The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Thursday, January 25, 2007

29 Things a man over 40 should not do

Breathe out of his mouth
bend over
crack kills
wear suspenders
buy a universal remote control
oh wait, they SHOULD do that, then we only have to look for ONE thing as opposed to 10
Listen to rap
Ride a unicycle
have more than 2 keys on the keyring
eat cocoa puffs for breakfast
wipe properly
wash daily
cry over spilt milk
wonder where his youth has gone
just look at your wife
buy a sportscar
wear boxer briefs
jam out with your 8 track player
attend a high school reunion
take pictures of self
have the wife get glamour shots
do the moonwalk
put up posters of hustler girls in the garage
learn to use the computer
get a cell phone
do any sit ups
learn pilates
play in the balls at mcdonalds
hang a garter from your rearview mirror
wear cateye vaurnets
watch arnold swartzenhager movies

ok is that 29? i'm too lazy to count

Sunday, January 21, 2007


Ok....This is a man. A man around 30 yrs old...a white collar worker, on his day off, at the doctors office. This attire is completely inappropriate. A person under 80 yrs old is NEVERNEVERNEVER allowed to wear tennis shoes with velcro! OH LORD MY EYES...MY EYES...I CAN'T GOUGE OUT MY MINDS's even worse that his pants are highwater.

No, he's not disabled.

Husbands...lets not forget that you are partially representative of your other half. Please be aware of this, and dress accordingly. Do NOT make your wife lay out your clothes, get with it, and find out how to look your best. No, we're not worried someone else will find you attractive, they know better, we've already spread the word about all your nasty habits.

Single men, if you ever have hopes of finding a mate, take this as a lesson to you.

Friday, January 19, 2007


so...this week has been hell. i wanna go home!

i'm to the point where i don't give a rats ass about unpacking boxes. we can live off wendys poop burgers.

i've been shuttling the boy back and forth to school in old town, beings how we haven't got that figured out up here yet. his dad insists he go to SKULL even though i'd rather just let him miss some. his dad of COURSE is not the one doing the driving, but you must understand, i have to be supermom to keep those two off my ass. no ammunition for them!

otherwise today i'm just being a typical sahm....thats short for "shit ass ho mother f'er" for those of you who hate internet acronyms.

did you ever see someone with a head too big for their body and want to go up to them and just say..."hey, thats NOT a good look for you, fix it"?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Meet me in the parking lot after school

Click on picture to enlarge

New Series

Got this idea from some assclown that posted about 29 things women over 30 should not do. So here's my take on it.

1. Date men over 40
2. Allow men to have possession of the remote control
3. Make husbands lunch for him
4. Put the toilet seat down. I think rather they should not only leave it up? but they should remove it entirely thus eliminating the argument over who left the seat up last. What happens in the restrooms when people are naughty and write stuff on the stalls? They remove the doors. So here we will remove the seat. And we will then let the man person squat to do his poopoo business, and then he will learn his lesson forever more.

5. Stock the fridge with snacks. Leave it empty, and if you have snacks hide them in your car or somewhere in the house he will never look like in the laundry hamper.

Don't shave your legs, just let the stubble take over and maybe you can let it get long enough where you can sell it at Christmas and use the money to buy him a gift.

Don't remember his families birthdays etc, just leave that to him, and hey. If he forgets, and they get upset, tell them you're sorry but in that accident five years ago, you were banged on the head and can no longer retain dates or information beyond that of what is currently happening. You are not even capable of writing things down because the tremor in your hand causes writing to be illegible, and you can't type on the computer. You can't buy the voice recognition program for the computer because hubby spent all your money gambling on the football game.

Make sure that when it's time for your anniversary, you leave little notes all over the house reminding him. But not in the way you would think. The notes should include such pertinent information as how many days til superbowl, how much extra money is in the account for him to buy beer and snacks, how many days until your sexual re-awakening, because football makes you horny. And when you get to that day, he will be all excited and you can say PSYCH, it's only our anniversary but thanks for showering, dressing up and bringing snacks!!

this will continue at a later date when I shall tell the men what not to do when they are over 40

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

The Path of Least Resistance

Personally I think that marriage is the road that should be less traveled. Too many times people jump into a marriage without realizing the implications or long term effects. I'm sure it works out for a lot of folks but according to stat's, it only works for half. and out of that half, it only works again for half of the half. If that makes sense.

I just think there are some people out there who are not cut out for holy matrimony. If you do get married, you surely know how hard it can be, and what work it is. For some stupid reason, people seem to think that when they get married, it's the other persons lot in life to keep them happy. I say keep your own damn self happy and the same for your spouse. Then just have fun together and no one gets hurt.

Of course there are the people who don't realize they're not cut out for marriage until it's too late. And they can do one of two things. Stick it out, be miserable and make everyone else miserable, or bail. My father...he chose to bail. Not only did he bail on the marriage, but he bailed on us a long time before the marriage.

I never knew what a good marriage was supposed to look like. I thought all couples were repulsed from touching each other, and the ones who weren't were surely evil or sinners. I thought they all fought over money for groceries, or yelled at each other. I thought all dads were mean to their kids and never came home.

what the hell is my point? I don't even remember.

I think I hate that I've been divorced because it makes me look like a quitter. When I'm anything BUT a quitter. I fought like a maniac to fix things. And in the end I only quit because I was at the end of myself and no longer able to tolerate being treated like a doormat. I guess I sort of grew into myself.

I think making a marriage work is hard work, and I think the people who accomplish it can be seen as hard workers in other area's of their lives. I'm sort of a scrapper, and I always seem to be getting myself in the middle of some skirmish. I think it's because I don't tolerate unethical behaviors in myself, why would I tolerate them in others? So I call it like I see it, and I end up being the bad guy.

There is a decision to make at some point. As in a marriage, do you lower your expectations and standards, and just put up? Or do you stick to your guns and fight for what is right. Same with work. Do you lower yourself to the minimum standards like the rest of your co-horts, or do you excel, and take the heat.

For me, I would like to find a happy medium, but I don't know if that is possible. If I lower my standards, I let not only myself down, but I let down the people I work with and for. If you do this in a marriage, you are letting down your spouse and your kids if you have them. Its the same thing essentially, at least in my opinion.

I think I can tie this into the beginning of the post by saying that people seem to think that their job should make them happy and satisfy them. ANd to this end, I think that causes people not to do their best, because they don't want it to feel too much like work. They want it to be fun, and get paid for it. Well, its not about having fun. It's about doing your part in this society and pulling your weight. It's about doing what you are called to do, and filling a spot.

It doesn't matter to me whether you are a long haul truck driver or a brain surgeon. You are a needed individual and your value and intrinsic worth is the same to me. Every single person in this world that performs a job is contributing in some way. Be it a high paying job or merely a volunteer position. And I have to say, that i've had all sorts of jobs, and the hardest ones where the ones where I had to face the obstacles of scorn from others who did not excel and did not want me to excel because I made them look like slackers.

In marriage, if one spouse is a real go getter, and a great team player, the other one can either really apprciate this and feel blessed by it, or they can resent the hell out of that person and try to squash them. I think what I'm saying, is that my work ethic in marriage and in careers, has kept me in constant trouble with others all along.

Granted I've had plenty of positions where I was loved and appreciated, I've also had trouble in a lot of jobs because of jealousy and intimidation. Is it my responsibility to lower my standards to get along with others? Or is it my responsiblity to tow the line, do my best and let the chips fall where they may. Just a lot of things going through my head right now.

My only question is, why is the person that insists on doing it right the one who is wrong?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Baby Got Crack

This is blurry because I had an armload of stuff, trying to take the picture while walking behind him. But you can see his bare asscrack. For the sweet love of mother hen, pull up your damn pants, and save us from making more "crack kills" posters.

Guess where this was? that's right.

A question for married people who read this, or whomever. Did the ass part of the spouse get bigger as they got older, and if so did you notice and if so did you care?

which do you prefer, the flat ass affect, or the rounded ass affect.