The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Common Relationship Complaints

Nagging:
I don't nag. I simply clonk the man over the head with a shovel and feed his body to the feral cats.

Clingy:
The only thing Clingy about me is the residual blood stuck to the bottom of my shoes.

Too Available:
I'm available when I want to be, why I want to be and how I want to be. Nothing speaks "I'm gonna kill you in your sleep" like someone who attempts to define the appropriate amount of availability I have to provide for him.

Insecure:
This translates to someone who is always wanting to know where you are and who is around you. In these cases, I have to say one thing. I'M NOWHERE WITH NO ONE AND IF YOU KEEP THIS UP YOU ARE GOING TO BE SOMEWHERE, AND THAT SOMEWHERE IS GOING TO BE SIX FEET UNDER IN OUR BACK YARD. The only thing I'm insecure about is whether or not the police will discover the body before I'm able to leave the country.

Suspicious
So what took you so long at the store? Well, what took me so long at the store was that I was comparing prices, searching for gluten free products and frisking the boxboys. Is there a problem with that? Cause if there IS, I can frisk YOU but only not with my hands.

Controlling
This is the person that is unable to define, understand or implement compromise. This person looks at you as if you just murdered their best friend when you mention the word "compromise". This is a person who doesn't even deserve a swift fate, but instead, they deserve to be taught a lessen on control. In this case, I would duct tape their arms and legs, put them in a shallow grave and slowly shovel dirt over their live body while they scream for mercy. See, in this way? They are learning they are NOT in control, I am. I inform them that if and when they agree to stop with their controlling buffoonery, I will release them from the confines of our natures clutches.

WE INTERRUPT THIS RANT TO BRING YOU A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT/DISCLAIMER:

I just noticed that each of these subjects includes talk of violence. As you know, violence solves nothing and is also against the law. Please be aware that at no time have I administered any of these treatments, nor do I advocate their use. This is simply hypothetical and suggestive of a much deeper issue. That being my need for a healthy outlet in regards to my anger. Thank you and carry on.

4 comment(s):

LMAO...too funny! We think along the same lines. Mine involve more blood and guts though.

By Blogger Vixen, at 1:45 AM  

Thanks for this, ha!

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