The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Thursday, July 20, 2006

World's Best Comebacks For a Mean Spouse

when having a family picture taken:
  • ask them to turn around, pull down their pants, so their best side is showing

  • After they say something entirely unnecessary and ridiculous:
  • I'll allow you to re-phrase that

  • If I pour a bottle of Preparation H on your head, will you disappear?
  • If I lift up that pony tail will I find an asshole?
  • Oops, you better close your mouth, there's a turd peeking out
  • How long did it take for your parents to come back for you?
  • Did it hurt your monkey mama when that head of yours came out?
  • Oh look, there's a picture of you on the back of the weed killer
  • If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all and if you are just plain not nice? We'll see you when we clean out that closet next time we move.
  • Hey, I smell crap, were you scratching your head again?
  • What's that I see on your shoulder, is that a dorito? Or is that a Frito? How's about we get it off for you, HERE BIGFOOT, COME AND GET IT!!
  • Did your mom have any kids that lived?
  • If you had any balls, I'd use them for hacky sacks
  • Your mom just called, she wants her placenta back
  • Tomorrows Thursday (trash day), can you eat your breakfast on the curb? Here, wear these headphones and listen to some nice loud music. If things get dark for awhile, don't worry, there will be a light coming at you soon enough. If it's hot and red, then hey, YOU'RE HOME

  • Ok
    I'm totally pulling these out of my butt as I go along, ok fine I admit to using a few of them. Will you add some for me while I try to think of more today?

    Sunday, July 16, 2006

    101 ways to screw up a marriage

    Get married
    stay married, repeat 99 times

    I'm kidding

    I'll make a list for real here in a bit, and you can pitch in. Isn't interactive blogging just great? I love interaction. And interaction is a crucial part of marriage. One of the main reasons a marriage fails is lack of quality interaction. Spouses go their own ways, and do their own things. They grow tired of chasing after the other one and the hobbies that person pursues, in favor of hobbies they actually like. You see in the dating/impression phase, people like to pretend they are actually interested in the other persons interests. Well, this can be good, or it can be bad. A person could actually pick up a new hobby and like it, or they could hate it. Which leads to you either doing something you hate, or never getting to spend time with your spouse.

    Myself? I got stuck doing things I hated, just because I was desperate to hang out with my spouse. He could have cared less one way or the other. Then the next spouse? I decided to pick one who had NO hobbies other than smoking, drinking mocha's and watching TV. And this turned out horrible, because he was around ALL THE TIME. I went from one extreme to the other. Where's the DAMN MIDDLE GROUND. WHERE'S THE "THIRD ONES THE CHARM".

    Ways to screw up a marriage women first
  • Gain weight
  • walk in front of the TV during a ball game
  • Dance naked during your pregnancy
  • be naked in front of him after any pregnancies
  • ask if you can have new furniture
  • try to make him think you're a delicate flower
  • ask for a lap dog
  • pray for him to change
  • paint the house a girly color
  • expect the toilet seat to be put down
  • desire a separate bedroom so you can actually get some sleep due to his smacking, snoring, and other noises
  • go out with your friends instead of sitting by waiting for him to decide he's hungry, then clean up after him
  • ask him to watch the kids while you go to walmart
  • expect him to do projects around the house
  • expectations at all will ruin a marriage. Have NO expectations. It's not allowed.
  • try to express your feelings, this is interpreted as 'naggin'
  • ask him if he heard you
  • ask him why he never wants to snuggle, men don't snuggle after they are married. Unless it leads into something. So just get used to it. Or don't get married.

  • for men
  • take money out of her purse without asking
  • leave the toilet seat up
  • tell her you want 10 kids, when you don't intend on ever being home
  • drool all over the pillow
  • forget to brush your teeth
  • have skid marks in your underwear
  • demand she have dinner read every night and then don't eat it because you stopped at burger king on the way home
  • tell her to move out of the way of the TV
  • ask her where all the money went
  • get angry when she doesn't drop everything and help you look for your keys or your wallet
  • expect her to feel loved if you say it once a year
  • offer the neighbor lady a sweatshirt at your BBQ and ignore your wifes shivering
  • ask your wife is she is on the rag when she's having a bad day
  • say these words "what do you want from me?"
  • compare her to her mother
  • make a list of her duties as a "wife"
  • complain about her friends
  • pick your belly button fuzz out at the table
  • pick your eyebrows at the table
  • refuse to play board games unless you can win
  • stare at other women in her presence
  • compliment another woman in front of your wife

  • ok
    there you have just a little tip of the iceberg so to speak. there's not 101 things there, but then i never was any good at math. i'm good at a lot of things, but only because I had to learn a lot of things. The reason for that is my husbands never did squat for me. after they win the prize, they just backed off and did their own thing. They like to ask what they can do to help, but whatever it is, it needed to fall within the range of things they like to do. One thing I heard from someone was "i don't DO windows". What I wanted to say, was "well, I don't WANT to do a LOT of things, but someone has to". ass

    Obviously I picked badly twice in a row. And I do learn from my mistakes. so the liklihood of me ever picking badly again or picking at all are slim to none. Yes, I have faults, and I've willing to admit those. Actually if you knew me, you know I can pretty much get along with anyone. That's a quality that comes in handy at work. My favorite boss told me, I'm a very reasonable person, and he worked with me everyday. I've had to get along with a lot of difficult people in my life. ok
    enough of my blabbering.

    lets roll

    Monday, July 10, 2006

    Top Ten Reasons why i hated being married

    ok, hang on
    i started writing this and it was entirely too serious and not funny at all. so let me rethink this and i'll make sure its funny. i don't want anyone crying or anything

    Update...I never added to this obviously. I keep coming back to this because people comment on this old thread now and again. I am twice divorced, and know what it's like to feel there is no way out. But I did get out (twice) and I won't make the mistake of getting married again. Hit me up if you want to talk in private over email about your stuff. I'd be glad to listen.

    Thursday, July 06, 2006

    Top Ten's

    We begin our series of Top Ten's. Today we will start with the top ten things you should never say to your spouse during romantic moments:

    1. Can you move your butt, I can't see the TV
    2. Did you brush your teeth today?
    3. Do you smell that?
    4. Were these pants always this hard to get off?
    5. If my face was burned beyond recognition, would you still want to have sex with me?
    6. If I suddenly contracted diabetes and gained 200 pounds would you still find me attractive?
    7. Hey honey, wanna shave my backhair tonight?
    8. I shut off the cable today
    9. It's just a little "infection", stop making a big deal out of it.
    0. This last one is open to you, bloggers, fill in the blank. Make me LAUGH til i need depends