The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Short Commercial Break

I'm feeling like taking a break. I think the good husbands may get overwhelmed with all of the information over the last few days, and need some time to mull it over. Men mull things over a lot different than women do. First of all it takes them all of 2 seconds. Secondly it usually happens on the crapper. So if you want your man to make a big decision, hand him a "car and driver" magazine and send him into the squat room. When he comes out, see what he came up with. But FIRST address the following:

1. Did you use a baby wipe?
2. Did you keep using them until they came up clean?
3. Did you wash your hands?
4. Did you use soap?
5. Let me smell your hands
6. If I see a skid mark in your underwear, I'm filing for divorce!

got sidetracked.

Here are some questions that you should not ask your husband:
1. Honey, does my ass look fat in these pants
2. What do you talk about with your friends?
3. Where is the remote?
4. Where is the checkbook?
5. Why are you never in the mood, when I'm in the mood?
6. Could you please move your butt, I can't see the TV
8. Where is the laundry soap I asked you to get
9. Why does your truck always smell like farts
10. Why do you have to make noise when you sleep
11. Where are your keys?
12. Why is there a sign on your car that says, "sorry girls, I'm gay!"
13. Does your mother still fold your underwear when you visit there?
14. Did you pull that shirt out from under the mattress?
15. Are you really going to wear that?
16. Do you seriously think white socks look good with black shoes?
17. When is my birthday?, ok fine, when is the superbowl?
18. If I got fat, would you still love me?
19. Do you ever look at cute, skinny women?
20. Would you rather have a bottle in front of you or a frontal lobotomy?

that's enough for now. But I'm having fun with this, too much fun it should be illegal. Help me out ladies and guys!!! Give me some more questions one should never ask one's spouse, ok GO

20 comment(s):

husbands should never ask their wives "Do you really need to eat that icecream?"

By Blogger Karin, at 9:51 AM  

Well, that first list doesn't pertain to me at all and if my wife was that anal about hand-washing and stuff, we would never have gotten married in the first place. I am an adult and I don't need someone coming behind me and checking to make sure I "took care of business". I sure hope you were just being funny.

So your description said you were a "two time looser". I think that may need to read two-time loser - as the other implies that you are really loose, which could mean a whole lot of things - none of which are normally very good.

I like the tips you gave to the women - they all seemed legit, but what type of men must you have been around to have come up with a list like that? Scary.

And if you read my Marry Me list, then I don't think I am the one in need of marital advice... I think I have that one on lock and that may be why I am not married yet - I haven't found a woman worth settling down for. Does that sound harsh? It shouldn't, it is just the truth.

By Blogger Eddo, at 10:01 AM  

I am a very good husband, although at the moment I'm only a fiance.

I'll come by often, I like your style...

By Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill, at 10:40 AM  

Eddo, *LOL* about the looser.

Dear Abby, I think I've failed and sinned by using/saying every single point here. Is it also bad to say "Um, have you thought about brushing your teeth recently?" when they're trying to kiss you?

By Blogger Saur♥Kraut, at 11:50 AM  

Here are some questions that you should not ask your husband:
1. Honey, does my best friend's ass look fat in those pants?

2. What do your friends say about me?

3. Where is your little black book from college?

4. Where are my nylons?

5. Why don't you want me to look like my mother?

6. Did you see my Victoria Secret catalog? It was right here!

7. Did you just eat over the sink?

8. Did you buy my monostat?

9. Why did you say my sister's name in your sleep?

10. Where is the birthday cake I just made for the baby and why are there crumbs on your shirt?

11. Why don't you pick up the dog poop yourself?

12. Does your mother still fold your nightgowns when you visit there?

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 12:37 PM  

For Daniel if you are a good husband AND a fiancee, I smell trouble brewing.

To all prospective good husbands:
I have a suggestion related way back to the first posting. Sorry I was slow on this one:

If you can't hit the snooze button fast enough to stay on the Queen's good side, use your cell phone as your alarm clock. Use the hands free earpiece and voila: you get a nice loud wakeup call, and the wife hears nothing. Just be careful you don't get tangled up in the cord.

By Blogger JTullGuy, at 3:33 PM  

karin: that is a really good tip, for both wives and husbands, thanks for your contribution

eddo: so what you are saying, is you are a meticulous hand washer, which is good, because of all the cooking you will do. thanks for correcting my spelling, i'll fix that right away, since i am certainly not loose. yes, my men were very scary. i didn't read your marry me list, perhaps it contains some good wife tips?

daniel: sounds great, i like you too, what is that in your hand? perhaps a gift for your lovely bride to be?

saurkraut, no way, i had a husband that would go upwards of 3 days without brushing. yuck

emma sometimes: i love your questions, thanks so much!! you are a very wise woman

hell58: good suggestion, and you can get blue tooth technology, thus no wires to tangle in.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:04 PM  


I am not too familiar with Blue Tooth. It might work. Being a bit of a low tech guy I recommend putting the phone in your shorts pocket and snaking the wire up under your shirt to prevent snarls.

Now I think this might be a problem for Emma's husband.

By Blogger JTullGuy, at 5:54 PM  

I went looking on line for some references to help out QZ in her quest for "Never ask your spouse".

I found one espcially profound one
"Never ask your spouse or partner to make a sacrifice for you"

This is especially pertinent for the goat farmers amongst us.

By Blogger JTullGuy, at 6:56 PM  

I have never thought to ask the husband about his hygiene habits in the washroom. ROFL. He's a very clean guy. But I did just buy an air freshener for the truck for Father's day. bwahahaha

By Blogger Mrs. Diamond, at 7:16 PM  


Of course my hubby would have a problem putting his cell phone in QZ's pocket. Heck, or even a goat farmer's pocket. What is your point again??

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 7:33 PM  

hello: now, snaking cords up ones shirt does not sound sexy at all. what if your wife wanted to rip your clothes off, would she rip out a cord? would that make you angry? better watch this.

i'm trying to get the goat farmer thing, and if i'm understanding correctly you are refering to a literal sacrifice, such as on an alter, as in old bible times? that is just weird. weird and creepy. i'm afraid to click on that link.

mrs diamond, i think your husbands truck is going to need more than an air freshener. try febreeze, on the seat where his butt sits.

emmasometimes: now, you are just creeping me a little bit.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:57 PM  

not to be creepy just getting an explaination from hellohello58 before I display my cage fighting skills.

Hellohello58? Please do clarify what exactly my hubby would have a problem with? I am sooo darn curious.

Perhaps my earlier comments should have also included the precursor factoid that I have NEVER had a reason or the stupidity to ask my hubby those questions I have offered. He is a rare one.

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 11:43 PM  

My point about your husband refers back to your item # 12. Perhaps I read too much into that. I could not figure out whee the pockets might be and my iidea fr how to run the wires would certainly not work.

As far as the sacrifice goes, I confess that was my extension on the statement I found on the web site.

The author does go on to make other oddball statements, such as
"If you really love someone, then you don't wish to control them."

I suppose this person and QZ would have some interesting discussions....

By Blogger JTullGuy, at 4:05 AM  

hell58, i hope it doesn't bother you i'm shortening that name, its too much to type, it may get even shorter soon. you said "If you really love someone, then you don't wish to control them"
and then you mentioned the possibility of me not aggreeing with this, well, a good wife, doesn't "control", she "shapes". thats right, she shapes that shaggy dog into the GH that she needs him to be, control is just downright, well, wrong. shaping, well that is natural and a normal part of a good wife. we'll talk more about this later, i'm beginning to think you may need some room to write here?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:16 AM  

Well, if you consider the good wife's guide being something written when Leave It To Beaver was on TV, you bet your green been casserole that the statements would be outlandish sounding. But I still wear a dress, pearls and heels to make dinner in....

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 11:19 AM  

wives should never ask their husbands, "What is my worst fault?"

By Blogger EssCue, at 9:34 PM  

my ex husband, husband #2, used to go into the bathroom in a great mood and come out in a really black scowling mood. I always what went on in there? haha

By Blogger Nea, at 7:37 PM  

emma: i've seen you at dinner. you wear sweats, and sit at the computer while your husband makes dinner. so there

esscue: oh, i think you should ask them that. then smack the heck out of them until they answer with this: nothing dear you are PERFECT

nea: that is strange. did you ask him? i would venture to guess that he was mad because he was going for the record sized pepsi can turd, and his fell way short

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:52 PM  

nah, I just divorced tired of cleaning his shit off the toilet, among other things.........

By Blogger Nea, at 10:55 PM  

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