The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Sunday, July 16, 2006

101 ways to screw up a marriage

Get married
stay married, repeat 99 times

I'm kidding

I'll make a list for real here in a bit, and you can pitch in. Isn't interactive blogging just great? I love interaction. And interaction is a crucial part of marriage. One of the main reasons a marriage fails is lack of quality interaction. Spouses go their own ways, and do their own things. They grow tired of chasing after the other one and the hobbies that person pursues, in favor of hobbies they actually like. You see in the dating/impression phase, people like to pretend they are actually interested in the other persons interests. Well, this can be good, or it can be bad. A person could actually pick up a new hobby and like it, or they could hate it. Which leads to you either doing something you hate, or never getting to spend time with your spouse.

Myself? I got stuck doing things I hated, just because I was desperate to hang out with my spouse. He could have cared less one way or the other. Then the next spouse? I decided to pick one who had NO hobbies other than smoking, drinking mocha's and watching TV. And this turned out horrible, because he was around ALL THE TIME. I went from one extreme to the other. Where's the DAMN MIDDLE GROUND. WHERE'S THE "THIRD ONES THE CHARM".

Ways to screw up a marriage women first
  • Gain weight
  • walk in front of the TV during a ball game
  • Dance naked during your pregnancy
  • be naked in front of him after any pregnancies
  • ask if you can have new furniture
  • try to make him think you're a delicate flower
  • ask for a lap dog
  • pray for him to change
  • paint the house a girly color
  • expect the toilet seat to be put down
  • desire a separate bedroom so you can actually get some sleep due to his smacking, snoring, and other noises
  • go out with your friends instead of sitting by waiting for him to decide he's hungry, then clean up after him
  • ask him to watch the kids while you go to walmart
  • expect him to do projects around the house
  • expectations at all will ruin a marriage. Have NO expectations. It's not allowed.
  • try to express your feelings, this is interpreted as 'naggin'
  • ask him if he heard you
  • ask him why he never wants to snuggle, men don't snuggle after they are married. Unless it leads into something. So just get used to it. Or don't get married.




  • for men
  • take money out of her purse without asking
  • leave the toilet seat up
  • tell her you want 10 kids, when you don't intend on ever being home
  • drool all over the pillow
  • forget to brush your teeth
  • have skid marks in your underwear
  • demand she have dinner read every night and then don't eat it because you stopped at burger king on the way home
  • tell her to move out of the way of the TV
  • ask her where all the money went
  • get angry when she doesn't drop everything and help you look for your keys or your wallet
  • expect her to feel loved if you say it once a year
  • offer the neighbor lady a sweatshirt at your BBQ and ignore your wifes shivering
  • ask your wife is she is on the rag when she's having a bad day
  • say these words "what do you want from me?"
  • compare her to her mother
  • make a list of her duties as a "wife"
  • complain about her friends
  • pick your belly button fuzz out at the table
  • pick your eyebrows at the table
  • refuse to play board games unless you can win
  • stare at other women in her presence
  • compliment another woman in front of your wife



  • ok
    there you have just a little tip of the iceberg so to speak. there's not 101 things there, but then i never was any good at math. i'm good at a lot of things, but only because I had to learn a lot of things. The reason for that is my husbands never did squat for me. after they win the prize, they just backed off and did their own thing. They like to ask what they can do to help, but whatever it is, it needed to fall within the range of things they like to do. One thing I heard from someone was "i don't DO windows". What I wanted to say, was "well, I don't WANT to do a LOT of things, but someone has to". ass

    Obviously I picked badly twice in a row. And I do learn from my mistakes. so the liklihood of me ever picking badly again or picking at all are slim to none. Yes, I have faults, and I've willing to admit those. Actually if you knew me, you know I can pretty much get along with anyone. That's a quality that comes in handy at work. My favorite boss told me, I'm a very reasonable person, and he worked with me everyday. I've had to get along with a lot of difficult people in my life. ok
    enough of my blabbering.

    lets roll

    13 comment(s):

    THe man list perfectly describes my ex husband. What a big butt-head. Our divorce was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I met the sweetest most handsome man I had ever seen and fell in love with him lickety split. Been married for almost 13 years.

    Here is more for your list:
    Degrade your wife in public
    Call her fat (even when she's not)
    Never interact with your in-laws unless free food is involved.
    Say the words "It's my way or the Highway."
    Don't buy a birthday present
    Buy a birthday present late
    Act as if you are God's gift to women when you aren't
    Make every get together involve liquor
    Be mean when you are drunk
    Expect and/or demand physical attention while drunk.
    Be selfish
    Don't give her money to pay bills. Let her struggle to go to college and work part time to pay them.
    Never consider her feelings
    Never put her first

    Now a good husband will to the exact opposite of all those things. :o)

    And I know that I am not perfect. See my list:
    I am a quiet person who keeps my worries and concerns inside rather than talk about them.
    I am selfish sometimes about spending time with my hubby.
    Yea, I gained weight, who hasn't? I have curves and I think my hubby likes them.
    I pout.
    I stomp when I am mad.
    I am an airhead.
    I ask a lot of silly questions over and over again.
    I get jealous.

    I could go on about my faults but it would bore you to tears! (or it could make you laugh I don't know!) I hope that in the grant scheme of my marriage that these things are small and that over all I am a pretty good chick. Besides, they make me who I am right??

    By Blogger EssCue, at 5:18 AM  

    esscue: your comment just earned you a new nickname PGC: pretty good chick. i'm reading between the lines, and i don't think half the stuff you said is really a fault at all. asking silly questions over and over? lets back the boat up. define "silly" question

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:39 AM  

    I agree completely with you about hobbies. My wife is a social butterfly and I am not. She looooove Rennaisance Faires, and I can't stand them. But we compromised. Occasionally, she takes a weekend off every now and then and I stay home with our daughter while she goes off and has a good time. And the other times, she takes our daughter and they both do the whole Ren Faire thing, and I get to stay home and scratch. It all works out.

    :D

    I love your list though. Very instructive. You should have been put up on my fav blogs list long ago. You're up there now.

    By Blogger Redneck Nerdboy!, at 9:27 AM  

    To solve the toilet seat problem we have seperate bathrooms. It really is better for both of us. As far as hobbies go we solved that problem long ago. I do not fake I am interested in things I am not nor does he. Does that me I don't occasionally go to his activities nor he to mine but we understand that the other doesn't always want to go and so we are able to do things without them. For the most part I enjoy the things he enjoys and vice versa. I don't think you come out of these things as a loser if you are honest. Also I think that both Brad and I have been guilty of much of your list somewhere along the way. The trick is when we are we talk about it and the other makes efforts to change. Well maybe not the weight one because we both are guilty and we love each other no matter what. However we want the other to be healthy so any comments about weight are more about over health than disgust at fat.

    By Blogger Karin, at 11:13 AM  

    Ouch. Negative, but sadly accurate. OK, how about "become a crackhead"...?

    By Blogger Saur♥Kraut, at 11:17 AM  

    Oh, these are good. I really can't think of anything else. I think between you and the comments above, you've taken most of what I would say.

    Oh, and I drool. I hope you won't hold that against me.

    By Blogger Fred, at 11:53 AM  

    - poor financial planning

    - pointing out physical faults (big butt, love handles, wrinkles, bald spot, etc.)

    - poisoning your spouse- this could quite possibly end the marriage. :)

    By Blogger Jamie Dawn, at 2:54 PM  

    On a positive note: a mutual acquaintance of mine and my ex's told me that he speaks very highly of me now. he told her "I was married to a really good woman and I treated her really bad. I had a lot of growing up to do." hmmmmm that's nice. (with boat loads of sarcasm)he is still a big butt-head.

    silly questions QZ would be ones that I know I have been answered previously and I just forgot. I have a friend who has a memory like a tape recorder. I laughed and told her I have a memory like a chalk board! (it gets erased)
    eg: What was her name? Why can't I talk about "X" at your family's house? Have I met her before?
    Who are you? You look familiar.....wanna kiss?? :o)

    By Blogger EssCue, at 4:45 PM  

    I was just raised better than to do any of those things. I was alone for a very long time because I wanted someone with the qualities that you pointed out, as well as someone who could appreciate the fact that they would be treated with the same courtesy and respect. I enjoy your in-depth tips and pointers that I am sure have been gained through harsh experience. Every guy should be forced to read this blog to see what women really think and want.

    By Blogger Danke Shane, at 7:30 AM  

    I think that your spouse should come first but not be your everything. Mr. Coffee and I know that even when the kids are long gone we will still have each other.

    Expectations are normal and I would even say healthy, although...UNspoken expectations are recipe for disaster.

    By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 7:36 PM  

    The secret of my success is that I gave up on the toilet seat issue a long long time ago.

    By Blogger Jenn, at 4:22 PM  

    These are genius. They remind me of "Everybody Loves Raymond". On the show, Ray does the things you list all the time, but his wife isn't perfect either, and in the end, they work it out and love each other anyway. If it was all as easy as it is on tv...

    By Blogger slopmaster, at 10:18 PM  

    rednerdneckboy: you sound like things are handled in a mature fashion around your house, good for you

    karin: i think you're going to have a very successful marriage, you sound wise beyond your years, although i can't remember how old you are?

    saurkraut: that is a sure fire way to wreck a marriage. and i'm assuming you had one of those? a crackhead that is?

    fred: oh no, you can drool if you want to, just use a white pillow case. droolers should never use dark colored pillow cases, and they should change their pillow case frequently

    jamie dawn: you are a funny girl. love those handles!

    esscue: i'm wondering who he speaks to about that. and i'm sure it hurts his wifes feelings if he says it in front of her, like she has to spend the rest of her life measuring up to you. he blew it, and he needs to shut his yap

    shane: you sound like pure gold. some one is going to be very lucky if you mean what you say here

    emma sometimes: i agree totally. and i think that mature adults that are married should have healthy, normal expectations of each other. like i expect my husband to come home to me at night, and if he isn't planning on it, he should be curteous and call? and i'm sure he would appreciate the same. but sometimes there are horrible double standards in a marriage. one person who expects to get away with whatever they want, and when someone complains, they scream "NAGGING". it's wrong. there should be equality across the board. whats good for one should be good for the other.

    jenn: hmmm, don't know if thats exactly success? maybe just letting go.

    slopmaster: well, i get the feeling on that raymond show that she always ends up getting her way in the end. i don't see that much compromise on there, although they are funny because they are very typical, and it is a good show

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:41 PM  

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