The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Good Husbands Guide: Part 2

Quality Control
I am addressing the area of chores, as it was brought to my attention by one of our bloggers, there may be a little issue needing dealt with here. In doing chores, how well one does those chores can account for a variety of troubles within the marriage. Some people are very fussy, and living with fussy people can be trying, but also necessary. You see, without "fussy" people, this world would ultimately look like a garbage dump.

And where does the cleanliness start? Why in the home of course. And when we fuss over our home, it shows our care for the environment in general. That's how I see it. And I'm sure if you give it some thought, you will see it that was also. Now, on the whole, women tend to be a tad more fussy then men. That's not to say there are no fussy men, but if there are, they are referred to as 'anal". What is "anal" you ask? Well, it is derived from the psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freuds Anal Retentive stage. A baby who is going through the stage of learning to poop may have a crisis at this stage, and get hung up on things to do with the anal area, Thus, as adults they are "anal retentive" in nature and tend to like things orderly to the point of annoying those around them.

What I just said about Sigmund Freuds theory makes no sense to me, I was merely repeating what I know about this subject. I personally think Freud was a blithering idiot, but that's beside the point and neither here nor there. Let's continue with our lesson for today. We are addressing the issues involving chores and one spouse who is tidy, and one who is not.
Of course those couples who are both tidy can just skip this post, and go tidy something up.

For the sake of keeping things simple, lets talk about our Good Husband. I would like to make some points about how a Good Husband does his chores. Not only does he do more than his share, but when he does a chore, he does it to the best of his ability. And if he is a Good Husband, his "ability" is far above and beyond that of a normal human male. Good Husbands are born and bred to be competent. You will know one if you have one.

Dishes: Let's pretend there is not a dishwasher in the home. The husband will volunteer for dish duty, to make sure his delicate wife has time to prepare herself for his much wanted advances, later on in the evening. He will fill the sink with clean water, add soap and make sure to rinse each item before he puts it in the dishwater. No one likes chunky dishwater. That is just creepy.

Next, he will make sure to get the entire item clean, checking and rechecking during the rinsing process. He will also make sure the item is rinsed very well with hot water. He would never want to take a chance on leaving soap residue on a dish, which could result in digestional issues within the home, including but not limited to his lovely bride, who when she has the diarrhea, will not welcome his advances.

He will need to pay extra close attention to the type of scrubbers needed for each item.
Soft scrubbers are to be used on the following:
Flatware
Nice plastic drinking cups
Starbucks plastic water bottles
Shiney pots and pans
Teflon surfaces
Plastic dishes
Cookies sheets (this is a biggy)
Iron skillets that have taken years and years to season should never be scrubbed, and if a husband is caught scrubbing such an item, an injury may result to his person.

Abrasive scrubbies can be used on certain glassware such as
casserole dishes, and
BBQ utensils
avoid abrasive scrubbers on surfaces such as stovetops, microwaves etc.

If there is a question as to which surface requires which type of scrubby, please consult the Queen. Failure to do so, with a husband using his own decision making on an expensive kitchen item, that results in that item being damaged even slightly can be cause for withholding of certain favors until that item is replaced or restored to it's original condition before it was manhandled.

If the wife approaches the dish drainer, and finds that an item was not properly cleaned, it is her right to ask the Good Husband to redo the entire rack of dishes. Because one would have to assume that if he was sloppy where one item is concerned he was most likely sloppy throughout the entire process. And no good husband wants to look like a complete slop. Therefore, he will kindly step away from the remote, and go do the dishes up properly.

That is enough for now, I will let you digest this fascinating information. I assure you, it does not cause diarrhea.

posted by Anonymous at 11:22 PM