I need to talk to the layyyyydayyyys today. Thought you were gonna get out of it didn't you??? NO
okay, so I have it on good authority from some guy friends, a few tips for the Good Wives, or those who would eventually like to become a GW. These tips are good, solid advice, to be used for the sole intent and purpose of getting what you want out of life. And no one likes a slacker wife. Or girlfriend. We need women who are willing to jump in there, and learn the skills, the tricks of the trade if you will. Learn to clean carrots for the love of Pete.
So, here is the list, and by the way this is "off the cuff" I'm just thinking it up as I go along, I'm sort of in a hurry to get this posted, and get to my tanning appt.
TABOO"SNO lycra when you are overweight, none, nothing, NO, do not wear lycra. not even at home.
Shave your pits everyday, with a minimum of every-other-day
Shave your legs at least once a week
Smell your pits throughout the day, to check and make sure you are fresh
Listen to "mood" music all day, so that you will be in the "mood' when GH gets home
Inspect your facial skin daily for signs of unwanted hair. Unwanted hair is defined as anything that is manly in appearance.
I"m going out on a limb here ladies, please don't beat me up, but hairy arms are not very attractive. I'm serious. If you have overly hairy arms, shave them. I do. It's not that tough. Just do it please.
If your legs are white, and obese, please do not put a tattoo on them. It does not make you look like a naughty little minx, it makes you look like you have a big bruise.
If you do not have a tight tummy, do not wear belly shirts. In case you did not know, there is a slang term around the male community about this, and it's called a "pus-gut". And men don't like it. Especially if that gut has stretch marks on it. Yes, I know it's virtually impossible to bear their children without those marks left behind, but that's OK. It's just not ok to make the rest of the world look.
Surprise your GH now and then with some spontaneous, naughty behaviors, men like that. Dress up like a librarian, complete with the bun, glasses and skirt, but have on a thong underneath.
They like it when women are noisy during the "act". I've heard that a lot. Just do it. its not going to kill you.
Stay up on the styles, but not the teenager styles. Be reasonable, don't over do it one direction or the other.
If you do happen to wear those hipster jeans, don't yank them up under your pits, tuck in your shirt and belt them so tight their cranked up your crack so hard its like your split down the middle. They are called "HIPSTERS" because they reside on your hips. If you have no hips, and are curvy, just avoid them. K?
Don't wear ugly old lady shoes. There's nothing worse in the world than ugly old lady shoes. If those shoes say the word SAS on them, throw them away.
Wear pretty sandals in the summer, and paint your toenails. Remove the crust and dirt from your heels. And if you have ugly toes, just lop them off and have fake ones implanted.
for some reason, men like feet most of the time.
Don't pretend to like sports when you don't. Just go do something else, because you pretending to be all up on the terms and stuff is really stupid sounding.
Grab your husband's personal region now and then just out of the blue, they love that.
Don't get in front of the TV to get attention, just wait until he's done watching. If that happens to be at an inconvenient time, create some sort of distraction to get his eyes away, so that he does not associate his being torn away from the TV to your doing. I recommend several things.
Smoke detectors going off,
fake phone calls where the person is leaving a message about free universal remote controls,
loud noises outside, like M80's, when he comes out to see, show him how you obtained them illegally for him off the Res, and he'll get all happy with you,
pretend that you dropped your contact, and bend over on the floor searching, make sure your thong is hanging out the back of your hipsters while you look. If he is not noticing, say something like "oh dang it, where is that 20 bux".
Ok, nuff for today
any other suggestions?