The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Legends of the Mall

So.....What's up? Huh? How's everyone?



I do have something actually:

Don't touch my stuff....period...end of discussion.

Let me elaborate.

If I ask you not to do my laundry for me, because I like it done a certain way, what does this tell you?

1. Don't touch, because she has it down
2. Do it anyway, because afterall you're only trying to be "helpful"

If I ask you not to move my stuff around or please put it back after you use it what would you do?

1. Use it and just leave it wherever, she can look for it, she has all the time in the world
2. Respect that, and if using something kindly put it back where you found it.

Do you people realize how many pairs of scissors, nail clippers, and tape dispensers I own? You have NO IDEA. They are stationed throughout my home, some in very secret places even I can't find.....

If you ask me what you can do to help me, and I tell you "please wash the windows", don't

1. Tell me you "don't do windows"
2. Do something else you enjoy

Do you think I enjoy cleaning pee toilets? Do you think that since you live here too, it's ok to just do what you WANT to, and let someone else do the shit work?

And what if you have discussed the above things with the individual so many times your face is blue? It's time to diagnose them with a mental disorder and run their ass over with your car.

So basically our lesson for today is to respect others things, and their requests. If you don't respect others, then you surely don't respect yourself, because you'll end up ran over.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Talk This Way

I wanna I'm going to...I'm the boss here. So, a friend and I were discussing writing styles today. And how if you are of a certain bent, you can pretty much write in any form.

For example: The romance novelist:
His firm hands skimmed down the length of her spine, softly caressing her delicate skin and sending a tingle through her entire being...he pressed against her with an urgency matched only by her own and their heated passion ignited a flame that could only be extinguished by the union of their burning loins.

Or, the biblical sense:
mocketh thou not...lest thee be mocked.
thy butt a beacon in the night....doest thou desire to have an allover body tan? Let theyself submit to the heat that only cometh from above....the tanning bed.

How about medical chart notes:
The patient presents today with a chief complaint of pain above the right eye.
HEENT reveals a slight hemetosis above the right occipital lobe, presence of discharge in the nasal passages..upon further exam it is noted the septum is deviated.

Or the psych textbook?
The patient has a history of violent behaviors, characterized by hypomanic episodes brought on by excessive exposure to stress and overstimulation by outside environmental influences. The GAF shows a score of 60, which would indicate the patient has experienced significant reduction in everyday functioning, thus creating an increase in generalized anxiety disorder possibly brought on by over identification with outside stressors including psychosomatic symptoms consistent with schizotypal disorder.

What about the humor writer? We must not forget the humor writer
I was alerted to a commotion not unlike that of a herd of elephants trafficking through the dense forestation of the african jungle. Upon further inspection, I discovered my inlaws had arrived for the holidays, and were creating a situation similar to the county fair polka band, only without all those accordians. When asked if they intended to enter my house, they responded by saying only this: We have come to destroy your peace, bring you nothing but grief and headache, and leave you in a trancelike state that can only be reversed by excessive amounts of wacky tobacky.

hmmm, what else is there..oh, legal terminology:
your honor, my client wishes the court to recognize their progress on the case plan presented by the department of health and welfare. Would it please the court to present fact finding relevant to the progress of my client regarding said case plan? If I might address the court, my client would like for the judge to know they are making significant strides toward procuring housing, and refraining from use of all illegal substances. Although my client has admitted to using meth on only one occasion, he would like the court to know that he has attended all recovery meetings with the exception of one in which he was forced to cancel due to extreme intoxication that was deemed necessary for medicinal puposes.

is this boring you?
too bad.

I like it.
and yes, i pulled it out of my ass right here, without referencing anything. i'm good that way.

moving on.

I love driving on curvy roads. I love driving balls-out on curvy roads. Luckily my son does not get carsick during said episodes. I caught up with a family in a white jeep cherokee on a mountain pass on the way to my mothers. I pressured him from the rear, indicating my desire to pass him. He rose to the occasion in typical male fashion, and decided this was not to be. He began to drive quite fast, and I followed suit. I allowed him to pull away from me on the straight-aways....only because he was exceeding 75 miles per hour in a 55 zone.

I didn't want no po po on my ass. rock with it, lean in it, bounce with it, work it on the shoulder...drop with it do it do it...whas up ole boy? i gettin twist n pimpin..damn it man...nah mean? So I would catch him on the corners of course, my car being lighter and more deft, coupled by my intensity which occurs when said challenges arise, and my need for speed must be satiated.

I stayed about 2 feet off his bumper, taking full advantage of the wonderful job the highway crews did on banking the corners. So we went on like this for about 40 miles, playing cat and mouse. There were a few other drivers who chose to pull off and get out of our way. It was fun, and I finally passed him in town, giving him a coy glance, and thinking his wife and kids must hate him. But I won. So there.

This has absolutely nothing to do with marriage other than to point out, that husbands with families in jeep cherokees should not challenge single ladies in little sports cars with a penchant for competitions with the ever present male ego.

stand by

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Me so Corny

I jess wanna say...I love you all..all my fans....but I'm gonna sell out to you here today, and say, I hate being single on Christmas I f'ing hate it. So there. I said it.

also I want to say, that although I visit your blogs, I'm probably not going to link here, because I'm just not. I don't want to leave too obvious of a trail, since it took some of you all of 2 minutes to find my other place. yup...had that one on the down low I did.

In other news, in order to spare myself from finding anymore assholes to marry, I'm gouging my eyes out, and tearing my ears off, ripping my olfactory organs out, and then I'll be safe. I won't be attracted to that which I can't see, hear or smell. Because I like to look, hear their voice and if they smell good, crap almighty, I'm a goner.

Therefore, in order to save me from my own self, I'm going to "disable" the "devices" which cause me to become attracted to men. Thus bringing about the celibacy that comes along with not desiring anyone. I can save a ton of money on nice underwear, hair, makeup and otherwise. I can just go around looking like crap and there won't be temptations.

So for this holiday season, I'm going to fly under the radar, mope that I'm not getting any gifts, and pretend I hate men.

On that note, I leave you with a list.

Top ten reasons I hate being single at Christmas:

10. It bites
9. It's lonely
8. The bed is cold
7. I'm at my sexual peak
6. The downstairs sink is broken
5. I have to do all the driving on our trip today
4. My lips are lonely
3. My kid hates me for us not having a "family" Christmas and having to travel out of town in order to find kith and kin, and told me last night 'WHY CAN'T YOU GET A BOYFRIEND SO WE CAN STAY HOME, MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED"...oh yeah, right kid, I can just snap my fingers, and presto, nice boyfriend appears.
2. There is no romance in my life
and the top reason
1. I do not get a gift. nothing. nadda. and I like gifts.

So my life sucks right now and if you're being a whine bag about your spouse, just shut up and appreciate what you have, because you could be like me, typing up a stupid list about being single, and not getting a gift so I don't want to hear about how he leaves the toilet lid up, or how he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor, or how he farts in bed, blahblahblah.

stand by
over and out

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

whine fest

Good golly, tis the season to be merry....And have a good whine fest....

My whine is this is the first year since I was 19 that I did not have a honey to exchange gifts with. So I get nothing. Nadda. A big fat NOTHING. I have done Z"ER"O shopping. That is killing me. I love to shop and buy things for people. I hate holidays. I freakin hate them.

moving on.

There is no where to move onto, but I have an excellent idea. I think in the spirit of singleness, wherein I never venture out to anywhere I could meet men, they only gawk and then keep going because I'm "unapproachable", I think I'll get a job at a coffee shack. I'll just leave the part off my resume about being a magnacumlaude BSW. I want to hear NOTHING about being over qualified. I'm totally qualified for that job. I love coffee and I can sport cleavage and back skin just like the next little hussy.


Buckle Jeans, here I come
tramp stamp tattoo artist here i come
push up bra at victorias secret here i come
already got the hair thing going on
just gotta keep it out of the coffee
got the flirt thing
got the coy smile
got the one-liners


phone numbers
hope they have something decent to flash


I'm off my rocker
completely nuts due to holiday depression

tanning doesn't work
buying 9 thousand movies didn't work
drinking starbux til I get diarrhea did not work
alcohol is tabooooooo, I drink and start emailing and calling people
I could go to Tahiti I do have a there's the money thing, no job, savings dwindling faster than the swirling waters of a flushed toilet....BUT, there is that card which increased my credit limit to 21,000....thats right....they did and I have NO JOB...well thats not entirely true, I clean 2 houses, but uncle sam does not know that and lets not tell him.

hanging OUT at starbux scares me
the same people are there every day and YES I have been approached
run, run, run......
hide in house, for fear of having to tell someone NO, I won't go out with you because I'm a picky little idiot that talks herself out of everyone, and you look like you might be a strangler....or abusive or at the very least like you probably have a skid mark in your underwear.

aint it sad to see? a good woman..sitting alone on Christmas..chalk another heartbreak up to singledom on the my own choice of course, lets not forget that.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Top Ten Turnoffs for Men

1. Women who have dogs that wear pink coats with fur collars
2. talking too much; and not shutting up when your eyes glaze over
3. granny panties and getting those granny panties in a wad
4. flowered deco in the bedroom
5. she looks like her mom, and that aint good
6. asks too many questions
7. uni-brow
8. Braided armpit hair
9. liberal use of monostat 7
10. owning the corner market on clingtardmania

Ok, and i saw the movie The Holiday, and it's a bunch of romantic stuff, so if you're not into that don't go.

This could be a turnoff...Today I was bored, so I pointed the airsoft pistol at the dog and said "say your prayers clown!", then I shot to the left of him. He did not even flinch. But he did however look at me as if i'm deficient. I think he is right.

PS. there were no dogs harmed in the above discussed event nor anywhere even close to being hurt, however there is a little nick out of the wall.

another note my son was not home to witness this horrible example from me. i would never do something like this in front of my son. He is under the impression i'm a respectable citizen, hence my other blog. it's a decoy.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Romance Killers

Certain things should just not be done. There need be nothing more said about it. Besides this..........

Skidmarks in your underwear. Use babywipes. If they are stained, throw them away. For gods sake, you spend more on beer, coffee etc in one day than a package of underwear costs.

Teeth; brush the damn things, more than once a week. No one wants to kiss someone whose teeth have moss growing on them. If you can't remember to brush, keep a toothbrush in the shower because by gum, you must shower now and then, right?

Toenails; clip the confounded things. No one wants to see ugly ass toenails that are gnarly and yellow. Or get a chunk taken out of your leg in the night by the saber toothed toe.

Fingernails: see above. And also remember...everything you dig around on? your crack, your nose, your head, your ears...all that stuff collects under the nail. and then, when your in bed, and your mate wants to suck on your fingers for something fun....hey, would YOU want that in YOUR mouth? I think not

Pee: wipe up your dribbles. Otherwise, we might assume you were raised by wild boars. Or we might just think your a lazy asshole. Either way, its not good.

Tampons and pads: roll and wrap, get the damn things out of sight. They stink, they're gross, and they are just downright inappropriate for human interactions after they are removed from you. "be polite, wrap them tight"

Hair: clean your DAMN hair out of the sink. That goes for beard hair, head hair, and pubs. Clean it out of the shower drain, and off the floor. Unless of course, you want someone to collect it in a box, and put it in your next sandwich?

Baldness: do not wear a repulsive toupee. Just paint your stupid head with a spray can if it comes to that. Or take the money you waste on beer, cigarettes, coffee, gaming, sports, etc, and get plugs. Or you could just shave your entire head, and change your name to cueball, chromedome, or sinnead'

Whiskers: if you're a woman, do not I repeat do NOT allow whiskers to reside anywhere on your person at any time. This includes the nipples. Take that extra 5 minutes to do a roving whisker check in the shower. The world will thank you. As for men? If you allow your body to be adorned with whiskers, make sure to use conditioner on them, and check to make sure yesterdays lunch is not tucked deep within. No one wants to kiss a guy with a stinky beard, or mustache. yuck. Be keen, keep it clean

Don't refer to the other as "the old man" or "the old lady" unless of course you enjoy being tied up with duct tape, and placed on the curb for Thursday morning pickup?

When at a social gathering: if you happen to make a bad choice, and ignore your partner? Prepare yourself for WMD. That's "weapons of mass destruction" to you dimbulbs out there, who don't realize that human beings in a committed relationship like ATTENTION from the other person every NOW AND FREAKEN THEN.

Listening: use your listening ears...and your inside voices during all times of conflict, or "discussions" if you are one of those who can only retain 5% of what has been said, bring a dang notepad or record the conversation. Unless of course, you like being taken down to the tracks, laid across them and left for dead.

This message has been brought to you by the citizens for a more satisfying partnership within the confines of a committed relationship. That's CMSPWCCR to you retards who can only think on days that end in I.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Just Shoot Me

Sometimes I wish someone would just shoot me and put me out of my everlovin misery. I'm trying to write a witty blog here, and by gum I can't get in the mood. I'm trying to think of different ways to cheer myself up. Make light of stuff if you will.

Some things one could do on a rainy afternoon when one is "between companions" so to speak:
  • Throw underwear all around the house, hang it from the lampshades if you want

  • eat candy and leave the wrappers

  • go out and buy 9 remote controls, and keep one in every room

  • drink out of the milk carton

  • fart loudly and frequently

  • eat doritos for every meal

  • lose your keys constantly

  • steal money out of your own wallet

  • stand in front of the TV

  • make lip prints on the windows

  • leave moldy food in the fridge for weeks on end

  • flick your boogers at the walls

  • leave half empty water bottles on every surface

  • watch James Bond Movies all weekend

  • get out your kids plastic guns and make poses in the mirror

  • Spray pledge on the hardwood floors and have sliding contests

  • pour milk in your mouth, squirt in chocolate syrup, squish it all together and presto, chocolate milk

  • Re-arrange your sub woofer in the trunk, make adjustments, and other wise turn it up really loud to annoy the neighbors

  • invite friends over, wait...there are no friends...they're all married or dead.

  • go out to eat by yourself

  • go to the movies by yourself

  • put your favorite persons picture on your desktop and pretend its them looking at you.....

  • cry yourself to sleep

  • wake up, realize your still alive and cry some more

  • wake up in the morning and repeat as necessary

  • does this look like a lady who would do all that stuff? well she just might because she is very sad and lonely at this point.

    Friday, December 08, 2006

    Foolish Pride

    I wish I could get the song on here, Foolish Pride: Travis Tritt...yes I know it's country and I don't do country, but this song is raging in my head.....I hate pride, and we all have it to some degree...It's impossible to get away from in order for us as humans to protect our vulnerabilities.

    Sometimes It's used to keep people away from you, sometimes it's used to make yourself feel better. But whatever the case, I stick to the old adage, pride cometh before a fall.

    I hate having it personally, and sometimes It gets muddled up with stubbornness. And it's really bad when it's stubborn pride...which could be happening right now in a few lives. Is there something in your life, that you're not budging on? Because you don't want to cave, and be the fool? But what is at stake?

    Are you going to lose something by being prideful? Is there armor around your heart? Does anyone ever get in there, or put a chink in your armor? Do you tell yourself you're not letting anyone through your shields because you don't want to get stung? But what if you never let ANYONE in, and your really missing out. What if that ONE PERSON you don't let in, is THE ONE that you've waited for all your life, and you miss the opportunity because you're being stubborn, and prideful.

    Is it worth keeping the walls up, and risking spending the rest of your life wondering if you let the "one" get away? Is your pride going to keep you warm at night, wake up with you in the mornings, watch a beautiful sunset with you, kiss you goodbye on your way to work, listen to your problems, be your team mate, know your likes, dislikes and quirks and love you anyway?

    Personally? I think life is all about relationships. People who come and go in your life. I believe that each and every person that comes into your life, good or bad, does so for a reason. I believe in fate and destiny. I believe that all things happen for a reason. And I also believe that sometimes, because of our own stubborn pride, and unwillingness to bend or flex, we lose out on really good things. There may be something right under your nose, but you can't see it, because you're looking the other way.

    Maybe something is blocking your view...some trash in your life that you need to get cleaned up. something that is weighing you down, and holding you back from moving forward. maybe your baggage is weighing you down, or past mistakes are dogging you. Let go...just let go and free your mind from the burdens. Open your eyes, look around you. Relish the relationships that are productive, and relinquish the ones that are dragging you down. Rid your life of the trash, and allow yourself to open your heart, be vulnerable, and love before it's too late.

    I have no idea why I wrote this...I just popped it off. I was on itunes, and I noticed that song, and It made me think of things like this...I hope it helps someone.

    Thursday, December 07, 2006

    Show Stoppin

    Ok, enough moping...gotta get off my duff and start writing again.
    I was thinking about something today, and I need some input. It would seem as if I get gawked at a bit by men. Now, while people would ask why this is a bad thing, you must understand....that I don't understand. I supposed, in my own right, I don't feel I am really that great to be gawking at?

    I'm not a scrawny little young thing anymore. I'm nearly 40, and I wear a size 10. Yes, I have a nice enough rack, but its not that huge, at least not that I would think. So what is it, in a woman, or how she presents herself, that brings, not just glances...but gawking.

    Is there something I'm missing here? Is it more than a body, is it personality as well? Do I have some look on my face? Is there a pheromone I'm putting off? I've been called a lot of things by people if they do not know me personally. They will tell me later, after they see that I'm a nice person, they thought I was a stuck up snot when they met me.

    I wish they did not think this...and would realize, that when I'm out and about, I'm usually either deep in thought, or observing and thinking. In which case, there might be a slight frown on my face, or one brow will be raised. I don't intend to come off as arrogant...but well, what do you do.

    It makes for some challenges, in the work place and other social settings. I have to make an extra effort with women especially. They are not nice to me, they shun me, and they will simply ignore me if I do not make the effort to go up and get to know them. Work is especially challenging, as I seem to threaten and intimidate other women, so end up having to try and fade into the background. It's annoying.

    So men..and women if you will, what do you think about the hottness factor? What do you think of a woman who is confident with herself. Is that a bad thing? Do you think its socially acceptable for a woman to feel confident with her looks or do you think she comes off as arrogant?

    What draws your glance toward a woman?