The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Good Husbands Guide: Part One

I'm writing this in response to a Good Wives Guide that was published in 1955, some of us have recently had a good laugh over it. You can find it over here, in it's original debut to our little blogger circle.

This guide applies to husbands of both sahm's and working women

Let’s begin with an evening, which includes preparation for the next day. This is defined as a husband entering into a sincere effort to be sensitive to the needs of his lovely wife, at times referred to as “The Queen”.

Before bedtime, the husband is to select his next days attire, iron if needed, and place these items in the bathroom. This prevents noisy morning exploits through dresser drawers and closets, or the temptation to ask a peacefully slumbering wife where an item of his clothing is located. That could evoke extreme ire within the slumbering wife, which could later reflect on her treatment of the husband.

The husband shall choose an alarm setting that is very subtle, and be prepared to shut it off as soon as the sound emanates from the device. This is very possible based on the following biological evidence throughout the history of mankind.

A REAL man is a protector, and is always alert for the possible threat of danger to his home and family. A good and faithful husband should always operate on hyper-alert, and be prepared to spring into action should a threat present itself. Studies show that most threats present themselves during the sleeping hours, thus a man should be prepared ahead of time with a weapon of some sort nearby, and proper training in the ability to wake upon the slightest noise.

If a husband finds himself to be lacking in the area of stealth, or alertness, this training can be obtained through various sources, one being the military. Military men are highly trained and skilled in detecting the slightest danger. Should the husband not have military training, it is his responsibility to hone his natural born instincts through military type training, however he can accomplish this.

With this capability, a husband will be so sensitive to noises, that even the “click” of the alarm turning on to wake up mode will rouse him from sleep. He will immediately pounce on the alarm device, and shut it completely off. A good husband never hits the snooze. Snoozing is is never good husband behavior.

These sorts of qualities in a man, will be perceived to be protective in nature to his Queen and when exhibited, will result in possible spontaneous shows of affection most notably directed toward his more sensitive regions.

A husband should allow enough time to shower, dress, shave, floss, brush and gargle with a pleasant mouthwash, preferably not listerine, all before his wife is to wake up. Next the husband should delicately approach the side of the bed that contains his Queen. He should gently sit next to her, bending near and softly kissing her awake. If she choses to remain asleep a little longer, the husband must go ahead and leave the room to tend to other chores.

The husband has long been known for his hunter/gatherer nature, and as such he will need to plan, shop, and prepare a delicious and healthy breakfast each and every morning for his family. He should proceed to the kitchen and prepare this meal with minimum noise, or more simply defined; no cupboard slamming, drawer slamming, fridge opening or closing noises, or pots and pan rattling. Keep water usage to a minimum is this creates noise in the pipes. In fact, if on the off chance the master suite is located on the other side of the wall from the kitchen, a husband should have that interior wall insulated to minimize noise which some Queens find annoying.

While breakfast is in process, the husband should then awaken the children if there are any, and then prepare the Queens beverage of choice. If the Queen likes coffee, the beans are to be ground fresh and prepared as the wife has directed, because these modern days have brought about numerous ways of preparing a simple cup of coffee. Should the wife prefer tea, the husband must always have on hand, the freshest organic blends of tea available, even if he needs to order these from outside the country.

No proper husband would ever compromise the health of his Queen by serving her sub-par tea leaves such as lipton, or other adulterated brands. Of course obtaining the best of tea and coffee will require the husband to become internet savvy, which leads me to our next subject.

Ordering from the internet:
Orders must be pre-approved by The Queen, as it is understood men are not capable of making “substitutions” should that need arise. The Queen understands that her favorite brands are not always available, or in-season, as queens are very apt to be reasonable about such things. Therefore, if the first choice is not available and a second choice is needed, the husband must consult the queen.

On shopping at stores:
If the Queen makes a specific request, let it be known that at NO time should a husband make an unauthorized substitution if the specific item is not in stock, or not available at that store. Making substitutions based on his own judgment will result in tremendous damage to his marriage, or worse yet to his person.

This is due to the fact that a smart Queen understands her mans limitations. In most cases, men are incapable of doing what they are told if the instructions are not very clearly outlined. If a husband is left with too much wiggle room regarding choices, financial decisions etc., disaster will result, so it is best if all parties recognize and work within the parameters of the male brain.

Division of Power within the home:
As many couples are keenly aware, there have been some mis-perceptions in times past in regards to “roles” of a husband and a wife when it comes to chores both inside and outside the home.
Historically, husbands were the breadwinners, and wifes were the homemakers. Due to things beyond the average families control, this is no longer a feasible option for running a household.

Since the beginning of time, the wife has obviously been the child bearer and child nurturer. Since sometime in the 1950’s, it became necessary for families to have dual incomes. Therefore we have need for change in the area of chore distribution. Some couples have recognized this need and made these changes, while some couples have not. More specifically the male party of the couple has chosen not to recognize the need for change. That is why I have written this guide, in order to help this male person become enlightened, and make the necessary changes to his daily activities in order to be allowed to continue living within the home, and not in the streets, or at the local mens shelter.

The Division of Duties:
In all fairness and in respect to democracy, I believe it necessary for each couple, on becoming a couple, to sit down with pen and paper in hand, and decide which issues around the home are a priority for them as individuals. Once this is done they must decide who will do what chores. If there is a certain area that both care about, but neither one is willing to take part in, a vote must be taken. In these cases, I would suggest bringing in a 3rd party to cast that deciding vote.

Because attorneys do not generally offer these sorts of services, I think the next best thing would be another woman. Women tend to be more democratic by nature, and more reasonable when it comes to dividing up chores and delegating. Therefore, if a stale mate occurs the couple needs to contact the closest female that can be trusted to cast a vote, and call her over.
In all fairness and since I am a reasonable woman, I would recommend not asking the mother of either spouse. This could cause deep seated resentments for years to come.

Once the vote is in, the person elected to complete that chore will do so without further complaint, or whining on their part. Any whining on their part will result in loss of priveleges, namely the possession of the remote control for an agreed upon time.

The reason I have left leneincey in the area of division of labor, is due to reasons unknown, it has recently been brought to my attention that a growing number of women enjoy outdoor duties such as lawn mowing. Traditionally this has been the male job, but in cases where a riding lawn mower is not available, the men have sometimes shirked this duty, which turns out is ok in many situations. Thus, it is necessary to be flexible about the duties in and out of doors within a household.

18 comment(s):

Okay. This is a hypothetical, but what if I've been out all night fighting crime for the "good" of my community at large.
Let's say I've got bullet wounds and bandages from saving the city from evildoers.
Do I still have to cook my "Queen" breakfast every morning?
Could I have maybe every other weekend off?
Thank You

By Blogger uncle joe, at 12:44 PM  

UJ: leave it to you, to not only be my first commentor, but also to bring a very good point to light. in the words of our friend Jack Handey: "but, what if i was NOT running away from the fight like a scared rabbit, but rather running away from that fight, to go fight in another fight?"

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:48 PM  

I don't think men like that exist in the real world. If they did they must be super heroes or something.

Is there a class we can send our men to ~QZ~?

By Blogger EssCue, at 3:49 PM  

I have a question:
1: " Therefore, if a stale mate occurs ..."

Do you have suggestions as to how to freshen the mate up a bit?

By Blogger JTullGuy, at 4:25 PM  

esscue: oh, i will soon be referring men to classes which they can partake of the rich fullness of trainings to become the husband they've never dreamed of. stay tuned

hellohello58: oh, i like you already. your question screams of insightfulness and what not. stale mate does not happen if the guide is adhered to rigorously. because you see, the good husband has showered and fervently brushed his teeth and scrubbed his hindquarters with a little scrubbie thing. he does not EVEN have a skid mark EVER

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:27 PM  

Dear QZ

First off, is your name a reflection of a stomach condition (oh, that would be queezy).

Next: the original guide says
"Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him"

Well, can you explain this a bit further and how this applies to those of us trying to be the perfect husband? Or do I not want to know?

By Blogger JTullGuy, at 5:39 PM  

Once the husband has completed his chores, they should be subject to the wife's approval, that they have been done properly.

For example, if he's going to wash the dishes, they should be clean enough that she doesn't have to go through and wash them all over again anyway because there is still egg stuck to the pan, and grease on the lid, etc.

By Blogger Jenn, at 5:48 PM  

When I read the "stale mate" phrase in the post, I thought it said "stale MALE"! haha

By Blogger EssCue, at 6:37 PM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

By Blogger Badoozie, at 7:42 PM  

Hell58: it could very well be a stomach condition, and possibly caused by you, and your incessant questions. you will find, that i have very little patience with those who ask questions in regards to materials authored by other individuals besides myself. now, what i CAN do is answer questions about my writings here, but I can not speak for the person who wrote the good wifes guide. however if someone else that is participating on this blog would like to have a stab at it, go right ahead,

jenn: i think you've brought up a good point, and i may need to elaborate on the chores a bit more. i will get on this and have it posted in no time, just in case this issue should arise in your own household which somehow i have the feeling it already has?

esscue: that is an easy mistake for someone to make, when they live with a stale male. no offense, but from what i've heard in the blog circles, your male is rather challenged in the area of freshness. i believe he has insinuated that he wears scents such as stetson? or brut? i consider these a smell worse than death. i wish you luck

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:18 AM  

You need a wife. But then, don't we all? I'm trying to reconcile my heterosexuality with that need. Not working.

By Blogger JBlue, at 2:58 AM  

uncle joe, in reflecting back on your original question I think I must have been in a "mood" or pms'ing etc, because i don't think i properly addressed your concern. a very valid concern yes, but indeed it is a concern which i'm sure many male readers have.

now, if you do by chance have an "incident" whilst out and about, i would have to back up a little, because we can not merely put a bandaid on a festering wound. Why would a good husband, be risking his life in that sort of capacity in the first place????

a good husband would have a nice white collar job, where the only chance of injury would come from a papercut, or a chance encounter with the angry copy machine repairman. lets just say, first of all i don't approve of husbands and fathers engaging in superhero jobs, because it is too "high risk".

but if for some reason, you persist on doing this, i would advise that you make arrangements ahead of time. you may want to start a good husbands club, where if you are incapacitated, another husband can fill your shoes for that morning, and get the breakfast out. can you do that for me? at least that?

thank you for your question, hope to see you back again.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:56 AM  

well this made more sense than the original guide for wives. *snort*

By Blogger Mrs. Diamond, at 4:40 PM  

mrs. diamond, i will address "snorting" later on, but for now in short, please don't snort in front of a husband, it causes them to look elsewhere for nicer sounding women

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:55 PM  

I'm going to print this out and show my hopefully-one-day-to-be-fiancee.

Should set a few ground rules for when we move in together.


By Blogger Alice, at 1:36 AM  

careful you dont' let these wise words out to anyone else, don't want anyone to stealeo them, and use them as their own. hey, i need to talk to you about something

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:17 AM  

division of power in the home? Like I have the blow dryer going so he can't work the toaster blowing fuses like the fourth of july?

I'm pretty sure Mr. Coffee is the model from which the GHG originated? I'd bet my non-substituted coffee on that.

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 12:24 PM  

emmasometimes, i'm thinking that i could probably find something wrong with mr coffee. just give me a minute. cause i can pretty much find something wrong with every man on this earth, as i'm sure they could with me. so, what i suggest, is i get in a room with the man, and we just fight it out and the last one standing is the one that wins.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:59 PM  

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