The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Oh looky looky

It's been a coons age since I posted on here, sometimes I forget this even exists...then I come over here and realize...hey...whoa...

warning: this post contains dangerous levels of sarcasm, read with caution.

So, in the realm of marriage, the longer I'm NOT, the more I like it. But there are some problems. I'm being pursued fervently by a man who wants to be my guy. While I can appreciate the earnestness of his courting, I can also say that It makes me want to stab him. Seriously, when you tell someone straight up that you are NOT INTERESTED in a committment/ relationship/ exclusiveboyfriend/ overnighter/ blankethog/ snoring/ underwearleaver/ unromantic/ toiletseatleaverupper/ boring/ arguer/ controlfreak/ manipulator/ spiritsquasher AT THIS TIME.

So here's how I see it, if this person continues to pursue to WIN, then this is more like a competition and I'm being objectified. It has nothing to do with what I want or need, and everything to do with the pursuer and what he wants and THINKS he needs. I figure I have a few good years left to date hotties and have fun, so why would I want to settle down into the mundane existence of jail marriage after spending the better part of my adult years in this warped zone. hows about NO

I'm sure there are benefits to settling down, such as;
washing someone elses clothing
never being able to sleep
having to cook actual food
making someones lunch
flushing the toilet
replacing the toilet paper
hiding my purchases
taking the passwords off my emails
not ever talking or looking at another man
no flirting
no going out with friends
not acting immature
watching what they want to watch
going where they want to go
having to make your kid behave

the list goes on but I think you get the picture, marriage/committed relationships are stimilating? so tempting...sooooooooooooooo.

Because seriously, who needs sleep? You can sleep when you're dead. Who needs their personal space? That is over rated and selfish. And it's not in good taste to shop or spend money, frivolity is vain. No one needs friends or much less to go out with them, and looking at other men is just icky? As for independence why would I want to be out here on my lonely only when I could have the stable security of a 300lb hunk a burnin beer belly?

There you have it

7 comment(s):

Why do you have to think that it is some kind of "challenge"? Maybe the dude just likes you.

Have you given the dude a chance to do some mushy romantic shit?

By Blogger The Lazy Iguana, at 10:49 PM  

I just know....thats all. The meaner I am, the more he likes me...the more unavailable I am, the more he wants me. it is a challenge, trust me. men like to win, and why am I telling you this? you are a man. or are you? He is trying to be romantic but I don't consider staying overnight and snoring in my ear very romantic, so that aint gonna be happnin

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:04 AM  

Snoring in your ear is not romantic?

Good thing I sleep in such a way I do not snore. At least, I have no evidence to suggest I do snore. That must mean I don't. Or if I do, nobody has told me. So it must not be an issue.

You should get the guy a big ole bag of "get lost" for Christmas. It is almost that time.

By Blogger The Lazy Iguana, at 12:23 PM  

By the way - watch the mail. You might be getting an anti-snore device. Maybe. And it might require some slight modifications. But it will work.

By Blogger The Lazy Iguana, at 3:07 PM  

well hello...i never knew this little gold mine existed.

would i be correct in saying a man would know if you were interested in him by the way you would grab his ear and drag him home. also,...nah forget it.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:57 PM  

I LOVE your blog. I can't believe I got married a 2nd time. I should have known that he was just on his best behavior until he got me. He was a GREAT man when we met and married. He then went off his meds and got custody of his 4-year old daughter and then lost his job, and then WENT NUTS being unemployed for 8 months.

I can't take it anymore!!

We've only been married for one year, lol. He has now left me and my son and plans on divorcing me. THANK GOD!!!

(p.s. I am sooooo happy that I can get a full nights sleep with NO F'ING SNORING!!!)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:52 AM  

I'm glad you get to be rid of him! And HE is the one leaving. I had to be the one to leave the second time so of course, that made it all my fault. I hope you fix your "picker" if you ever decide to get another man!!!

By Blogger The Doozie, at 11:51 AM  

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