The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Female Freshness

I need to talk to the layyyyydayyyys today. Thought you were gonna get out of it didn't you??? NO

okay, so I have it on good authority from some guy friends, a few tips for the Good Wives, or those who would eventually like to become a GW. These tips are good, solid advice, to be used for the sole intent and purpose of getting what you want out of life. And no one likes a slacker wife. Or girlfriend. We need women who are willing to jump in there, and learn the skills, the tricks of the trade if you will. Learn to clean carrots for the love of Pete.

So, here is the list, and by the way this is "off the cuff" I'm just thinking it up as I go along, I'm sort of in a hurry to get this posted, and get to my tanning appt.


  • NO lycra when you are overweight, none, nothing, NO, do not wear lycra. not even at home.
  • Shave your pits everyday, with a minimum of every-other-day
  • Shave your legs at least once a week
  • Smell your pits throughout the day, to check and make sure you are fresh
  • Listen to "mood" music all day, so that you will be in the "mood' when GH gets home
  • Inspect your facial skin daily for signs of unwanted hair. Unwanted hair is defined as anything that is manly in appearance.
  • I"m going out on a limb here ladies, please don't beat me up, but hairy arms are not very attractive. I'm serious. If you have overly hairy arms, shave them. I do. It's not that tough. Just do it please.
  • If your legs are white, and obese, please do not put a tattoo on them. It does not make you look like a naughty little minx, it makes you look like you have a big bruise.
  • If you do not have a tight tummy, do not wear belly shirts. In case you did not know, there is a slang term around the male community about this, and it's called a "pus-gut". And men don't like it. Especially if that gut has stretch marks on it. Yes, I know it's virtually impossible to bear their children without those marks left behind, but that's OK. It's just not ok to make the rest of the world look.
  • Surprise your GH now and then with some spontaneous, naughty behaviors, men like that. Dress up like a librarian, complete with the bun, glasses and skirt, but have on a thong underneath.
  • They like it when women are noisy during the "act". I've heard that a lot. Just do it. its not going to kill you.
  • Stay up on the styles, but not the teenager styles. Be reasonable, don't over do it one direction or the other.
  • If you do happen to wear those hipster jeans, don't yank them up under your pits, tuck in your shirt and belt them so tight their cranked up your crack so hard its like your split down the middle. They are called "HIPSTERS" because they reside on your hips. If you have no hips, and are curvy, just avoid them. K?
  • Don't wear ugly old lady shoes. There's nothing worse in the world than ugly old lady shoes. If those shoes say the word SAS on them, throw them away.
  • Wear pretty sandals in the summer, and paint your toenails. Remove the crust and dirt from your heels. And if you have ugly toes, just lop them off and have fake ones implanted.
    for some reason, men like feet most of the time.
  • Don't pretend to like sports when you don't. Just go do something else, because you pretending to be all up on the terms and stuff is really stupid sounding.
  • Grab your husband's personal region now and then just out of the blue, they love that.
  • Don't get in front of the TV to get attention, just wait until he's done watching. If that happens to be at an inconvenient time, create some sort of distraction to get his eyes away, so that he does not associate his being torn away from the TV to your doing. I recommend several things.
    Smoke detectors going off,
    fake phone calls where the person is leaving a message about free universal remote controls,
    loud noises outside, like M80's, when he comes out to see, show him how you obtained them illegally for him off the Res, and he'll get all happy with you,
    pretend that you dropped your contact, and bend over on the floor searching, make sure your thong is hanging out the back of your hipsters while you look. If he is not noticing, say something like "oh dang it, where is that 20 bux".

  • Ok, nuff for today

    any other suggestions?

  • Wednesday, June 28, 2006

    Control Vs. Shaping

    HelloHello58 brought something up that sparked my interest in a discussion here.
    I believe a lot of marital difficulties come when one spouse or the other feels one is trying to "control" them. In the case of a Good Wife (GW), or a Good Husband (GH), this is not it at all. People! this is not appropriate to try and control one another. We are not dogs, we are not kids, we are not robots. We are humans, and we have free will, and free choice, and free popcorn at the hardware store.

    I prefer to call it "shaping". In fact, that is what any GW knows. And there is something inherent in our nature, that draws us to that "shaggy dog" and wants to nurture him, clean him up, and make him into a showdog. Am I right? Oh yes I am.

    I'm sure there are some women who just start at the top, but they are lazy. Because no good things can come from someone that is already set in his/her ways. Now, this may seem bias, but get over it. I'm going to refer to the woman, finding the man.

    Here are some irresistible characteristics that draw certain women to those shaggy dogs, some women are even turned on by some of these things, at first, but later find them to be completely inappropriate:

    Driving a truck missing the drivers door
    Possession of a beard in which his next snack can be found
    Long, yellow, fungally infected toenails
    dirty fingernails
    Yellow teeth
    Brown stains in his toilet
    Skid marks in his underwear
    Nothing but frozen dinners and beer in the fridge
    Non ownership of a vacuum
    non ownership of a waterpik
    Listerine users
    Wrinkly clothing
    owning nothing but white socks
    owning only one belt
    having nothing but 2 pairs of shoes
    wardrobe, that's a post all its own
    sad,puppy dog eyes (they've perfected this one)
    Poor cologne selection
    Non ability to balance a checkbook, or even understand what one is for
    Pictures hung to high on the wall
    Idea of decoration is a few cactus, and some incense burners
    No idea what a candlelit dinner is other than a possible excuse to put out a fire
    Red fire extinguisher adorning the wall above the stove
    Bathrooms that look as if 2,000 wildfire fighters just took showers there
    Dogs that snuggle with dirty underpants
    Hairy backs
    Hair parted in the middle
    Wearing hats they have owned for 20 years and never washed
    Whip antenna's on their truck
    Not even driving a truck, but driving some type of car such as a ford Taurus
    Worst of all driving a ford or a dodge....BOWTIES RULE (had to get that out there)
    Not knowing there are other medications available aside from Aspirin
    owning the corner market on universal remote controls

    that's a long list
    but after we look at this, can you get any ideas how we may "shape" these things and turn them around for good? And I think everyone here can agree that these things do need to be rectified, and without a GW, they will remain as is, thus the man will never stand a chance in hell of becoming a GH because no potential GW will ever want him. And isn't every straight man's goal to catch himself a GW? Well, there you go. We're here to help, shape and direct. NOT CONTROL. It's for your own good!

    Tuesday, June 27, 2006

    Short Commercial Break

    I'm feeling like taking a break. I think the good husbands may get overwhelmed with all of the information over the last few days, and need some time to mull it over. Men mull things over a lot different than women do. First of all it takes them all of 2 seconds. Secondly it usually happens on the crapper. So if you want your man to make a big decision, hand him a "car and driver" magazine and send him into the squat room. When he comes out, see what he came up with. But FIRST address the following:

    1. Did you use a baby wipe?
    2. Did you keep using them until they came up clean?
    3. Did you wash your hands?
    4. Did you use soap?
    5. Let me smell your hands
    6. If I see a skid mark in your underwear, I'm filing for divorce!

    got sidetracked.

    Here are some questions that you should not ask your husband:
    1. Honey, does my ass look fat in these pants
    2. What do you talk about with your friends?
    3. Where is the remote?
    4. Where is the checkbook?
    5. Why are you never in the mood, when I'm in the mood?
    6. Could you please move your butt, I can't see the TV
    7. Are you LISTENING TO ME?
    8. Where is the laundry soap I asked you to get
    9. Why does your truck always smell like farts
    10. Why do you have to make noise when you sleep
    11. Where are your keys?
    12. Why is there a sign on your car that says, "sorry girls, I'm gay!"
    13. Does your mother still fold your underwear when you visit there?
    14. Did you pull that shirt out from under the mattress?
    15. Are you really going to wear that?
    16. Do you seriously think white socks look good with black shoes?
    17. When is my birthday?, ok fine, when is the superbowl?
    18. If I got fat, would you still love me?
    19. Do you ever look at cute, skinny women?
    20. Would you rather have a bottle in front of you or a frontal lobotomy?

    that's enough for now. But I'm having fun with this, too much fun it should be illegal. Help me out ladies and guys!!! Give me some more questions one should never ask one's spouse, ok GO

    Sunday, June 25, 2006

    Good Husbands Guide: Part 2

    Quality Control
    I am addressing the area of chores, as it was brought to my attention by one of our bloggers, there may be a little issue needing dealt with here. In doing chores, how well one does those chores can account for a variety of troubles within the marriage. Some people are very fussy, and living with fussy people can be trying, but also necessary. You see, without "fussy" people, this world would ultimately look like a garbage dump.

    And where does the cleanliness start? Why in the home of course. And when we fuss over our home, it shows our care for the environment in general. That's how I see it. And I'm sure if you give it some thought, you will see it that was also. Now, on the whole, women tend to be a tad more fussy then men. That's not to say there are no fussy men, but if there are, they are referred to as 'anal". What is "anal" you ask? Well, it is derived from the psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freuds Anal Retentive stage. A baby who is going through the stage of learning to poop may have a crisis at this stage, and get hung up on things to do with the anal area, Thus, as adults they are "anal retentive" in nature and tend to like things orderly to the point of annoying those around them.

    What I just said about Sigmund Freuds theory makes no sense to me, I was merely repeating what I know about this subject. I personally think Freud was a blithering idiot, but that's beside the point and neither here nor there. Let's continue with our lesson for today. We are addressing the issues involving chores and one spouse who is tidy, and one who is not.
    Of course those couples who are both tidy can just skip this post, and go tidy something up.

    For the sake of keeping things simple, lets talk about our Good Husband. I would like to make some points about how a Good Husband does his chores. Not only does he do more than his share, but when he does a chore, he does it to the best of his ability. And if he is a Good Husband, his "ability" is far above and beyond that of a normal human male. Good Husbands are born and bred to be competent. You will know one if you have one.

    Dishes: Let's pretend there is not a dishwasher in the home. The husband will volunteer for dish duty, to make sure his delicate wife has time to prepare herself for his much wanted advances, later on in the evening. He will fill the sink with clean water, add soap and make sure to rinse each item before he puts it in the dishwater. No one likes chunky dishwater. That is just creepy.

    Next, he will make sure to get the entire item clean, checking and rechecking during the rinsing process. He will also make sure the item is rinsed very well with hot water. He would never want to take a chance on leaving soap residue on a dish, which could result in digestional issues within the home, including but not limited to his lovely bride, who when she has the diarrhea, will not welcome his advances.

    He will need to pay extra close attention to the type of scrubbers needed for each item.
    Soft scrubbers are to be used on the following:
    Nice plastic drinking cups
    Starbucks plastic water bottles
    Shiney pots and pans
    Teflon surfaces
    Plastic dishes
    Cookies sheets (this is a biggy)
    Iron skillets that have taken years and years to season should never be scrubbed, and if a husband is caught scrubbing such an item, an injury may result to his person.

    Abrasive scrubbies can be used on certain glassware such as
    casserole dishes, and
    BBQ utensils
    avoid abrasive scrubbers on surfaces such as stovetops, microwaves etc.

    If there is a question as to which surface requires which type of scrubby, please consult the Queen. Failure to do so, with a husband using his own decision making on an expensive kitchen item, that results in that item being damaged even slightly can be cause for withholding of certain favors until that item is replaced or restored to it's original condition before it was manhandled.

    If the wife approaches the dish drainer, and finds that an item was not properly cleaned, it is her right to ask the Good Husband to redo the entire rack of dishes. Because one would have to assume that if he was sloppy where one item is concerned he was most likely sloppy throughout the entire process. And no good husband wants to look like a complete slop. Therefore, he will kindly step away from the remote, and go do the dishes up properly.

    That is enough for now, I will let you digest this fascinating information. I assure you, it does not cause diarrhea.

    Saturday, June 24, 2006

    The Good Husbands Guide: Part One

    I'm writing this in response to a Good Wives Guide that was published in 1955, some of us have recently had a good laugh over it. You can find it over here, in it's original debut to our little blogger circle.

    This guide applies to husbands of both sahm's and working women

    Let’s begin with an evening, which includes preparation for the next day. This is defined as a husband entering into a sincere effort to be sensitive to the needs of his lovely wife, at times referred to as “The Queen”.

    Before bedtime, the husband is to select his next days attire, iron if needed, and place these items in the bathroom. This prevents noisy morning exploits through dresser drawers and closets, or the temptation to ask a peacefully slumbering wife where an item of his clothing is located. That could evoke extreme ire within the slumbering wife, which could later reflect on her treatment of the husband.

    The husband shall choose an alarm setting that is very subtle, and be prepared to shut it off as soon as the sound emanates from the device. This is very possible based on the following biological evidence throughout the history of mankind.

    A REAL man is a protector, and is always alert for the possible threat of danger to his home and family. A good and faithful husband should always operate on hyper-alert, and be prepared to spring into action should a threat present itself. Studies show that most threats present themselves during the sleeping hours, thus a man should be prepared ahead of time with a weapon of some sort nearby, and proper training in the ability to wake upon the slightest noise.

    If a husband finds himself to be lacking in the area of stealth, or alertness, this training can be obtained through various sources, one being the military. Military men are highly trained and skilled in detecting the slightest danger. Should the husband not have military training, it is his responsibility to hone his natural born instincts through military type training, however he can accomplish this.

    With this capability, a husband will be so sensitive to noises, that even the “click” of the alarm turning on to wake up mode will rouse him from sleep. He will immediately pounce on the alarm device, and shut it completely off. A good husband never hits the snooze. Snoozing is is never good husband behavior.

    These sorts of qualities in a man, will be perceived to be protective in nature to his Queen and when exhibited, will result in possible spontaneous shows of affection most notably directed toward his more sensitive regions.

    A husband should allow enough time to shower, dress, shave, floss, brush and gargle with a pleasant mouthwash, preferably not listerine, all before his wife is to wake up. Next the husband should delicately approach the side of the bed that contains his Queen. He should gently sit next to her, bending near and softly kissing her awake. If she choses to remain asleep a little longer, the husband must go ahead and leave the room to tend to other chores.

    The husband has long been known for his hunter/gatherer nature, and as such he will need to plan, shop, and prepare a delicious and healthy breakfast each and every morning for his family. He should proceed to the kitchen and prepare this meal with minimum noise, or more simply defined; no cupboard slamming, drawer slamming, fridge opening or closing noises, or pots and pan rattling. Keep water usage to a minimum is this creates noise in the pipes. In fact, if on the off chance the master suite is located on the other side of the wall from the kitchen, a husband should have that interior wall insulated to minimize noise which some Queens find annoying.

    While breakfast is in process, the husband should then awaken the children if there are any, and then prepare the Queens beverage of choice. If the Queen likes coffee, the beans are to be ground fresh and prepared as the wife has directed, because these modern days have brought about numerous ways of preparing a simple cup of coffee. Should the wife prefer tea, the husband must always have on hand, the freshest organic blends of tea available, even if he needs to order these from outside the country.

    No proper husband would ever compromise the health of his Queen by serving her sub-par tea leaves such as lipton, or other adulterated brands. Of course obtaining the best of tea and coffee will require the husband to become internet savvy, which leads me to our next subject.

    Ordering from the internet:
    Orders must be pre-approved by The Queen, as it is understood men are not capable of making “substitutions” should that need arise. The Queen understands that her favorite brands are not always available, or in-season, as queens are very apt to be reasonable about such things. Therefore, if the first choice is not available and a second choice is needed, the husband must consult the queen.

    On shopping at stores:
    If the Queen makes a specific request, let it be known that at NO time should a husband make an unauthorized substitution if the specific item is not in stock, or not available at that store. Making substitutions based on his own judgment will result in tremendous damage to his marriage, or worse yet to his person.

    This is due to the fact that a smart Queen understands her mans limitations. In most cases, men are incapable of doing what they are told if the instructions are not very clearly outlined. If a husband is left with too much wiggle room regarding choices, financial decisions etc., disaster will result, so it is best if all parties recognize and work within the parameters of the male brain.

    Division of Power within the home:
    As many couples are keenly aware, there have been some mis-perceptions in times past in regards to “roles” of a husband and a wife when it comes to chores both inside and outside the home.
    Historically, husbands were the breadwinners, and wifes were the homemakers. Due to things beyond the average families control, this is no longer a feasible option for running a household.

    Since the beginning of time, the wife has obviously been the child bearer and child nurturer. Since sometime in the 1950’s, it became necessary for families to have dual incomes. Therefore we have need for change in the area of chore distribution. Some couples have recognized this need and made these changes, while some couples have not. More specifically the male party of the couple has chosen not to recognize the need for change. That is why I have written this guide, in order to help this male person become enlightened, and make the necessary changes to his daily activities in order to be allowed to continue living within the home, and not in the streets, or at the local mens shelter.

    The Division of Duties:
    In all fairness and in respect to democracy, I believe it necessary for each couple, on becoming a couple, to sit down with pen and paper in hand, and decide which issues around the home are a priority for them as individuals. Once this is done they must decide who will do what chores. If there is a certain area that both care about, but neither one is willing to take part in, a vote must be taken. In these cases, I would suggest bringing in a 3rd party to cast that deciding vote.

    Because attorneys do not generally offer these sorts of services, I think the next best thing would be another woman. Women tend to be more democratic by nature, and more reasonable when it comes to dividing up chores and delegating. Therefore, if a stale mate occurs the couple needs to contact the closest female that can be trusted to cast a vote, and call her over.
    In all fairness and since I am a reasonable woman, I would recommend not asking the mother of either spouse. This could cause deep seated resentments for years to come.

    Once the vote is in, the person elected to complete that chore will do so without further complaint, or whining on their part. Any whining on their part will result in loss of priveleges, namely the possession of the remote control for an agreed upon time.

    The reason I have left leneincey in the area of division of labor, is due to reasons unknown, it has recently been brought to my attention that a growing number of women enjoy outdoor duties such as lawn mowing. Traditionally this has been the male job, but in cases where a riding lawn mower is not available, the men have sometimes shirked this duty, which turns out is ok in many situations. Thus, it is necessary to be flexible about the duties in and out of doors within a household.