The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Thursday, July 20, 2006

World's Best Comebacks For a Mean Spouse

when having a family picture taken:
  • ask them to turn around, pull down their pants, so their best side is showing

  • After they say something entirely unnecessary and ridiculous:
  • I'll allow you to re-phrase that

  • If I pour a bottle of Preparation H on your head, will you disappear?
  • If I lift up that pony tail will I find an asshole?
  • Oops, you better close your mouth, there's a turd peeking out
  • How long did it take for your parents to come back for you?
  • Did it hurt your monkey mama when that head of yours came out?
  • Oh look, there's a picture of you on the back of the weed killer
  • If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all and if you are just plain not nice? We'll see you when we clean out that closet next time we move.
  • Hey, I smell crap, were you scratching your head again?
  • What's that I see on your shoulder, is that a dorito? Or is that a Frito? How's about we get it off for you, HERE BIGFOOT, COME AND GET IT!!
  • Did your mom have any kids that lived?
  • If you had any balls, I'd use them for hacky sacks
  • Your mom just called, she wants her placenta back
  • Tomorrows Thursday (trash day), can you eat your breakfast on the curb? Here, wear these headphones and listen to some nice loud music. If things get dark for awhile, don't worry, there will be a light coming at you soon enough. If it's hot and red, then hey, YOU'RE HOME

  • Ok
    I'm totally pulling these out of my butt as I go along, ok fine I admit to using a few of them. Will you add some for me while I try to think of more today?

    33 comment(s):

    "I'll allow you to re-phrase that."


    By Blogger Redneck Nerdboy!, at 9:55 AM  

    "I wouldn't marry you again if you were the last person on earth!"

    Of, course not honey, you'd be killed in the rush.

    "Well you can kiss my ass!!"

    That'll take all night!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:31 PM  


    By Blogger Saur♥Kraut, at 6:18 PM  

    I'll be sure to show these to The Missus. She may want to use them once in awhile.

    By Blogger Fred, at 10:35 AM  

    I'll be sure not to show these to The Missus, she may want to use them once in a while.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:45 PM  

    Today is our 15th anniversary Dear can you believe it? feels like only 5 minutes.....under water.

    By Blogger EssCue, at 10:03 PM  

    I LOVE that list! Good job!

    Snapy comebacks... sometimes I'm so snappy I get whiplash! :) But there's always room for a few more

    By Blogger Heart Of Darkness, at 4:50 AM  

    redneckerson: oh yes, that one comes in handy when someone says something you don't like

    ms. charlie: oh my!!

    saurkraut thanks for stopping by

    fred: are you sure thats a good idea?

    chachinnator: did you say the same thing as fred? or are you one and the same with him.

    esscue: oh my, thats pretty cold

    heart: oh yes, love those combacks

    steve: i don't think i've ever seen you over here commenting, or joining in the blog, so i'd prefer you did not advertise your CD here either. I removed your comment.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:17 PM  

    I will have to work to memorize these I never think of anything until about three days later. Thanks for visiting me.

    By Blogger Jessica, at 7:10 PM  

    One word different between me and Fred. And it's an important word.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:53 PM  

    Even though I use this line as a pick up line, it might be appropriate:

    It's not going to suck itself.

    By Blogger slopmaster, at 9:40 AM  

    slopman: if you said that to me, i'd tell you to go in the kitchen and help yourself to the turkey baster. hahahaha

    cach: duh, i wasn't seeing things clearly.

    jessica; we need to work on your snappy comebacks.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:45 AM  

    hey hey peeps i got one for ya.

    (Short people)

    hey dude i didnt know this place held an annual jocky celebration.

    ha ha ha get it... jockies... (people who ride on horses...) *hint*

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:15 AM  

    hey hey i got anyone peeps i hope u liked the one i juss posted:

    hey dude, why dont u trade that thing on top of ur hed for a face... ha ha ha

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:16 AM  

    ha ha ha...

    (ugly people)

    sorry mate... u missed the circus freak-show auditions...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:17 AM  

    Your life should have ended at foreplay!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:50 PM  

    if someone says to u fuck u say at least i can get fucked

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:16 PM  

    I wouldnt marry you if you were the last man on earth!

    If I was the last man on earth you will be waiting in line

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:52 PM  

    I dont know what your problem is, but i bet is hard to pronounce!

    burn bitch

    By Anonymous chickie, at 9:05 PM  

    I've got a few

    you're so stupid you tried to drown a fish
    you're so stupid u tried to bury a mole ur sooooo stupid you stared at an orange juice carton for half an hour just cause it said concentrate

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:35 AM  

    Here's one:
    When you stuck your face out the window you got arrested for mooning!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:11 PM  

    Hehe I should use these! hehehe

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:13 PM  

    Amanda: "well how long will it take you"
    Zach:"i dont know, i'm not an oven"

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:57 PM  

    Your mother owns 8 acres of land. 7 of which are her own arse!!! lol

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:47 AM  

    Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

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