The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Are You a FEMTARD????

We had a blogger suggest there are femtards. HEY, I was getting to that! But He got there first, so I'm giving him all the credit for that name. They truly do exist though. In large quantities. And what really pisses me off, is they get all the men. Where does that leave the other ones of us? In the mantardless boat. Rowing in circles, reading copies of "I wanna be a cowgirl", and "never take a Prada bag into the welfare office".

So lets row on over to femtard island, and check up on these little hussies*. See what makes them tick.

I think femtards are extremely well rounded and diverse. In a bodily sort of way. In a brain way, they fall flat on their face. They think rocks are things you wear on your fingers, instead of what they have in their brains. They think that math is a guy with a lisp, and outdoor activities consist of walking from Banana Republic to Baby Gap.

If they trip and drop their keys on the way, so much the better. Because they can bend and stick their femtard ass in the air, showing off the bejeweled thong panty, barely covering the "tramp stamp" of their last boyfriends name on their lower back, sticking out of lowrise jeans made for someone 3 times smaller than them.

God bless low rise jeans. Please don't wear them if your belly hangs over. Just don't do it. Period. Not cool. Not sexy. Not even remotely. Vaguely disturbing in fact. In a sexual predator kind of way.

I like lists, so lets get down to it
1. Know nothing about cars, other than where the key goes in.
2. Wouldn't know a jackhammer from the rotovirus
3. Think plastic surgery is considered a "yearly checkup"
4. Assume men can read their minds, so refuse to be honest
5. Leave copious amounts of hair all over the bathroom
6. Fix corn dogs and tater tots 5 nights in a row
7. Mistakenly believe men want to hear about the sale down at Nordstroms
8. Think everyone dresses like the women in Cosmo magazine
9. Accept themselves for who they are, and not what they can be
that didn't make any sense
lets start over....
1. Get all grossed out when someone farts. As if they NEVER????
2. Start squirming if there are less than 3 credit cards in their Prada wallet
3. Require resuscitation if they are 5 minutes late for a "one day sale'
4. Think remote controls are something to be hidden under the couch cushions
5. Buy perfume that smells like the inside of a donkeys ass, and brag it costs 100 bucks
6. Wear that perfume out of the home, and into the world
7. Have the audacity to ask other people if they like it, and then when the people say "no" wear it anyway
8. File their nails during church, movies, dinner, etc. Who wants to hear that noise? No one sister!
9. Use a "tissue" to retrieve a booger. Just use the pointer finger, get in there and get the damn booger out already!

ok, help me out. Its time for audience participation, GO MEN

*if you do or act in these ways, i'm not saying you're a hussy. so get over it...

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Are You a Mantard?

This is a word a good friend of mine said the other day, I'm not sure if she made it up or not, but I really like it. We've discussed it before. Mantard: being a man who is just not capable of understanding women, responding correctly or otherwise doing anything right.

I think a mantard is not someone I would hate, but rather pity. So, In light of this word study we have here today, I'd like to pose a few questions to our male readers, in hopes of them shedding some light on things. You'd think I would have this figured out at my age, but try as I might, I can't seem to get into the heads of men, and find out what really makes them tick.

I'm sure they'd love to do the same with us women, and we'll get there, but right now, since I'm mantardless, I need advice. I don't want to pick another jerk, and go through anymore grief. So I have some questions. And I hope I get honest answers, cause I think you all pity me, and want what's best for me, right? Ok good. good answers.

Do men really prefer "skinny"? Or would they rather you have a little meat on your bones.

What is the DEAL with boobs? Seriously I've heard its just because you DON'T have them, but maybe its more? I just have never been able to understand the attraction to big blobs of fat, with nipples on them. And why big? Is sloppy ok? Is saggy ok? If they are saggy does it repulse you? If your wife had saggy ones, and wanted to get them tucked, or lifted, would you be supportive for reasons of your own? Do you tell her they are fine just to be nice, but really you think they are gross? You can tell I'm really curious on this one. Let me make sure you know, I'm blessed. I don't know why I'm compelled to tell you that, maybe I'm bragging a bit. I had small ones, I had a kid, then they got a tad saggy but not bad. Then I gained weight because I've always been too skinny, and they firmed up, got bigger, and actually are pretty nice now. I'm quite proud of them. No one ever sees them though, so it's pretty much as waste.

Does that cellulite stuff on the backs of our legs gross you out, or are you all about the butt?, so, if a woman has a nice round hiney, can you focus on that, and not notice the cellulite on the legs?

Do men like tattoos on women, or not. What if the tattoo was located in the small of her back and something you designed or your initials/name etc. Would that be a turn on? Granted of course, she is yours and a commitment has been made. And keeping in mind, those things can be removed with laser now.

Is it really true that you are able to notice the eyes and smile before the boobs etc? How many of you honestly notice the body parts first. Tell the truth. We don't know you. And we won't tell.

How intelligent do you want her to be? Is it a turn off if she's clever, or seems devious? Do you like coy? Or just NICE.

Do you like her a little clingy, or prefer her independent?

How hard are you willing to work to woo her?

Are you guilty of wooing her and then backing off after you win the prize? If so, why. Or do you even care.

Have you ever been guilty of saying really sweet things just to get what you want?

How much personal attention do you really want from your woman. Does it make you feel good when she slathers it on you? Or would you rather she back off a bit.

Do you want her tagging along with you to all your hobbies?

Do you really want to do things together, or would you prefer just to be together at home, etc.

Does it bug you when she wants to talk about deep stuff?

Is it annoying when she wants to snuggle? To snuggle or not.

ok that's enough for now.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Moving On

I thought I'd get back to our subject of marriage. Granted marriage can really suck, but it's still a part of 90% of our lives. So I feel obligated to talk about it.

I had considered writing a poem titled "Ode to the Missionary Position" in honor of marriage, but i have no idea what an Ode is. Maybe I should address how hard it is to do budgets and stuff like that. Then again, we would run into mathematics with that subject, so i'm not going there.

Perhaps we should talk about things that gross us out about our spouses? past and present? OK I'll start.

Skidmarks in the underwear have to be the total, ultimate romance killer. the day you are doing the laundry and you discover your man does not wipe good, it's pretty much over for you in the bedroom. That image, is forever scalded across your mindboard.

I really want to stress to all the men out there, how pertinent it is to wipe ones bottom after going poopoo in the potty. With either wet toilet paper, or a baby wipe. I hope i've made myself clear.

OK, one for the ladies. hmmmmmm
Wrap and Roll. ok, nuff said.

Saturday, August 19, 2006


Ok, this is part of a recent email conversation i had with a friend, about this guy i met that I think is hot. mostly because he's a fireman, and he's just hot, thats all there is to it, and i have a thing for hot firemen, and i want to see him naked, now lets move on and pretend i did not just say that here.

I am really trying to talk myself out of liking ANYONE because my divorce is not yet filed, because everytime i try to do it, some idiotic crisis emerges, and i find myself in full lockdown mode until i resolve it.

me: "and he is a TUCKER.  you know how i feel about tuckers.
there you have it.  we're not a good fit.  he tucks.  and i don't.
he wears briefs, and i don't.  he is a man, and i'm not.  so there it
is.  i don't like him anymore"

"You crack me up. You are so overthinking this, but is tucking a definitely a deal breaker? If he treats you like a queen you are but still tucks, is that worth it?

He is a fireman and is used to tucking. They make him tuck. He is a victim of government fashion. Can you blame the man? Have you ever seen an untucked officer or fireman? I don't think so, but if given the option, I do believe most government employed men would be untucked. Unless it was *****. He has always been motivated to tuck but that is due to fear of construction worker butt crack on display and his having witnessed too many butt cracks. So, I can see his point.

Who can know?"

well, at least you made me laugh good and hard today.  i wish i could
post this on my blog, what you wrote about tucking.  its so freaking
funny.  some day?  when all this washes out, we must post your f'ing
tucking story.  HAHAHA
"blah blah blah