The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Female Freshness

I need to talk to the layyyyydayyyys today. Thought you were gonna get out of it didn't you??? NO

okay, so I have it on good authority from some guy friends, a few tips for the Good Wives, or those who would eventually like to become a GW. These tips are good, solid advice, to be used for the sole intent and purpose of getting what you want out of life. And no one likes a slacker wife. Or girlfriend. We need women who are willing to jump in there, and learn the skills, the tricks of the trade if you will. Learn to clean carrots for the love of Pete.

So, here is the list, and by the way this is "off the cuff" I'm just thinking it up as I go along, I'm sort of in a hurry to get this posted, and get to my tanning appt.


  • NO lycra when you are overweight, none, nothing, NO, do not wear lycra. not even at home.
  • Shave your pits everyday, with a minimum of every-other-day
  • Shave your legs at least once a week
  • Smell your pits throughout the day, to check and make sure you are fresh
  • Listen to "mood" music all day, so that you will be in the "mood' when GH gets home
  • Inspect your facial skin daily for signs of unwanted hair. Unwanted hair is defined as anything that is manly in appearance.
  • I"m going out on a limb here ladies, please don't beat me up, but hairy arms are not very attractive. I'm serious. If you have overly hairy arms, shave them. I do. It's not that tough. Just do it please.
  • If your legs are white, and obese, please do not put a tattoo on them. It does not make you look like a naughty little minx, it makes you look like you have a big bruise.
  • If you do not have a tight tummy, do not wear belly shirts. In case you did not know, there is a slang term around the male community about this, and it's called a "pus-gut". And men don't like it. Especially if that gut has stretch marks on it. Yes, I know it's virtually impossible to bear their children without those marks left behind, but that's OK. It's just not ok to make the rest of the world look.
  • Surprise your GH now and then with some spontaneous, naughty behaviors, men like that. Dress up like a librarian, complete with the bun, glasses and skirt, but have on a thong underneath.
  • They like it when women are noisy during the "act". I've heard that a lot. Just do it. its not going to kill you.
  • Stay up on the styles, but not the teenager styles. Be reasonable, don't over do it one direction or the other.
  • If you do happen to wear those hipster jeans, don't yank them up under your pits, tuck in your shirt and belt them so tight their cranked up your crack so hard its like your split down the middle. They are called "HIPSTERS" because they reside on your hips. If you have no hips, and are curvy, just avoid them. K?
  • Don't wear ugly old lady shoes. There's nothing worse in the world than ugly old lady shoes. If those shoes say the word SAS on them, throw them away.
  • Wear pretty sandals in the summer, and paint your toenails. Remove the crust and dirt from your heels. And if you have ugly toes, just lop them off and have fake ones implanted.
    for some reason, men like feet most of the time.
  • Don't pretend to like sports when you don't. Just go do something else, because you pretending to be all up on the terms and stuff is really stupid sounding.
  • Grab your husband's personal region now and then just out of the blue, they love that.
  • Don't get in front of the TV to get attention, just wait until he's done watching. If that happens to be at an inconvenient time, create some sort of distraction to get his eyes away, so that he does not associate his being torn away from the TV to your doing. I recommend several things.
    Smoke detectors going off,
    fake phone calls where the person is leaving a message about free universal remote controls,
    loud noises outside, like M80's, when he comes out to see, show him how you obtained them illegally for him off the Res, and he'll get all happy with you,
    pretend that you dropped your contact, and bend over on the floor searching, make sure your thong is hanging out the back of your hipsters while you look. If he is not noticing, say something like "oh dang it, where is that 20 bux".

  • Ok, nuff for today

    any other suggestions?

  • 18 comment(s):

    ~QZ~ I am very interested in adding to this topic. I certainly agree with the grabbing of said husbands junk, but dear do we have to refer to it in such a unendearing way! There is a reason they are called the family jewels! I personally like the sneak attack when my GH is bent over working on something! So much more satisfying that way!

    By Blogger MsHello58, at 3:10 PM  


    Some very good suggestions.

    I am not too fond of the term junk, although junk drawers certainly does take on a different connotation. Now, is cleaning carrots a related subject? And if so, does that apply to anyone but Pete?

    I think some culinary suggestions are in order, but I am sure these will be in a future edition.

    Your tips for creating distractions are really important. I mean, we are really not done watching TV until there is nothing on ESPN. Andt here is always something on ESPN (and ESPN2 and ESPN Classics and...well, you get the idea).

    By Blogger JTullGuy, at 3:13 PM  

    One thing to add to Ms Hello:

    The use of power tools by the GH and grabbing of junk by the GW should be considered to be mutually exclusive activities.

    By Blogger JTullGuy, at 3:15 PM  

    we have some complaints about my reference to the male anatomy. I do apologize, as it was really not in keeping with my usual confident writing style. I will fix this straight away.

    mr 58, you will find the carrot reference coming from eddo's comment about the last 3 women he dated, not even being able to clean a carrot. he would prefer them to know how to cook.

    i sure hope that the 58's do be careful with the sneak attacks.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:48 PM  

    You're right about noise during "The Act". If you need tips on that, see "When Harry Met Sally: Restaurant Scene". And how about shaving everywhere? Much appreciated by men under any and all circumstances, and no hairs poking through that swimsuit...

    By Blogger Saur♥Kraut, at 4:36 AM  

    Do your arms have that bristly feeling when the hair is growing back? Also, does it grow back black?

    By Blogger JBlue, at 5:49 AM  

    Looks good to me. I'm have the review board (my three girls) take a look at it. I'm sure the teenage know-it-alls would have a few suggestions.

    By Blogger Fred, at 6:39 AM  

    I must advise women not to grab their man's personal regions when he is bent over. He may be jumpy and bump his head on something or flinch and injure himself or you. I have seen it happen ladies and it was not pretty. This happens mainly in men with Ninja reflexes or superior senses.

    Yea I wish shaving once a week would get it for my legs. I know my hubby has voiced disliked of getting spiked in bed. haha

    Mood music during the day would wear me out, pining away for my man......sorry, only before bed after a nice long shower and shave. Michael Buble' will do the trick

    Popping the top off a cold one always does the trick around my house when I need Mr. Cue's attention. (Diet Pepsi that is!)

    I think ladies look good tanned a bit. Just a healthy glow to make you look nice. Even my curves look better tanned! :o)

    By Blogger EssCue, at 1:37 PM  

    saurkraut: yes, that scene in that movie was very, well,, strange. shaving sucks

    jublu: my arms probably do? but i don't make a habit of rubbing on them a lot. just shave a lot no it does not grow back any different, thats a lie. its also a lie about pulling gray hairs out. they don't come back in force. i've been picking them out for years now, just whenever i see one, i grab it and yank. no troubles.

    esscue; thanks for the wonderful advice. everything looks a little better tan. and nowadays with skin cancer scares one can get the rub on tans.

    fred: it will be great to hear back from you

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:26 PM  

    I'm having a hard time believing that "Blow Jobs" was not mentioned. I know it is mentioned about 3,958,246 times a day at my house.

    By Blogger Scottsdale Girl, at 3:31 PM  

    I can peel a carrot! Do I get bonus points?

    By Blogger Leslee, at 2:12 PM  

    wellcome scottsdale girl, i don't know what that is, can't help you

    leslee: um, peeling is like a SKILL

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:32 PM  

    ~QZ~: Thanks for the invite on Foo's blog. This is a great list! Maybe you should publish it list and hand it out to some women on the street who "need a clue!" It's unbelievable what some people wear. A pet peeve of mine is those damned pajama bottoms and slippers in public! Pllleeeezzzeee.

    Yes...If you do this, you're a RedNeck.

    By Blogger Cheryl, at 8:29 AM  

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Badoozie, at 9:08 AM  

    you're welcome. we can always use good women with common sense where it concerns marital advice, hope you join in often :-}

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:10 AM  

    why do they call it a blow job, does anyone actually blow? haha

    I think "cleaning a carrot" would be a better term........

    Can we use that instead?

    By Blogger Nea, at 7:32 PM  

    i love the carrot thing. although eddo totally did not mean anything remotely close to that when he mentioned it, i ran off with the carrot thing and i'll never be the same!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:42 PM  

    When I came over from Mr. Write....wasn't expecting a hygene lesson. I can say that you do it interestingly. I would like to add one if you don't mind. I am a big girl and I hate it when I see other big women wearing Daisy Dukes and tube tops. They look like a bunch of giant sausage rolls that are trying to escape from Alcatraz walking around. Very unsitely and unattractive. Don't get me wrong.. just because you are a bigger woman, doesn't mean you are unattractive. There are just better ways to do it.

    Great blog by the way. Glad I stopped by.

    By Blogger Adventures In Waitressing, at 10:45 AM  

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