The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Damage Control

When someone demonstrates that they don't care about you, there is a point where you realize they never DID care about you and that smarts. It would be a lot easier to deal with if you had not fooled yourself into believing they cared, or were your friend for that matter. I'm really not sure what sort of person it takes to callously use others for their own benefit, and then cast them aside like a used paper cup. Plus there is the disappointment I feel with myself when I realize that I misjudged someone who is so blatantly assholish. (I deem that a real word)

People seem to think that dating is like shopping on the internet.. Just keep piling things in your "cart" and don't bother to remove them once you decide you don't want that item. Whatever happened to people being forthright, upfront, honest or straight with others? What ever happened to people actually giving a shit about others feelings? Why is it ok to treat someone like they are a freakin robot who has no ability to be hurt?

I try my hardest to be straight up with potential dates, or friends. When someone takes that, ignores it, and chooses instead to tamper with my emotions, it tends to make me very angry. Then when that person tries to make rules as to how things are handled if they happen to go sideways, then knowingly helps it to go sideways, that pisses me off even more. It's like they want to cause as much destruction as they feel like and walk away without any consequences. Here's me hoping that "he" reaps the consequences of his selfish, dishonorable and callous treatment of someone he said was his "friend".

What sort of selfish prick does this? I'll tell you what sort, about 90% of the men I've dealt with. How's that for a statistic that I pulled out of my ass. Not only did I pull it out of my ass, but my ass produces pretty accurate crap. Guess what guys, if you don't "do drama" stay away from relationships. If you don't want to "hurt someone" then don't. If you don't want to "be involved" then don't have sex. If you want to be a total asshat, then just go live in the woods and leave people alone.

I think I've had enough. I already knew I never wanted to be in jail.. I mean married again, but after a few years of dealing with the aforementioned bullshit, I'm done. It's time to give up the juvenile dreams of true love, soul mates, and weak in the knees. It's all propaganda that has been fed to us by the main stream media. Or maybe it was fairy tales in childhood books, I can't remember. At any rate, I think I'll take on a new stance from now on when coming across the opposite sex. I'll just get my shovel out and dig the hole right then, and save myself the grief of mistakenly thinking something might come out of it that is productive and positive. I just looked in the mirror and realized for the first time in my life I have a tattoo stamped on my forehead. It says "please shit all over my heart because I really like it".

BOOM, roasted.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Part Two: Reality Bites but Fantasies Lick

do men like this exist? Awesome song.

My fantasies are actually just dreams I can't control.

I can imagine if some thug was holding a gun to my head in order to force a guy to do something because he didn't want me to get my head blown off. I think I would be rolling my eyes and saying my last prayers. Some people were dropped on their heads at birth, I was dropped on my heart. It's defective in a different sort of way. It seems to repel men no matter how I try.

I recently had words with my biological father and it did not go well. You see, he has a different reality and set of memories than I do. Plus he's never been wrong one time in his life, so his set of memories is the right one by default. I'm just not in the mood to rearrange my entire past right now, it's too much effort. To add insult to injury, I told him I don't want to hear it.. actually I told him he's not allowed to cram them down my throat. Because he is not and that is just how it is.

Unfortunately since I did not allow him to force his truth off on me, aka have the last word, he is no longer interested in speaking to me. He recommended we stay out of each others lives.. How this is any different from the way it's always been I do not know. If there is one valuable thing my father taught me it is that people are not obligated to care about each other. Nor are they obligated to make up for what someone else did to you.

If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has to be forced to 'care' about you, get the heck out. Speaking of which, what gives guys the right to heap compliments on you, wow you with their savvy abilities when it comes to nurturing a relationship, get you where they want you and then treat you like shit? For some odd reason, you take offense to that and suggest the relationship is not working then you listen to their 12 hour monologue on what all YOU did to fuck it up. Nice.

I look good in theory but when it turns out I'm exactly what I said I was, and have not misrepresented myself it's hard to swallow eh? why God blessed me with scruples, and decency is beyond me. I'd be sitting in some vacation resort right now decked out in finery holding a mixed drink had I been born a manipulative, passive aggressive, high maintenance little bitch. But no.... I just had to go and be real and honest. Call me an idiot, I deserve it. Like I said, I was born with a defective heart and don't seem to understand what it takes to get ahead in this world. (that's what he said)

Instead of going to the resort, I've gone on a pity trip which makes me disgusted with my own self. I'm NOT a victim so I promise not to wallow for long. There's just one tiny little problem, I have all this energy just waiting to burst out from my defective heart. It's been building up for awhile because I figured out a few years back it was futile to expend it on the person/s currently in my life. I missed my calling, I should have a career in concrete.

Oh wait.. was that the other way around? I'm not sure, but I wasted my time building the walls, because nothing and no one was attempting to penetrate them. Besides that I want to lose some more weight so I may as well take a jackhammer to the walls and get this over with. If some poor sap becomes the recipient of my pent up heart energy I feel sorry for him in advance. I'll let it bombard him until he asks me to stop, moves far away or takes out a restraining order. You can't lose what you never had in the first place.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Part One: Reality Bites but Fantasies Lick

How do you incorporate comedy into tragic, heart wrenching bitter endings?

I think it was some time in my late 30's after my second divorce when I realized that love had not just passed me by, it had never arrived in the first place. It's different to care deeply about someone, or to love them in the verb sense of the word.. but true, deep and fascinating love had not once camped on my doorstep. I might have mistaken it for such a few times but quickly realized it was nothing but a farce, wrapped up in a glittery package. The minute I opened it up, the wrapping blew away and what was inside stung my eyeballs with the reality that nothing is ever as it seems on the outside. A fart is a fart, and the only thing that changes is it is how many beans someone ate for dinner and when they last took a healthy dump.

I have a penchant for choosing men who are horribly selfish, overbearing, emotionally abusive, and boundary busting assholes. Granted it's only taken me twice to realize that marrying one of them will never happen again... I wish I had determined that the first time. Sometime around the early part of my life, probably when I first appeared outside my mothers womb, I knew that to my father I was nothing. My father had 3 girls, and nary a day went past that he did not remind us how useless we were to him. Mind you he never came right out and said it, but you can only be called demeaning names so many times with no love in the mix before you figure it out. I don't care how young you are. Suffice it to say none of us were very sad when he decided to be an absent father who worked away from home. Eventually he left altogether when keeping up the farce of father and husband twice a year became too much for him to bear. A more selfish man I have never met.

To this day, I have never heard him utter a compliment, or loving word to either myself, or my two older sisters. The words "I love you' do not exist in his alter universe. The words "I'm proud of you" never crossed his mind. O he's plenty proud of HIS good old self.. after all he's worked by the sweat of his brow and earned his keep. He has amassed tangible wealth of which value we have no idea, and won't know until he decides to exit his earthly shell. He's a walking, talking check book with a balance that means more to him than any girl child ever could.

However, this is not to be a story where I blame my tragic existence on my father, rather I use it to reflect on how I got to where I am, and how I can exonerate myself for the embarrassing mistakes I call my x husbands. At least for this one time, I'm blaming those on my father. He really has it coming, you have no idea. If this is the least I can do to get retribution for being called a knot-head clown when having the audacity to breath in his presence, we're on the right track.

Much to the chagrin of my father, we girls have continued to exist in the world, and cause problems by simply opening our mouths, and talking. "Kids are a pain in the ass" he said not too long ago. I'm not sure where he garnered this knowledge, since he's never really been around kids, or had to deal with them being a daily pain in the ass. He must be speaking through the experience of his friends whom I'm sure have kids that are REAL painsintheasses, imagine that. But to our father, we have been nothing more than an excuse to reiterate how useless women are and how everything they do, think and want is ridiculous and stupid.

So, blame my father for my lack of self worth? My overcompensation and desire to please men and make them like me? Make them think I'm worth something, smart and useful? Right... no blame there. Let's just say for the sake of argument that all the mistakes I have made have nothing to do with that, and everything to do with not employing rationalization at the start of every potential relationship. That takes the edge off the bitterness and puts the blame back where it belongs, right on my head.

I'm a tragic soul with a mysterious and wandering mind, hard to read with a heart bound up in sinew. I have no plans to change at any time in the future. From what I've seen, appearing weak and vulnerable only gives men yet another chance to make you feel small. So I think I'll keep my frosty facade in place thank you very much. They can keep their ego on their own side of the fence. I'd rather stroke the blades of a running prop plane than give up the slightest inclination I care about their fragile egos. Many a male has probably thought me a bitter old bitch but to them I say, better bitter than your kitty cat, chasing the laser pointer you so flippantly pull out whenever the mood strikes you, laughing maniacally while I fruitlessly try to capture it. Wait, whose hearts were we talking about?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Love is fleeting

The first time I saw him, he was holding a Pabst Blue Ribbon at a frat party. He winked at me and within 5 minutes we were grinding on the dance floor. The night swept past in a blur, as Rusty introduced me to so many things. Jungle juice in the bath tub, beer bongs, smoking weed from a beer can and the loudest burp contest.

I wish I had remembered it better. It was hard to focus with his six pack bulging under his white, net tank top. I stole glances as his neon green parachute pants accentuated his palpable ass cheeks. The passion grew and burned within my loins like a flaming, golden hawk. When he drove me home it was obvious the attraction was mutual. In a turn of events that would forever change my life, we consummated our relationship in the back of his 67' Mustang while White snake blared on the Pioneer speakers.

Later we would lie on the hood sipping from a bottle of Blue Moon Riesling. We told stories of our youth and complained about people with really bushy eyebrows.

Years later I would be shocked to see his name on the Glenn Beck fan page. It was like a jack-in-the box jumping out, slamming into my eyes, and detaching my retinas. Like when the outside pocket of your back pack comes unzipped and is just flopping there. That is what it would be like with the retinas.

I was very hopeful that he had been able to overcome his parents indoctrinations of hate and intolerance. The same views that had ripped us apart prematurely so many years ago. I had sat with him on his parents nagahyde couch during our first meeting. After Rusty had told them where I was from, the blood drained from their faces. They looked at me, they looked at him, then at each other. This went on so long that I dozed off.

I awoke to Rusty gently shaking my shoulder. "We have to leave, NOW" he purred in my ear. He hurriedly helped peel me off the couch, and escorted me from the house while I begged him to explain what was wrong. When he finally told me I was speechless. "I'm just one little person living in a state full of people and some of those people aren't nice! I cried. I've never even SEEN a skinhead Aryan!" I guess I was not speechless.

No matter, he would not hear it. He deposited me at my apartment and I didn't see him again. Imagine my anguish when many years later, I discovered my first love Rusty had not only embraced his parents views, but used them to mock me relentlessly. I shall never get over the love we once had. My heart bleeds real blood and my head feels as if it is made of lead. Since the head is already really heavy you can imagine how that feels. It made me glad I had spilled an entire package of m&ms down his defroster vents in that Mustang.

If only the hurts could be repaired and regenerated like a human cell. LIke when white blood cells and cells that ingest bacteria move to the wound site to kill the microorganisms that cause infection, so I wish for the healing of the wounds in my heart.

Friday, May 07, 2010

My latest match

This is an actual email exchange with a person on I was 90% sure it was phony, thus the following communication.

51 yr old male, handle is "praspector".
im dan i spent my younger life doing amazing adventerious jobs,sowing my wild oats.the price i had to pay was not haveing someone at home worrieing about me.this would not of been right of me and i did not have the time for a relationship but i do have time now for the right gal, so if you are looking for someone who will put the time and effert into createing something that has meaning and is real.wright me back and meet me halfway and ill get the white horse and dust off my knights armor[i havent done this in awile] so i may miss and not sweep you off your feet when i ride by but i will knock your socks off

Email from me:
I am glad you are a praspector because I have 2 gold crowns and and need another one. The gold stud I had in my nose fell out one day when I was blowing a snot rocket. The only praspecting I've ever done is for the money that falls in the cushions of the couch. I'm a minimalist, so far I'm down to just a pee stained stained couch and a electro static sweeper.

I home school my 5 kids and most of them are autistic and cross-eyed. They are not potty trained. They will never aspire to pee on forest fires. I should have another because funds are tight and so far Obama has not increased my welfare.

I"m looking for a romantic snuggle bunny because I hardly ever move off the couch. I want a new daddy for my kids and hoping for one that has a little cash. But I will settle for gold.

Hope to hear from your badass soon


i belive ya.why dont you bring the kids come to my mines in murray idaho you may keep all the gold you can find you talk the talk back it up my mines that are open to the public are called you dig it gold mines the public is wellcome and keep all the gold you find just turn left on main street in murray idaho and follow the sings to the mine or next week i will be heading to judith basin in montanna to dig gold and saphires if you like you can load the kids up and join me on that dig ill pay for the motel room for ya.i have an extra shovel lets see if you only talk the talk or can walk the walk

I'll be there, first I have to take the youngest into the clinic, he's got a lip fungus that aint been identified yet. How many shovels do I bring? Why don't you provide those.

I hope the car makes it, it has a few problems here and there but for the most part is ok. some of the kids will have to ride in the back (station wagon) i just found a cool stash of bungee cords to put our stuff on top. We got one of those fancy dvd players for the back of the seat that should keep em quiet til we get to the first mcdonalds.

when I get there you'll know it's me.


if you are just comming to look for gold i do not care who or when folks show up the public is welcome as long as thay clean up thir garbage and fill in the holes .if you want me to be there i can be .we are a little backwards here in shoshone county there is a seatbetlt law but if you have bungee cords you can let the kids ride on top of the car as long as thay are bungeed down good if thay fall off and you lose one theres a lot of other little kid running around up here you can grab one of them

i forgot to mention that i do not now nor have i ever had a sence of humor if i did i would probily tell you about my best friend who doesnt like me, kid.the kid was walking by his parents bed room and herd a bunch of whoopping and hollering so the kid opened the door his mom had on a cheerleaders outfit his dad a pair of chaps nothing else.the kid asked what the hell is going on .the dad said go to your room and he would talk to him in about 20 about 30min, no maybe 40 min go by and the dad walked by the kids door and heard some whooping and hollering and opened the door the kid was doing his grandma the dad asked what the hell is going on in here ,the kid said see it is not so damn funnie when it is your mom.i was watching a about mickel jackson he had alot in common with jc,pennies [little boys pants half off],i have to go now i am teaching my one legged dog how to dig holes and then i am going to the home depot that isnt there and buy some food to eat and then to sears i bought an air conpresser so i can put air in my car tires but i can not find where you put the quarters in it at

I hope you know all this shit is getting posted on my blog because it is hilarious.

I have to say on another note, I have never seen a one legged dog. I think you should do the humane thing and get it a scooter chair. Are you just keeping it alive to attract women? I do not shop at home depot ever since the time I asked for hurricane clips and they gave me the address to the nearest hair supply place.

I have hunted garnets for hours in idaho and I have some pretty large ones. Probably bigger than your balls.

Have a good day.


good morning
we do not have a home depot here but when i was there i ran into some kids that were home schooled thay got kicked out of school for makeing passes at the teacher.i was going to wright you a longer e-mail but right now the power is out up here and my computer doesnt work when the power is off.i have to go let my one legged dog in he keeps falling over i bought him at wallmart for half price.ill wright you more when the power is on and i can use my computer you have a good day

The end. (7 day free trial ran out).

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My 3 Chins

It goes without saying as we age our outward beauty fades. Some people were beaten so severely by the ugly stick they don't have anything to lose. I will freely admit I am vain. I like to stare at gorgeous men and can't imagine having to engage in relations with some old dude who has wrinkly dick.

This presents a little bit of a problem for me. As you may or may not know I am advancing in the years. While I do look younger than my stated age it is inevitable things will begin to occur which lead me to believe I will forever be single. Not that being single is a bad thing.... but who will I go on cruises to Alaska with? Who will I play bingo with? Who will share my airstream trailer in the 55 plus park located in Yuma, AZ?

Not to get off topic but the thought of sex with old guys is making my skin crawl.

What were we talking about? oh yeah, how many cold ones I'm gonna need to throw back in order to erase the previous visual.

I have the following requirements for pictures taken of me:

Fair warning so that I can be wearing something other than a hair net, orthopedic shoes and yellow plastic gloves.

A mirror to check my hair and my nose for stray boogers.

I need to re-apply my lip gloss.

and last but not least I need the camera to be suspended at least 10 feet above my head. No one in their right mind can deny the effects of that maneuver significantly decrease the chances of your 3 plus chins rearing their ugly chin heads. Not to mention that whisker I forgot to pluck.

I seriously do not want to get old. I know, I know I need to stay alive for grand kids etc and picking up trash alongside a stretch of road I adopted and put my name on. I just don't know if my young insides can look out my eyes and see an old lady visage in the reflection of my mirror.

At some point I will consider discontinuing certain activities that enable me to be alive. Such as eating, medications, skin cancer removal or refraining from sleeping on train tracks. You may think me stupid and vain but if you really get down to brass tacks I'm right and you know it.


Tuesday, January 05, 2010


I added my email on here. There have consistently been comments on an old thread for the post "top ten reasons I hate being married". Obviously there are a lot of hurting people out there who are "stuck". I can relate on a serious level, putting aside all the sarcasm and goofiness I normally post. If you are someone who has, or wants to comment on that post feel free to email me if you would like to converse about your issues. I'm pretty good with that sort of thing.

Over and Out

Some funny jokes a friend emailed to me:


(because they are plugged into a genius)

(they don't have enough time)

(they don't stop to ask directions)

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '


A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.



Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manua

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Just Behave....

I have a burning issue that I want to write about. unfortunately I am still in the "hurting" phase and that is not conducive to putting my normal humorous spin on the subject.

The subject is "persona"

face, public face, character, personality, identity, self; front, facade, guise, exterior, role, part.". Taken from my dictionary on the macbook.

I need to move to the bitter stage, and then the words will flow like liquid chocolate. Trust me.

I had an epiphany of sorts about this issue/subject in reference to the men in my life. It hit me REALLY hard and I have stayed at home for days thinking about it, processing it and trying to get a handle on it in a way that I can present it in my usual fashion. If you are a reader of this blog, you can look forward to this because when It comes to me? And I spew it forth? It's gonna ROCK

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Love comes walkin in

Do you know what I think? No. No you do not. That is because I am a highly skilled, professional thinker. No one knows what I'm thinking, not even Chuck Norris. Not even if he is holding a BB gun to my head.

Just recently The Doozie was sitting in a popular little night spot hunkered over her MacBook. She asked the young bartender, "where are all the hot guys tonight?". At that point, some kind of Alien reached for an opening, he simply pulled a string....and love came walking in. He sat two stools down from her. Her eyes must have gotten rather large because as she turned to the bartender he announced "ask and you shall receive".

Now you must realize The Doozie doesn't and hasn't fallen for anyone in a good long while. Let alone within two seconds of his arrival. (ok, enough 3rd person).

I had a decent buzz going on but by no means inebriation. In other words, there were no beer goggles involved. Just the pure, unadulterated dim light shining down on the visage of this stranger, this man who just dropped in out of the heavens. First of all he's short, has all his hair, and he has tats. Lots of them. Now I'm not really one for tats, but this guy? They just worked. All over the place they worked.

Next tests are teeth, and smell, but we'll get to that. Suddenly there was a shadow, as if the sun was blocked out by a huge cloud and down next to me plops this leathery older guy who reeks of smoke, cheap cologne and loserdom. I'm guessing things went sideways at the card table in Vegas and he had to split. He's got the gold rings, the cheap Hawaiian shirt and a hundred dollar bill in his hand which he plops down on the bar.

I could smell annoyance immediately. I have a good sense of smell. First of all, he is blocking my view, and second this buffoon is not going to annoy me for long before I annoy him right back. Sure enough, here it comes. "Do you want to make some money" he asks? "Doing what" I reply, which was a valid question considering I figured the next thing out of his mouth was going to bring about swift change. As in his ass being handed to him AFTER he arrived into next week.

He proceeds to start babbling about some stock I should invest in, then recommends I look it up on my computer. At that point, I shut the lid on my computer, looked at the bartender and realized everyone in the vicinity was getting a kick out of this at my expense. My names such-and-such, what's your name he asked? I can't tell you my name, I am undercover, I replied. I glanced behind guido and caught the eye of Love. There was a sparkle and a fizzing noise and I knew the freak sack next to me had to disappear.

Once again the alien reached down and simply pulled a string. Maggot man gets up and says to me "save my seat for me I'm going to have a smoke". I replied; "I don't see a long line for your seat". That got another few snickers from my fan club. I moved quickly...I leaned over the chair (I swear there was only a little cleavage at this point) and asked Love if he heard what that guy asked me. He suggested we go sit somewhere else and I don't remember what happened after that.

Well, I do remember but it's not something I'm going to be sharing HERE. Let's suffice it to say the chemistry I felt when he walked in that room was spot on. And then some. This could be the beginning of a beautiful thing which I never thought my fingers would type onto this page. Even if it's not, we had fun for awhile, and isn't that the main point? I think so. Oh wait, I just told you what I think, now I have to shine a bright light into your eyes so you will forget.

No, I will not be getting married at this time or any other in the near future. Marriage is the equivalent of a huge buzz-kill and I will continue to degrade, mock and scorn it as I watch other idiots tying the knot. Yeah, go ahead and tie the knot because the next thing you know, you've traded your buzz in for a hangover of epic proportions.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Common Relationship Complaints

I don't nag. I simply clonk the man over the head with a shovel and feed his body to the feral cats.

The only thing Clingy about me is the residual blood stuck to the bottom of my shoes.

Too Available:
I'm available when I want to be, why I want to be and how I want to be. Nothing speaks "I'm gonna kill you in your sleep" like someone who attempts to define the appropriate amount of availability I have to provide for him.

This translates to someone who is always wanting to know where you are and who is around you. In these cases, I have to say one thing. I'M NOWHERE WITH NO ONE AND IF YOU KEEP THIS UP YOU ARE GOING TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND THAT SOMEWHERE IS GOING TO BE SIX FEET UNDER IN OUR BACK YARD. The only thing I'm insecure about is whether or not the police will discover the body before I'm able to leave the country.

So what took you so long at the store? Well, what took me so long at the store was that I was comparing prices, searching for gluten free products and frisking the boxboys. Is there a problem with that? Cause if there IS, I can frisk YOU but only not with my hands.

This is the person that is unable to define, understand or implement compromise. This person looks at you as if you just murdered their best friend when you mention the word "compromise". This is a person who doesn't even deserve a swift fate, but instead, they deserve to be taught a lessen on control. In this case, I would duct tape their arms and legs, put them in a shallow grave and slowly shovel dirt over their live body while they scream for mercy. See, in this way? They are learning they are NOT in control, I am. I inform them that if and when they agree to stop with their controlling buffoonery, I will release them from the confines of our natures clutches.


I just noticed that each of these subjects includes talk of violence. As you know, violence solves nothing and is also against the law. Please be aware that at no time have I administered any of these treatments, nor do I advocate their use. This is simply hypothetical and suggestive of a much deeper issue. That being my need for a healthy outlet in regards to my anger. Thank you and carry on.