Just Behave....
I have a burning issue that I want to write about. unfortunately I am still in the "hurting" phase and that is not conducive to putting my normal humorous spin on the subject.
The subject is "persona"
noun
face, public face, character, personality, identity, self; front, facade, guise, exterior, role, part.". Taken from my dictionary on the macbook.
I need to move to the bitter stage, and then the words will flow like liquid chocolate. Trust me.
I had an epiphany of sorts about this issue/subject in reference to the men in my life. It hit me REALLY hard and I have stayed at home for days thinking about it, processing it and trying to get a handle on it in a way that I can present it in my usual fashion. If you are a reader of this blog, you can look forward to this because when It comes to me? And I spew it forth? It's gonna ROCK
Common Relationship Complaints
Nagging:I don't nag. I simply clonk the man over the head with a shovel and feed his body to the feral cats.
Clingy:The only thing Clingy about me is the residual blood stuck to the bottom of my shoes.
Too Available: I'm available when I want to be, why I want to be and how I want to be. Nothing speaks "I'm gonna kill you in your sleep" like someone who attempts to define the appropriate amount of availability I have to provide for him.
Insecure:This translates to someone who is always wanting to know where you are and who is around you. In these cases, I have to say one thing. I'M NOWHERE WITH NO ONE AND IF YOU KEEP THIS UP YOU ARE GOING TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND THAT SOMEWHERE IS GOING TO BE SIX FEET UNDER IN OUR BACK YARD. The only thing I'm insecure about is whether or not the police will discover the body before I'm able to leave the country.
SuspiciousSo what took you so long at the store? Well, what took me so long at the store was that I was comparing prices, searching for gluten free products and frisking the boxboys. Is there a problem with that? Cause if there IS, I can frisk YOU but only not with my hands.
ControllingThis is the person that is unable to define, understand or implement compromise. This person looks at you as if you just murdered their best friend when you mention the word "compromise". This is a person who doesn't even deserve a swift fate, but instead, they deserve to be taught a lessen on control. In this case, I would duct tape their arms and legs, put them in a shallow grave and slowly shovel dirt over their live body while they scream for mercy. See, in this way? They are learning they are NOT in control, I am. I inform them that if and when they agree to stop with their controlling buffoonery, I will release them from the confines of our natures clutches.
WE INTERRUPT THIS RANT TO BRING YOU A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT/DISCLAIMER:
I just noticed that each of these subjects includes talk of violence. As you know, violence solves nothing and is also against the law. Please be aware that at no time have I administered any of these treatments, nor do I advocate their use. This is simply hypothetical and suggestive of a much deeper issue. That being my need for a healthy outlet in regards to my anger. Thank you and carry on.
I just ate a large wallet
Oh my lord, I am so remiss with this blog. You would think I would pay more attention to it, what with the lack of employment I am currently experiencing. But alas, I have other things I have been doing such as:SleepingEatingSmelling my hairBuying new hair productsListening to the same song over and overCausing troubleLooking out the window at hawt firemenFeeling weirdLooking weirdBeing weirdOK that's enough, I think you get the picture, and if you don't then lord help you.Damn, I got some new shampoo and my hair smells really good ;)OK, I have been thinking lately about marriage and if I perchance would ever want to indulge in that again. I thought and thought...and then I thought FUCK NO.And you want to know why I thought that?Good, just think on it because if it doesn't come to you immediately then you need electric shock therapy.I don't enjoy being commanded about, told what to do and how to do it and being resented. Ooopsssss did I say that out loud? About the Lords Sacred Marriage Covenant? Oh my!! I can feel the flames of hell licking at my heels!I mean what sort of deluded person does not want to engage in holy matrimony. I must be insane. But we already knew that.While the benefits of HM ( holy matrimony) are plentiful, the call of the single life is creating ambivalence within my person. And for benefits, I can think mainly of monetary benefits. It gets a little old trying to support yourself when you keep getting fired for being too smart or too hot. It gets a little old trying to scrounge up personal possessions around the house to sell on Ebay to make the rent. Sometimes I wonder...what would it be like if I just relented and found myself a sugar daddy? Well, I could either find myself an old guy with money (wrinkly dick) or a younger guy with not as much money that wants me to produce approximately 2 offspring for every year of our marriage. I am so confused, you have no idea.I need to make another amazing analogy about marriage.I'm seriously going to think on this and get back here and do that.Please stand by whilst I do the noodle dance!!!Love yaOver and outPeaceWORD
Did you get my text?
In light of the ever increasing number of text messagers I think it's time we spoke of this anomaly. I think text messaging is representative of the American lifestyle as a whole. It's convenient, impersonal and partaken of in mass quantities. More is better you know. What does this have to do with marriage you ask? I have no idea and never did when I first started typing this but as this post goes on I think I can tie it in.
Personally I don't do much text messaging simply because my phone is archaic. In other words, it is a year and a half old. You have to actually use your fingers to punch on the little tiny number buttons, and you can sometimes take upwards of 2 hours to send a message that says: "get milk on your way home from work or you'll wake up in the night with a rusty shiv in your spine".
Except it isn't that technical, it's broken down into our nations second language, text language which would look like this:
"gt mlk or ul wk up w/a shiv n ur bk" I'm probably not doing that right because as I said before I don't do much texting and when I do, I reveal my true text-tardness by actually spelling out entire words. People probably can't read it. Nothing says "I'm cool" like a head bent over and fingers flying on the keypad, or the stylus pecking the screen.
Many marriages exist inside a text box. (didn't think I could do it didja?) There's only so much variation and a lot of repetition. Some are a little more in depth, like the texters box who types out the whole word, but most of the time what goes on inside that marriage is abbreviated as much as possible much like the text language users text box. Some use all of the pre-made standard messages that came with the phone.
What I'm trying to say is that marriage is not that complex, and most marriage relationships are pretty similar and mundane. People will argue that point but those are the ones who've only been married 2 days and are not yet home from the honeymoon.
Everyone gets bored, everyone gets annoyed with the nuances of their spouse and everyone falls into a routine. Everyone learns what to expect from their spouse, good or bad and everyone wears on each other at some point. That's not to say the marriage isn't a success or the partners don't love each other, it's just that it "is what it is" and there's not much that's going to change it. Maybe.
As a single person at age 40, as can be expected most of my friends are married. When they are telling me of their day-to-day trials, I'm thinking to myself; "poor sorry bastards". It makes me glad to be single even though I can't afford anything and live off the charity of American Express.
The other thing I'm thinking to myself is: "didn't we just have this conversation a month ago?" ... or "I think I'm having deja-vu" or "are they just going to continue to have the same argument and never do anything different?". That's all the stuff I'm thinking. I'm also thinking: "If I was married to that person I'd pay someone to clonk me on the head with a shovel, take me into the woods and bury me in a shallow grave because that sounds better than this nonsense".
I've given up on dispensing my awesome advice, which by the way is way cool and would mostly likely work 60% of the time all the time. I just listen, empathize with the person and think about how much I like being single. If any of you readers want to actually experience for yourself some of my mind-blowing advice, throw me out an issue in the comments and I'll throw you out some astounding advice.
To be continued.....(because I think I can tie marriage into other cell phone features cause tha's how I roll!)
That Grass.....
You know what they say, the grass is always greener on the other side? Well guess what..it is, and you know why? Because you didn't take care of yours...you didn't water, fertilize, weed etc, you dumb
SONS O BITCHES.
Hey, when’s the last time you flossed your teeth, used mouthwash or washed your asscrack after taking a huge crap? That's what I thought...I think it's called
complacency. Either that or just pure laziness, which is pretty much the same thing. That other word is more impressive though.
You know why so many marriages fail? It's not because you fall out of love with your partner, it is because you fall out of love with your own self. You don't take care of you, and it shows. You are slack on hygiene and keeping yourself looking sharp and fit, you don't have interests of your own, you don't date your spouse etcetc.
You get bored and it's your own damn fault. So why do you move onto the other side? Because that green grass over there is soft on the skin...it compliments your eyes, and camouflages your skanky teeth. It flatters, fondles and justifies...it gives affirmation and appreciation. You know why it does that? Because you are actually putting forth an effort to stroke it's pure luxury. The newness of it all makes your pulse throb and your limbs weak. You want to roll around in it; you want to be ON IT. That's nice...you wanna be friends with it.
Oops...you kinda slipped a little...now you have a big ole grass stain. Will the stain remover take that out? You're what? You're out of stain remover? so quickly?
Wow...I guess sometimes old dogs never change.
Get a clue peeps....bloom where you're planted or I'll slap you into next week.
How Zit?
Well, as you can tell, I've let this blog lapse for awhile.....But hey. Sometimes life is hard, and you have your little speed bumps (ex's legs under car tires) but then you move on. You get the hell up and you move on. And now? It's time to stop moping around, and get back on the marriage train. Time to start whipping this world into shape..Time to warp some of your minds with my advice. Time to torture you with my rants about marriage. So, where shall we begin? Where to begin again....hmmm...
Have we covered the marriage/zit analogy yet?
marital problems are like a festering zit....The longer you let the problems fester, the bigger they get until one day, there is a huge explosion and shit goes flying everywhere. But if you take an antibiotic that prevents zits in the first place, then you won't have to go to the pus place. That icky place where people go, where they wallow in big pits of pus and blood and goobers. And usually don't come out smelling too good. Lots of times, by then its too late. The damage is already done, and even if the zit explodes and you clean up the mess, there's a big pit left in it's place, or at the very least a scar.
We need to prevent those festering zits in the first place. Lets have a little discussion. Lets talk about prevention.
What are some things in a marriage that are "icky" (like my big words?) that need to be prevented
1. Arguments that turn into war zones
2. Money problems/spending problems
3. Nasty habits/addictions
4. Kids/step kids
5. ex's
6. Religious differences
7. Political differences
8. Chores
9. Television
10. Sex
11. Blame
12. Name calling
13. Nagging
14. Inlaws
15. Discipline of kids
16. Hobbies/ or lack of
17. Collections
18. Work or lack thereof
19. Vacations
20. Where to live/relocation/moving
ok that's enough for now....Feel free to add to it, or bring up a subject you'd like to address.
First we'll talk about fighting/arguments that turn into huge wars.
That is the issue, but at the root of it, is a communication breakdown. Because couples are going to have things come up they disagree on. There's no way around that when you have two unique individuals co-habitating under one roof.
So, lets start with an example....We have an issue that needs to be discussed.
how would you approach it?
Well, that depends on your partner and their unique personality. Consider the following: let's call them the 3 T's
Type of issue: How important is this issue....What are the motivations behind the need to settle it. Is it potentially damaging to another person or property? Or is it something that is just a pet peeve. Pick your battles. Let the little things slide, and attack the big issues, the ones that could fester and grow. An example would be you don't like the husband leaving his dirty underwear in the bathroom....Maybe there is a way around this....vs, you don't like your husband staying after work late with just his female secretary. See the difference? Pick you battles.
Time of day: Is your mate really tired after work? Have they spent the day dealing with irrational people? Do they need some time to unwind before you off load stuff onto them? Could it wait until they are in a better mood, or until they are better able to cope with an argument?
Tone of voice: What sort of tone do you use with your spouse. Is it accusatory? Is it inflamed? Is it louder than usual? Is it whiney? What if you approached the issue using a normal timbre, and tone.....as if you were talking about something pleasant, like say: the sale down at the department store.
So lets re-cap:
don't bombard your mate the second they walk in the door, don't nit pick over stupid little things, and don't use a snotty tone of voice. Other wise you'll put them on the defense immediately and things will escalate. Next thing you know words will be flying through the air like pigs off a cliff during a windstorm.
Next post, we will be talking about I statements and Feelings vs opinions.
ok, your turn...drop some issues on me to talk about?
Oh looky looky
It's been a coons age since I posted on here, sometimes I forget this even exists...then I come over here and realize...hey...whoa...
warning: this post contains dangerous levels of sarcasm, read with caution.
So, in the realm of marriage, the longer I'm NOT, the more I like it. But there are some problems. I'm being pursued fervently by a man who wants to be my guy. While I can appreciate the earnestness of his courting, I can also say that It makes me want to stab him. Seriously, when you tell someone straight up that you are NOT INTERESTED in a committment/ relationship/ exclusiveboyfriend/ overnighter/ blankethog/ snoring/ underwearleaver/ unromantic/ toiletseatleaverupper/ boring/ arguer/ controlfreak/ manipulator/ spiritsquasher AT THIS TIME.
So here's how I see it, if this person continues to pursue to WIN, then this is more like a competition and I'm being objectified. It has nothing to do with what I want or need, and everything to do with the pursuer and what he wants and THINKS he needs. I figure I have a few good years left to date hotties and have fun, so why would I want to settle down into the mundane existence of
jail marriage after spending the better part of my adult years in this warped zone. hows about
NOI'm sure there are benefits to settling down, such as;
washing someone elses clothing
never being able to sleep
having to cook actual food
making someones lunch
flushing the toilet
replacing the toilet paper
hiding my purchases
taking the passwords off my emails
not ever talking or looking at another man
no flirting
no going out with friends
not acting immature
watching what they want to watch
going where they want to go
having to make your kid behave
the list goes on but I think you get the picture, marriage/committed relationships are so...er...compelling? stimilating? so tempting...sooooooooooooooo.
Because seriously, who needs sleep? You can sleep when you're dead. Who needs their personal space? That is over rated and selfish. And it's not in good taste to shop or spend money, frivolity is vain. No one needs friends or much less to go out with them, and looking at other men is just icky? As for independence why would I want to be out here on my lonely only when I could have the stable security of a 300lb hunk a burnin beer belly?
There you have it
Do the Dishes or Die AssCLOWN
Well folks, we have our first brave soul who has submitted a question for me to ponder and spew forth wisdom. This comes from
Winter of the solstice region.
"Okay I have a question, how can I make my Husband respect the fact that I need him to do ALL the dishes?
Because I promise you, I'll divorce him before I do any."Well Winter, I have a few suggestions for you. Of course as with all of my words, you can take what you need and leave the rest.
Doing the dishes is a constant as with laundry. Without more details from you, I can only assume you have a husband who does not finish the task? Or maybe will not even start the task. There could be a myriad of reasons behind your concern. But the key word that I picked out from your question was
RESPECT.
As in many marriages, this is the root of most problems. A general lack of respect for the wants, needs and preferences of the other person.
Some men are lacking in the knowledge of the aforementioned triple threat. They just don't get it, plain and simple....or do they???? They can't see beyond their own world into the world of others, and why it is important for certain things to be certain ways. They are left brained, or whatever...we can just blame it on that so we don't get haters here. (notice I said "some" men so don't get all hateful on me guys)
Not that they are stupid, (far from it) they are just selectively stupid when it suits them. And most of the time that is in regard to household chores. IF they play stupid they believe they will frustrate you to the point where you will no longer ask them to do anything you will just do it yourself. And or they do it wrong every time. Either way, they feel they are getting out of it by playing like they don't understand, they don't remember, or they just don't know why you have to make a big deal over it.
LISTEN UP JACKASSES, YOUR PATHETIC LIVES DEPEND ON THIS
ok.
I really do like men, I swear. I've been married to enough of them.
I do not have a cut and dry solution to this problem because it has to start with the foundation of respect. And I am just not deep enough or smart enough to know how to foster that in a grown man. I can only control myself, so I will tell you what YOU can do to lessen the frustrations you are feeling and prevent homicide in your home, or worse....DIVORCE..chokechoke
Crack
Weed
Beer
Wine
Shop
blog
sleep
killyourself
Ok, lets get serious here. I was just kidding, except the sleeping part, that usually takes me away of a good deal of struggles.
What would happen if you did not do the dishes and just left them for him? Does it bother him at all if there are dishes there? Well if it doesn't bother him, you need to make it bother him. You need to cook the most gargantuan meal ever, dirty every stinking pot in the house and then leave for the weekend for a getaway with your friends. Do not...I repeat DO NOT do the dishes. I don't care how much it bugs you. If he has no glasses to drink from or even measuring cups to drink out of, no casserole dishes to eat his cereal from, he will eventually do the damn dishes.
Do not shop, cook, clean or anything else until he concedes to do his part. Stay somewhere else for however long it takes to get your point across. Just tell him you will be back when he "gets it". But make sure wherever you are, you are eating well and having a lot of fun.
That was the most severe of my Mrs Pigglewiggle advice. If you can't bring yourself to do that, and talking gets you no where, club the asshole over the head and bury him in the backyard. It would be cheaper and less painful than a divorce.
The rest is up to you. How bad is it bugging you? How much do you want it to change? As I said before, and in all seriousness, you can only change you. So if YOU are enabling him to continue disrespecting your wishes by eventually doing the task, then YOU are the problem. I know no one likes to hear they are the problem when it's pretty obvious who the slacker is, but you have to be tough enough to do what it takes to bring about change. Don't let it fester for one more day. Brainstorm ways to get him to think it is HIS idea, and not yours. Men are so more apt to conform if they think it is their idea.
Ok, that's all I have for now. Peace be with you in your marital storms
New "MO"
I'm sort of back. I got totally off track with this blog due to frustration and anger issues, but I want to get back to the original intent soon. I was thinking about a question and answer forum, with you the reader asking and me answering with my usual lack of tact and seriousness. I just need to get around and alert everyone that I'm here again if you happen by.
Sometimes I forget
Sometimes the pro's and cons of marriage get all tangled up in my mind with the benefits of my singledom.
Not having to answer to anyone, tell them where I'm going or when I'll be back, not having to explain why I blogged all day, or didn't get their shirts cleaned. Not having to go to bed at a certain time or get up at a certain time. Not getting bitched out for petty things.
But then there's the flipside, no one to come home to, kiss hello or goodbye, no one to know if you've been gone too long and might be dead, no one to snuggle with at night...a cold and empty bed and lonliness in an empty home. Someone to stare at and wonder why they want to be with you, someone to sit with and watch tv, someone to motivate me to cook decent meals, or curtail my spending habits. And someone to do
stuff with that is fun.
I wonder about all of this and think I probably don't want to grow old alone. I wonder if the third time is the charm? I really like the B-man, he is snuggly yet manly, he smells good, feels good and makes me laugh. I wouldn't mind coming home to him everyday, and I wonder if he feels the same about me.....
