The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Friday, May 07, 2010

My latest match

This is an actual email exchange with a person on match.com. I was 90% sure it was phony, thus the following communication.

51 yr old male, handle is "praspector".
Hi
im dan i spent my younger life doing amazing adventerious jobs,sowing my wild oats.the price i had to pay was not haveing someone at home worrieing about me.this would not of been right of me and i did not have the time for a relationship but i do have time now for the right gal, so if you are looking for someone who will put the time and effert into createing something that has meaning and is real.wright me back and meet me halfway and ill get the white horse and dust off my knights armor[i havent done this in awile] so i may miss and not sweep you off your feet when i ride by but i will knock your socks off



Email from me:
I am glad you are a praspector because I have 2 gold crowns and and need another one. The gold stud I had in my nose fell out one day when I was blowing a snot rocket. The only praspecting I've ever done is for the money that falls in the cushions of the couch. I'm a minimalist, so far I'm down to just a pee stained stained couch and a electro static sweeper.

I home school my 5 kids and most of them are autistic and cross-eyed. They are not potty trained. They will never aspire to pee on forest fires. I should have another because funds are tight and so far Obama has not increased my welfare.

I"m looking for a romantic snuggle bunny because I hardly ever move off the couch. I want a new daddy for my kids and hoping for one that has a little cash. But I will settle for gold.

Hope to hear from your badass soon

Claudia

Dan:
i belive ya.why dont you bring the kids come to my mines in murray idaho you may keep all the gold you can find you talk the talk back it up my mines that are open to the public are called you dig it gold mines the public is wellcome and keep all the gold you find just turn left on main street in murray idaho and follow the sings to the mine or next week i will be heading to judith basin in montanna to dig gold and saphires if you like you can load the kids up and join me on that dig ill pay for the motel room for ya.i have an extra shovel lets see if you only talk the talk or can walk the walk

Me:
I'll be there, first I have to take the youngest into the clinic, he's got a lip fungus that aint been identified yet. How many shovels do I bring? Why don't you provide those.

I hope the car makes it, it has a few problems here and there but for the most part is ok. some of the kids will have to ride in the back (station wagon) i just found a cool stash of bungee cords to put our stuff on top. We got one of those fancy dvd players for the back of the seat that should keep em quiet til we get to the first mcdonalds.

when I get there you'll know it's me.

Charma

Him:
if you are just comming to look for gold i do not care who or when folks show up the public is welcome as long as thay clean up thir garbage and fill in the holes .if you want me to be there i can be .we are a little backwards here in shoshone county there is a seatbetlt law but if you have bungee cords you can let the kids ride on top of the car as long as thay are bungeed down good if thay fall off and you lose one theres a lot of other little kid running around up here you can grab one of them

i forgot to mention that i do not now nor have i ever had a sence of humor if i did i would probily tell you about my best friend who doesnt like me, kid.the kid was walking by his parents bed room and herd a bunch of whoopping and hollering so the kid opened the door his mom had on a cheerleaders outfit his dad a pair of chaps nothing else.the kid asked what the hell is going on .the dad said go to your room and he would talk to him in about 20 min.so about 30min, no maybe 40 min go by and the dad walked by the kids door and heard some whooping and hollering and opened the door the kid was doing his grandma the dad asked what the hell is going on in here ,the kid said see it is not so damn funnie when it is your mom.i was watching a tv.show about mickel jackson he had alot in common with jc,pennies [little boys pants half off],i have to go now i am teaching my one legged dog how to dig holes and then i am going to the home depot that isnt there and buy some food to eat and then to sears i bought an air conpresser so i can put air in my car tires but i can not find where you put the quarters in it at

Me:
I hope you know all this shit is getting posted on my blog because it is hilarious.

I have to say on another note, I have never seen a one legged dog. I think you should do the humane thing and get it a scooter chair. Are you just keeping it alive to attract women? I do not shop at home depot ever since the time I asked for hurricane clips and they gave me the address to the nearest hair supply place.

I have hunted garnets for hours in idaho and I have some pretty large ones. Probably bigger than your balls.

Have a good day.

Safron.

Him:
good morning
we do not have a home depot here but when i was there i ran into some kids that were home schooled thay got kicked out of school for makeing passes at the teacher.i was going to wright you a longer e-mail but right now the power is out up here and my computer doesnt work when the power is off.i have to go let my one legged dog in he keeps falling over i bought him at wallmart for half price.ill wright you more when the power is on and i can use my computer you have a good day

The end. (7 day free trial ran out).

4 comment(s):

Hee-LAR-ious! You sound like a match made in heaven. lol!

By Blogger ~Jennifer, at 7:25 PM  

peace, love and joy.. that's what I'm all about!

By Blogger The Doozie, at 1:48 AM  

I might have asked you this before but is there a difference between autism and retardation?

By Blogger Mr.Tyrone, at 4:40 PM  

My case is different for i know what Doctor Ehimen did for me this 2017. I was heart broken by my husband because i discovered that he has been cheating on me with his mistress and he filled a divorce on me December last year and i was confused on what to do. I searched for help around from spiritual helpers but all was to no avail not until i was referred to Doctor Ehimen by a co-worker who told me that he can help me out on my situation. I contacted him and explained what am passing through and he said to me that my case is different that if others are complaining about their marriages that mine will be different because i will keep on rejoicing about my marriage as far i have made contact with him. I did all what he told me to do and my husband came back to me within 12 to 16 hours and we are living in peace and harmony again. Viewers reading this article can E-mail him at ( Doctorehimenspelltemple@hotmail.com ) or call +1 (914)-517-3229 for more info.

By Blogger Valeria Diego, at 6:32 PM  

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