The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Are You a FEMTARD????

We had a blogger suggest there are femtards. HEY, I was getting to that! But He got there first, so I'm giving him all the credit for that name. They truly do exist though. In large quantities. And what really pisses me off, is they get all the men. Where does that leave the other ones of us? In the mantardless boat. Rowing in circles, reading copies of "I wanna be a cowgirl", and "never take a Prada bag into the welfare office".

So lets row on over to femtard island, and check up on these little hussies*. See what makes them tick.

I think femtards are extremely well rounded and diverse. In a bodily sort of way. In a brain way, they fall flat on their face. They think rocks are things you wear on your fingers, instead of what they have in their brains. They think that math is a guy with a lisp, and outdoor activities consist of walking from Banana Republic to Baby Gap.

If they trip and drop their keys on the way, so much the better. Because they can bend and stick their femtard ass in the air, showing off the bejeweled thong panty, barely covering the "tramp stamp" of their last boyfriends name on their lower back, sticking out of lowrise jeans made for someone 3 times smaller than them.

God bless low rise jeans. Please don't wear them if your belly hangs over. Just don't do it. Period. Not cool. Not sexy. Not even remotely. Vaguely disturbing in fact. In a sexual predator kind of way.

I like lists, so lets get down to it
1. Know nothing about cars, other than where the key goes in.
2. Wouldn't know a jackhammer from the rotovirus
3. Think plastic surgery is considered a "yearly checkup"
4. Assume men can read their minds, so refuse to be honest
5. Leave copious amounts of hair all over the bathroom
6. Fix corn dogs and tater tots 5 nights in a row
7. Mistakenly believe men want to hear about the sale down at Nordstroms
8. Think everyone dresses like the women in Cosmo magazine
9. Accept themselves for who they are, and not what they can be
that didn't make any sense
lets start over....
1. Get all grossed out when someone farts. As if they NEVER????
2. Start squirming if there are less than 3 credit cards in their Prada wallet
3. Require resuscitation if they are 5 minutes late for a "one day sale'
4. Think remote controls are something to be hidden under the couch cushions
5. Buy perfume that smells like the inside of a donkeys ass, and brag it costs 100 bucks
6. Wear that perfume out of the home, and into the world
7. Have the audacity to ask other people if they like it, and then when the people say "no" wear it anyway
8. File their nails during church, movies, dinner, etc. Who wants to hear that noise? No one sister!
9. Use a "tissue" to retrieve a booger. Just use the pointer finger, get in there and get the damn booger out already!

ok, help me out. Its time for audience participation, GO MEN

*if you do or act in these ways, i'm not saying you're a hussy. so get over it...

posted by Anonymous at 2:28 AM