The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Are You a FEMTARD????

We had a blogger suggest there are femtards. HEY, I was getting to that! But He got there first, so I'm giving him all the credit for that name. They truly do exist though. In large quantities. And what really pisses me off, is they get all the men. Where does that leave the other ones of us? In the mantardless boat. Rowing in circles, reading copies of "I wanna be a cowgirl", and "never take a Prada bag into the welfare office".

So lets row on over to femtard island, and check up on these little hussies*. See what makes them tick.

I think femtards are extremely well rounded and diverse. In a bodily sort of way. In a brain way, they fall flat on their face. They think rocks are things you wear on your fingers, instead of what they have in their brains. They think that math is a guy with a lisp, and outdoor activities consist of walking from Banana Republic to Baby Gap.

If they trip and drop their keys on the way, so much the better. Because they can bend and stick their femtard ass in the air, showing off the bejeweled thong panty, barely covering the "tramp stamp" of their last boyfriends name on their lower back, sticking out of lowrise jeans made for someone 3 times smaller than them.

God bless low rise jeans. Please don't wear them if your belly hangs over. Just don't do it. Period. Not cool. Not sexy. Not even remotely. Vaguely disturbing in fact. In a sexual predator kind of way.

I like lists, so lets get down to it
1. Know nothing about cars, other than where the key goes in.
2. Wouldn't know a jackhammer from the rotovirus
3. Think plastic surgery is considered a "yearly checkup"
4. Assume men can read their minds, so refuse to be honest
5. Leave copious amounts of hair all over the bathroom
6. Fix corn dogs and tater tots 5 nights in a row
7. Mistakenly believe men want to hear about the sale down at Nordstroms
8. Think everyone dresses like the women in Cosmo magazine
9. Accept themselves for who they are, and not what they can be
that didn't make any sense
lets start over....
1. Get all grossed out when someone farts. As if they NEVER????
2. Start squirming if there are less than 3 credit cards in their Prada wallet
3. Require resuscitation if they are 5 minutes late for a "one day sale'
4. Think remote controls are something to be hidden under the couch cushions
5. Buy perfume that smells like the inside of a donkeys ass, and brag it costs 100 bucks
6. Wear that perfume out of the home, and into the world
7. Have the audacity to ask other people if they like it, and then when the people say "no" wear it anyway
8. File their nails during church, movies, dinner, etc. Who wants to hear that noise? No one sister!
9. Use a "tissue" to retrieve a booger. Just use the pointer finger, get in there and get the damn booger out already!

ok, help me out. Its time for audience participation, GO MEN

*if you do or act in these ways, i'm not saying you're a hussy. so get over it...

9 comment(s):

good list, i don't mind femtards (as long as they don't drive) becuase they entertain me.

p.s. I love the lower back stripper tatoo, very original

By Blogger Big Ben, at 4:23 PM  

Okay, here's one definition, and it fits both Man- and Fem-tards:

They have different "rules" for themselves than they have for you, and dont understand the problem with that. For them, "fair play" is something you do at the "fairgrounds".

By Blogger daveawayfromhome, at 7:50 PM  

well, i have to say that none of those apply to me. when i was a little girl, i hated barbie. she was a demon image. who the hell is ever going to be that person!? and have a real life?

i kinda figured all this out by the age of five. and have been swimming in the deep water ever since. Give me cotton underwear, and oversized Tshirts. I want to be able to burp as loud as i want when i want. and i DONT want to shave every freakin day!

and... shopping is a necessity, not a sport. if i can do it online, i will. now lets get out there and climb some trees.

;-)

By Blogger Melanie, at 9:36 AM  

I work with a couple of femtards who insist on telling me about their sordid weekends picking up various types of men. I don't want to hear about how men are falling all over them - but, honestly I can't see how this happens. You know the ones that buy all the latest trendy clothes, gadgets and accessories? They don't understand that when a 40-year-old dresses like a 19-year-old the effect is somehow lost.

By Blogger sassyglass, at 11:24 AM  

big ben: how are femtards supposed to get around. probably public transit? they should probably all live in the cities then

dave: ha, that sounds passive aggressive

mel: you sound pretty cool

sassy: that is sick! i think we should dress stylish, but age appropriate

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:02 PM  

I'll have to think about this one. I'm sure I could add a few if I put my mind to it. It's too late right now...

By Blogger Fred, at 5:37 PM  

HAHA, Sassy, a 40 year old dressing up like a 19 year old. We've all seen that one too many times. Actually, it kinda worked cause I ended up making out with a 45 year old dressed like a 19 year old. Man, what beer will do to you. I wonder what kind of stories she was telling.

By Blogger slopmaster, at 11:54 PM  

fred: i would think, with teens you might have a few? cause really femtards are teens who never grew up

sloppy: i bet that old lady was in HEAVEN only if you're a decent kisser. otherwise she was probably dissing on you

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:47 AM  

Hmmmm, I can proudly say that none of those apply to me (oh, except maybe the tissue and booger thing ... them boogers are darn sticky, hard to shake off the fingers !!!) ... is that a good thing !?!?!?!
I've only just discovered this blog, but I like it ... please let me know where you move to ... you have my email !!
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Meow

By Blogger Meow, at 6:35 PM  

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