The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Love comes walkin in

Do you know what I think? No. No you do not. That is because I am a highly skilled, professional thinker. No one knows what I'm thinking, not even Chuck Norris. Not even if he is holding a BB gun to my head.

Just recently The Doozie was sitting in a popular little night spot hunkered over her MacBook. She asked the young bartender, "where are all the hot guys tonight?". At that point, some kind of Alien reached for an opening, he simply pulled a string....and love came walking in. He sat two stools down from her. Her eyes must have gotten rather large because as she turned to the bartender he announced "ask and you shall receive".

Now you must realize The Doozie doesn't and hasn't fallen for anyone in a good long while. Let alone within two seconds of his arrival. (ok, enough 3rd person).

I had a decent buzz going on but by no means inebriation. In other words, there were no beer goggles involved. Just the pure, unadulterated dim light shining down on the visage of this stranger, this man who just dropped in out of the heavens. First of all he's short, has all his hair, and he has tats. Lots of them. Now I'm not really one for tats, but this guy? They just worked. All over the place they worked.

Next tests are teeth, and smell, but we'll get to that. Suddenly there was a shadow, as if the sun was blocked out by a huge cloud and down next to me plops this leathery older guy who reeks of smoke, cheap cologne and loserdom. I'm guessing things went sideways at the card table in Vegas and he had to split. He's got the gold rings, the cheap Hawaiian shirt and a hundred dollar bill in his hand which he plops down on the bar.

I could smell annoyance immediately. I have a good sense of smell. First of all, he is blocking my view, and second this buffoon is not going to annoy me for long before I annoy him right back. Sure enough, here it comes. "Do you want to make some money" he asks? "Doing what" I reply, which was a valid question considering I figured the next thing out of his mouth was going to bring about swift change. As in his ass being handed to him AFTER he arrived into next week.

He proceeds to start babbling about some stock I should invest in, then recommends I look it up on my computer. At that point, I shut the lid on my computer, looked at the bartender and realized everyone in the vicinity was getting a kick out of this at my expense. My names such-and-such, what's your name he asked? I can't tell you my name, I am undercover, I replied. I glanced behind guido and caught the eye of Love. There was a sparkle and a fizzing noise and I knew the freak sack next to me had to disappear.

Once again the alien reached down and simply pulled a string. Maggot man gets up and says to me "save my seat for me I'm going to have a smoke". I replied; "I don't see a long line for your seat". That got another few snickers from my fan club. I moved quickly...I leaned over the chair (I swear there was only a little cleavage at this point) and asked Love if he heard what that guy asked me. He suggested we go sit somewhere else and I don't remember what happened after that.

Well, I do remember but it's not something I'm going to be sharing HERE. Let's suffice it to say the chemistry I felt when he walked in that room was spot on. And then some. This could be the beginning of a beautiful thing which I never thought my fingers would type onto this page. Even if it's not, we had fun for awhile, and isn't that the main point? I think so. Oh wait, I just told you what I think, now I have to shine a bright light into your eyes so you will forget.

No, I will not be getting married at this time or any other in the near future. Marriage is the equivalent of a huge buzz-kill and I will continue to degrade, mock and scorn it as I watch other idiots tying the knot. Yeah, go ahead and tie the knot because the next thing you know, you've traded your buzz in for a hangover of epic proportions.

posted by Doozie at 4:28 AM