The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

My 3 Chins

It goes without saying as we age our outward beauty fades. Some people were beaten so severely by the ugly stick they don't have anything to lose. I will freely admit I am vain. I like to stare at gorgeous men and can't imagine having to engage in relations with some old dude who has wrinkly dick.

This presents a little bit of a problem for me. As you may or may not know I am advancing in the years. While I do look younger than my stated age it is inevitable things will begin to occur which lead me to believe I will forever be single. Not that being single is a bad thing.... but who will I go on cruises to Alaska with? Who will I play bingo with? Who will share my airstream trailer in the 55 plus park located in Yuma, AZ?

Not to get off topic but the thought of sex with old guys is making my skin crawl.

What were we talking about? oh yeah, how many cold ones I'm gonna need to throw back in order to erase the previous visual.

I have the following requirements for pictures taken of me:

Fair warning so that I can be wearing something other than a hair net, orthopedic shoes and yellow plastic gloves.

A mirror to check my hair and my nose for stray boogers.

I need to re-apply my lip gloss.

and last but not least I need the camera to be suspended at least 10 feet above my head. No one in their right mind can deny the effects of that maneuver significantly decrease the chances of your 3 plus chins rearing their ugly chin heads. Not to mention that whisker I forgot to pluck.

I seriously do not want to get old. I know, I know I need to stay alive for grand kids etc and picking up trash alongside a stretch of road I adopted and put my name on. I just don't know if my young insides can look out my eyes and see an old lady visage in the reflection of my mirror.

At some point I will consider discontinuing certain activities that enable me to be alive. Such as eating, medications, skin cancer removal or refraining from sleeping on train tracks. You may think me stupid and vain but if you really get down to brass tacks I'm right and you know it.