The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

The Good Husbands Guide: Part One

I'm writing this in response to a Good Wives Guide that was published in 1955, some of us have recently had a good laugh over it. You can find it over here, in it's original debut to our little blogger circle.


This guide applies to husbands of both sahm's and working women

Let’s begin with an evening, which includes preparation for the next day. This is defined as a husband entering into a sincere effort to be sensitive to the needs of his lovely wife, at times referred to as “The Queen”.

Before bedtime, the husband is to select his next days attire, iron if needed, and place these items in the bathroom. This prevents noisy morning exploits through dresser drawers and closets, or the temptation to ask a peacefully slumbering wife where an item of his clothing is located. That could evoke extreme ire within the slumbering wife, which could later reflect on her treatment of the husband.

The husband shall choose an alarm setting that is very subtle, and be prepared to shut it off as soon as the sound emanates from the device. This is very possible based on the following biological evidence throughout the history of mankind.

A REAL man is a protector, and is always alert for the possible threat of danger to his home and family. A good and faithful husband should always operate on hyper-alert, and be prepared to spring into action should a threat present itself. Studies show that most threats present themselves during the sleeping hours, thus a man should be prepared ahead of time with a weapon of some sort nearby, and proper training in the ability to wake upon the slightest noise.

If a husband finds himself to be lacking in the area of stealth, or alertness, this training can be obtained through various sources, one being the military. Military men are highly trained and skilled in detecting the slightest danger. Should the husband not have military training, it is his responsibility to hone his natural born instincts through military type training, however he can accomplish this.

With this capability, a husband will be so sensitive to noises, that even the “click” of the alarm turning on to wake up mode will rouse him from sleep. He will immediately pounce on the alarm device, and shut it completely off. A good husband never hits the snooze. Snoozing is is never good husband behavior.

These sorts of qualities in a man, will be perceived to be protective in nature to his Queen and when exhibited, will result in possible spontaneous shows of affection most notably directed toward his more sensitive regions.

A husband should allow enough time to shower, dress, shave, floss, brush and gargle with a pleasant mouthwash, preferably not listerine, all before his wife is to wake up. Next the husband should delicately approach the side of the bed that contains his Queen. He should gently sit next to her, bending near and softly kissing her awake. If she choses to remain asleep a little longer, the husband must go ahead and leave the room to tend to other chores.

The husband has long been known for his hunter/gatherer nature, and as such he will need to plan, shop, and prepare a delicious and healthy breakfast each and every morning for his family. He should proceed to the kitchen and prepare this meal with minimum noise, or more simply defined; no cupboard slamming, drawer slamming, fridge opening or closing noises, or pots and pan rattling. Keep water usage to a minimum is this creates noise in the pipes. In fact, if on the off chance the master suite is located on the other side of the wall from the kitchen, a husband should have that interior wall insulated to minimize noise which some Queens find annoying.

While breakfast is in process, the husband should then awaken the children if there are any, and then prepare the Queens beverage of choice. If the Queen likes coffee, the beans are to be ground fresh and prepared as the wife has directed, because these modern days have brought about numerous ways of preparing a simple cup of coffee. Should the wife prefer tea, the husband must always have on hand, the freshest organic blends of tea available, even if he needs to order these from outside the country.

No proper husband would ever compromise the health of his Queen by serving her sub-par tea leaves such as lipton, or other adulterated brands. Of course obtaining the best of tea and coffee will require the husband to become internet savvy, which leads me to our next subject.

Ordering from the internet:
Orders must be pre-approved by The Queen, as it is understood men are not capable of making “substitutions” should that need arise. The Queen understands that her favorite brands are not always available, or in-season, as queens are very apt to be reasonable about such things. Therefore, if the first choice is not available and a second choice is needed, the husband must consult the queen.

On shopping at stores:
If the Queen makes a specific request, let it be known that at NO time should a husband make an unauthorized substitution if the specific item is not in stock, or not available at that store. Making substitutions based on his own judgment will result in tremendous damage to his marriage, or worse yet to his person.

This is due to the fact that a smart Queen understands her mans limitations. In most cases, men are incapable of doing what they are told if the instructions are not very clearly outlined. If a husband is left with too much wiggle room regarding choices, financial decisions etc., disaster will result, so it is best if all parties recognize and work within the parameters of the male brain.

Division of Power within the home:
As many couples are keenly aware, there have been some mis-perceptions in times past in regards to “roles” of a husband and a wife when it comes to chores both inside and outside the home.
Historically, husbands were the breadwinners, and wifes were the homemakers. Due to things beyond the average families control, this is no longer a feasible option for running a household.

Since the beginning of time, the wife has obviously been the child bearer and child nurturer. Since sometime in the 1950’s, it became necessary for families to have dual incomes. Therefore we have need for change in the area of chore distribution. Some couples have recognized this need and made these changes, while some couples have not. More specifically the male party of the couple has chosen not to recognize the need for change. That is why I have written this guide, in order to help this male person become enlightened, and make the necessary changes to his daily activities in order to be allowed to continue living within the home, and not in the streets, or at the local mens shelter.

The Division of Duties:
In all fairness and in respect to democracy, I believe it necessary for each couple, on becoming a couple, to sit down with pen and paper in hand, and decide which issues around the home are a priority for them as individuals. Once this is done they must decide who will do what chores. If there is a certain area that both care about, but neither one is willing to take part in, a vote must be taken. In these cases, I would suggest bringing in a 3rd party to cast that deciding vote.

Because attorneys do not generally offer these sorts of services, I think the next best thing would be another woman. Women tend to be more democratic by nature, and more reasonable when it comes to dividing up chores and delegating. Therefore, if a stale mate occurs the couple needs to contact the closest female that can be trusted to cast a vote, and call her over.
In all fairness and since I am a reasonable woman, I would recommend not asking the mother of either spouse. This could cause deep seated resentments for years to come.

Once the vote is in, the person elected to complete that chore will do so without further complaint, or whining on their part. Any whining on their part will result in loss of priveleges, namely the possession of the remote control for an agreed upon time.

The reason I have left leneincey in the area of division of labor, is due to reasons unknown, it has recently been brought to my attention that a growing number of women enjoy outdoor duties such as lawn mowing. Traditionally this has been the male job, but in cases where a riding lawn mower is not available, the men have sometimes shirked this duty, which turns out is ok in many situations. Thus, it is necessary to be flexible about the duties in and out of doors within a household.

posted by Anonymous at 12:09 PM