The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Good Husbands Guide: Part 2

Quality Control
I am addressing the area of chores, as it was brought to my attention by one of our bloggers, there may be a little issue needing dealt with here. In doing chores, how well one does those chores can account for a variety of troubles within the marriage. Some people are very fussy, and living with fussy people can be trying, but also necessary. You see, without "fussy" people, this world would ultimately look like a garbage dump.

And where does the cleanliness start? Why in the home of course. And when we fuss over our home, it shows our care for the environment in general. That's how I see it. And I'm sure if you give it some thought, you will see it that was also. Now, on the whole, women tend to be a tad more fussy then men. That's not to say there are no fussy men, but if there are, they are referred to as 'anal". What is "anal" you ask? Well, it is derived from the psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freuds Anal Retentive stage. A baby who is going through the stage of learning to poop may have a crisis at this stage, and get hung up on things to do with the anal area, Thus, as adults they are "anal retentive" in nature and tend to like things orderly to the point of annoying those around them.

What I just said about Sigmund Freuds theory makes no sense to me, I was merely repeating what I know about this subject. I personally think Freud was a blithering idiot, but that's beside the point and neither here nor there. Let's continue with our lesson for today. We are addressing the issues involving chores and one spouse who is tidy, and one who is not.
Of course those couples who are both tidy can just skip this post, and go tidy something up.

For the sake of keeping things simple, lets talk about our Good Husband. I would like to make some points about how a Good Husband does his chores. Not only does he do more than his share, but when he does a chore, he does it to the best of his ability. And if he is a Good Husband, his "ability" is far above and beyond that of a normal human male. Good Husbands are born and bred to be competent. You will know one if you have one.

Dishes: Let's pretend there is not a dishwasher in the home. The husband will volunteer for dish duty, to make sure his delicate wife has time to prepare herself for his much wanted advances, later on in the evening. He will fill the sink with clean water, add soap and make sure to rinse each item before he puts it in the dishwater. No one likes chunky dishwater. That is just creepy.

Next, he will make sure to get the entire item clean, checking and rechecking during the rinsing process. He will also make sure the item is rinsed very well with hot water. He would never want to take a chance on leaving soap residue on a dish, which could result in digestional issues within the home, including but not limited to his lovely bride, who when she has the diarrhea, will not welcome his advances.

He will need to pay extra close attention to the type of scrubbers needed for each item.
Soft scrubbers are to be used on the following:
Flatware
Nice plastic drinking cups
Starbucks plastic water bottles
Shiney pots and pans
Teflon surfaces
Plastic dishes
Cookies sheets (this is a biggy)
Iron skillets that have taken years and years to season should never be scrubbed, and if a husband is caught scrubbing such an item, an injury may result to his person.

Abrasive scrubbies can be used on certain glassware such as
casserole dishes, and
BBQ utensils
avoid abrasive scrubbers on surfaces such as stovetops, microwaves etc.

If there is a question as to which surface requires which type of scrubby, please consult the Queen. Failure to do so, with a husband using his own decision making on an expensive kitchen item, that results in that item being damaged even slightly can be cause for withholding of certain favors until that item is replaced or restored to it's original condition before it was manhandled.

If the wife approaches the dish drainer, and finds that an item was not properly cleaned, it is her right to ask the Good Husband to redo the entire rack of dishes. Because one would have to assume that if he was sloppy where one item is concerned he was most likely sloppy throughout the entire process. And no good husband wants to look like a complete slop. Therefore, he will kindly step away from the remote, and go do the dishes up properly.

That is enough for now, I will let you digest this fascinating information. I assure you, it does not cause diarrhea.

12 comment(s):

OK, I love this blog. You're in my links now.

Being as I'm a little bitter right now (and trying not to pass summary judgement on all the males of the species) I have to say that you make excellent points.

But the saying "Men are like parking spaces: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped" keeps popping into my head.

By Blogger Saur♥Kraut, at 7:26 AM  

now, this saying you have here. i think i like it. is there a saying for women?

hmmm
something like
women are like swimming pools, either they are shallow or they are deep. well, thats kind of lame, but you get my point?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:16 AM  

Well you silly girl.
If I had to follow all those instructions to the "T" I would be considered ANAL with a capital A.
Too much crime fighting to be done to be so silly about cleaning a few dishes.

Batman out.

ps. Please address the issue wherein one spouse is anal and the other is non-analgesic about such chores.
Wouldn't it be better just to go watch a litte TV and save the fight about the big pile of dishes on the weekend when the Man would most likely be gone hunting or drinking with the boys anyway?

By Blogger uncle joe, at 2:59 PM  

pss. I realized you addressed the issue mentioned above somewhat, but should we expect more info regarding this issue in a later installment?
For instance should our Queen be having a bubble bath lovingly run by her husband before HE does the dishes so she can be nice and rested?
I am waiting with Batman breath......

By Blogger uncle joe, at 3:03 PM  

A hint to the offending husband:

If you are caught scrubbing the seasoned skillet, be sure to hold tight to it when you are discovered.

This may help keep the severity of the resulting injuries down at least a bit.

By Blogger JTullGuy, at 3:30 PM  

UJ: i hope the batman breath is fresh? well, you have a good point here, should the husband be running a bubble bath. if the home is old, NO if the home is newer than the 70's, YES> reason being the plumbing and the size of the pipes. if the pipes are old, when the husband is washing the dishes, he will scald the wife in the tub, otherwise if the plumbing is newer, go for it. run the bath, i'm assuming you realize the wife has cooked the dinner? and your only being asked to clean the dishes? because in this case, you need to have the bath ready directly after dinner so she can soak while you do the dishes to a "T" as you say. doing things to a "T" is not a bad thing. it is a good thing, it shows strength of character and willingness to go the extra mile.

hell58, you are so right. if you loosen your grasp even a little, that skillet could be used up against your skull, resulting in even more brain damage than you already have. we dont need that.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:07 PM  

"Not only does he do more than his share" - and this is why I am thinking about marrying a foreign women. American women EXPECT SO DANG MUCH. There I said it. I hear girls on the radio all the time, they want us to have good jobs and to plan fun dates, and spend money on them and all we want is to have someone that allows us to be ourselves and to be good mothers who can actually cook a decent meal. The last 3 girls I dated didn't know how to even clean a carrot.

By Blogger Eddo, at 10:07 AM  

oh eddo, i hope you don't go for a mail order bride, they can seem so sweet, but really they just want your money, and a visa into the country. be very, very careful. sorry those awful women could not clean your carrot. if you would like me to, i can write you a sort of get-to-know-you/pre-qualification interview, which you could require each potential date to fill out. it might help to weed out the dumb ones, and you would not have to waste your time or money on them

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:07 PM  

American men and women expect too much out of others and not enough out of themselves. (NOT pointing fingers) I took that advice when I was single. Worked on my finances, personal walk with God, self-respect, job, etc...and out of the blue came Mr. Coffee. We were married in less than 5 months.

In other words: Be Mrs. Right don't try to find Mr Right. (and visa versa)THEY come to you.

Thus sayeth the old, happily married broad.

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 8:21 PM  

emma sometimes, i think you might need to start a blog about happily married old broads, cause you seem to have a lot of good stuff. what do you think?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:58 PM  

That's my hot air you are mistaking for good stuff. Hang in there, I only blast in spurts.

The Good Couples Guide?

RULE #1 Install a bidet in your bathroom to prevent all skiddage. Make this a pre-marital event to ensure that neither party takes issue over aforementioned skiddage.

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 12:43 PM  

husbands do chores? Where, I want one of those........

By Blogger Nea, at 10:58 PM  

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