The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Monday, July 10, 2006

Top Ten Reasons why i hated being married

ok, hang on
i started writing this and it was entirely too serious and not funny at all. so let me rethink this and i'll make sure its funny. i don't want anyone crying or anything

Update...I never added to this obviously. I keep coming back to this because people comment on this old thread now and again. I am twice divorced, and know what it's like to feel there is no way out. But I did get out (twice) and I won't make the mistake of getting married again. Hit me up if you want to talk in private over email about your stuff. I'd be glad to listen.

78 comment(s):

*hugs* OK, I'll start it out:

1. I got tired of hearing him always say "Yup! Marry 'em young, raise 'em right!"

By Blogger Saur♥Kraut, at 6:33 AM  

I am still married, although most of the fun is gone......

But my contribution is......I hate being married because I get so tired of a cold water douche from the bathroom toilet in the middle of the night.

By Blogger Nea, at 11:21 AM  

3. There is always someone around when you pass gas to say, "Oh my lawd what crawled up your behind and died?"

4. Someone else always eats the last chocolate chip cookie with the last cup of milk.

5. Mean hubby's saying "It's MY way or the HIGHWAY."

By Blogger EssCue, at 8:03 PM  

None to add. She'd hit me if she found out. (Heck, is that one?)

By Blogger Fred, at 10:35 AM  

Sharing a bathroom with a boy sucks. I am now older and wiser and the live-in was banished to the guest bathroom - which actually also sucks because now the master bath has to be the guest bath because BOYS SUCK AT KEEPING BATHROOMS TIDY.

Felt good to get that offa my chest and YES you can call me SG anytime

By Blogger Scottsdale Girl, at 3:50 PM  

Number one reason why marriage sucks:

You supposed to have sex with only one person.

By Blogger slopmaster, at 10:23 PM  

Slopmaster, *LOL*

By Blogger Saur♥Kraut, at 12:12 PM  

The checkers at the grocery call you Ma'am no matter how old when you are married.

I had to share my pillows in bed. (HEY! those aren't pillows!)

and I'm going to be feathered and tarred for this, but I don't like being married because I can only marry Mr. Coffee once. I love being married.

(pausing for saccharine pukefest)

can't think of 10 but I have 3.

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 3:48 PM  

saurkraut, thanks for the hug
thats what women should say, because men can be perpetually childish

nea: not sure what you are saying, but i think you are saying the lid is up? and you fell in?

esscue: i've heard that a lot. i'm still hearing it
you need to find some good hiding places for your food
and that my way thing? my response to that is "if it's your way, then let me put my foot up your butt"

fred: you get hit? well let me give you a link for men who are abused by their wives. (just kidding)

SG: i hear you on that. they are just messy and they are hairy, and gross

slopmaster: wow, that is a very profound observation

emma sometimes they call you maam when your not married, your pillow thing is funny. and we don't want to hear about mr coffe perfect man. just shush for now while we all complain

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:24 PM  

I hate being married, because even if my husband is not in town, my mom dont let me go out with my friends.. just because i´m a married woman... thats crap...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:45 PM  

All you ladies talking about how messy boys are just make me laugh. I'm the neat one in my house. My wife is the biggest slob I have ever known. She leaves dirty dishes laying around in every room of the house. She leaves empty food wrappers on every flat surface we have, even when the garbage can is within arms reach. She flings her shoes in any direction when she removes them. I've found her bra on top of the 3 inch high pile of mail (which is all hers) covering every square inch of the kitchen table. Every drawer and cabinet she opens stays that way. I've found her panties laying in front of the toilet where she kicked them off while she was using the bathroom. She spills food on the stove & counter tops & NEVER wipes it up. She never cleans anything. Until recently, she didn't work, so she was at home spending her time "starting her own business" when all she really did was sit around and do little craft projects (which left behind even more messes that never got cleaned up), play on her computer, and watch craft shows all day. If anything gets cleaned, I do it. If anything gets organized, I do it. If anything at all of substance get done, I do it. Sorry ladies, you don't have the market cornered on being neat and tidy. You run the full spectrum, just like men do.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:53 AM  

anonymous: Thanks for dropping by and leaving your rather stern comment. We here at the dummies blog are not however quite as serious as we should be. Take it with a grain of salt, roll with the flow, don't get your briefs in a wad. No one said ALL men are messy now did they? No, they didn't. But I'm glad you found a forum to vent, because it sounds like you live with a neanderthol.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:47 AM  

hey, is that my husband leaving that comment... i am that messy woman and my husband hates being married, he won't say it in those words, but in the constant criticism he yells it every day... i left the bra there because i had just picked it up from where my one year old dragged it and i meant to go through the mail and put the bra away but my two year old just dumped a whole bag of flour on the cat and while i ran to clean that up my four year old kept asking what is for lunch (he was opening the cupboards, but i just did not get a chance to close them... sigh, i hate being married too, but only because no matter how hard i try someone needed me to do something else with that extra arm i left laying around somewhere between the basement laundry and the closet... and by the way... your underwear were in the bathroom this morning when you went to work ;-)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:25 AM  

I hate it when my husband acts like a child. Most of the time I just try not to talk to him. I never know what his mood will be. He intentionally tries to push my buttons and I really think he enjoys it. I just feel so alone. I look forward to the weekends when we can be toghther but it never fails. He always has mean comments and deliberately tries to argue. I dont know what to do anymore.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:51 AM  

anon: I don't know if you'll come back and read this, but I was married to a man just like that. Everything was ALL ABOUT HIM, and I could not do anything right. It is very stressful living with someone of that nature (passive aggressive). Have you read up on that personality type? There are things you can do to deal with it better, if you want to chat about it, feel free to email me

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:21 AM  

I married the wrong person. No sex, no communication, no plans for the future, no support (financial or emotional) whatsoever. So pretty much I'm lonely and sad most of the time. So why not divorce and just be lonely if that? Life would be much bearable.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:28 PM  

i never ge sex and haven't for ten years, at least. we've been married for 25, and its not because of all the standard reasons. i help lots with the kids, i do all the cooking, a good % of the cleaning, laundry. we have equal incomes, but i still pay most of the bills. this is supposed to be funny. i still keep hoping it will get better.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:51 PM  

hmmm let me say...

I hate being married because the sex was more frequent when we were dating...

The issues are more intense, frequent, and everyone feels the need to offer advice, and they themselves are not happily married and jaded from past experience but she listens and I am always the last one to find out about the issues she may have with me... and there are other things too...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:42 PM  

I am really diappointed with my marriage. All my husband thinks about is himself. I grew up in a family where the men would take care of the women. But my husband wants me to take care of myself and him. Of course whenever I say I do not have time or forget to do something - then he throws that "this is a partnership" line at me. I am sick of spending all my time thinking and planning ways to make him happy and never having him reciprocate. This sucks.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:04 PM  

I hate being married because I have to share my closet, my last tiny bit of soap, my sink which is now full of gloppy shaving hairs, and the remote control. I know you are supposed to learn to share in Kindergarten, but even back then I had my own bedroom!
The middle aged grinch

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:24 PM  

I hate the fact that I'll never have that exciting feeling of meeting someone new, getting to know them, eagerly anticipating seeing them. I hate hearing my wife complain about her day. Seriously, I feel like saying "did ANYTHING good happen today?" I hate living with someone who barely knows me because she is a self described introvert. I hate that my wife refuses to come to bed naked even though she knows that is a huge turn on for me. I hate the drudgery of the daily routine. I hate having to plan meals that everyone in the family will eat. I hate setting something down and then having it moved 10 minutes later. I hate the fact that our society puts so much pressure and expectations on people to marry that many do before they realize that it sucks. I hate that marriage gets your finances and belongings so intertwined that divorce seems like an insurmountable obstacle.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:56 PM  

I hate being married to a self absorbed child who only thinks about himself. I hate being stuck with someone who doesn't understand me and won't try. I hate that I selected such a poor life partner for myself because I don't really have a partner. I'm living alone even when we are under the same roof (which he won't help pay for). Worst mistake I ever made.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:18 PM  

I hate being married because I hate when my husband questions everything I do. If I wanna go out, he wants to know where, what time I'm going, and what time i'm coming back. I don't have a problem telling him where I'm going, but say if I was going on the road to do a few errands, like grocery shopping, to the bank and so the heck am i supposed to know what time I'll be back. Considering i have to go through traffic, lines at the bank or store and all that crap. It gets so annoying. He wants to question everything I do. I hate it. I really don't think I'm cut out for this marriage thing. It's just annoying.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:00 PM  

I know this is an old thread, but maybe someone will read and comment helpfully. I am actually beginning to believe that something is wrong with me - mainly that I am too selfish to be married (TOO LATE!!!!) I am on my second marriage, and I am disgusted in a lot of the same ways this time around. Hygeine issues, messiness, personality/behavior, laziness, compulsive lying this time (alcoholism last time.) Boy, I can really pick them, can't I? And, when you lose respect for your spouse and are disgusted/disappointed in them all the time, the last thing on earth you want to do is have sex with them!!!!! Gross!!! I just like to be alone and do things my way. I am tired of rinsing someone's hair and soap scum out of the tub; taking the towel and dirty clothes to the laundry room; putting things in the trash can that are left lying near the trash can; taking out the trash etc. etc. etc. I hate it very much!!!!!!!!!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:51 PM  

I am REALLY SICK of being with a MAN who is so emotionally immature that all he does is REACT! He never takes a step back to see what he is really doing and saying. Why are men so emotionally retarded?! If you're going to act like a jerk, at least have a reason in your head for why you're doing it--- and stop blaiming your wife for your bad moods!!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:00 PM  

I hate being married--- I hate how you never see what a jerk someone is until you're married, no matter how long you've known him and dated him. As long as you're not married, there's always a back door open-- so you never see the REAL person until that door closes with the wedding ring. If I could have seen how awful being with my husband would be when I was married, I never would have done it.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:03 PM  

Why do men ask a woman to marry them if they are too selfish and immature to really love her for the rest of his life?! If you can't hack it, don't ask her to marry you.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:04 PM  

my husband is a total dirt bag--- I have no one to talk to about it and I am left alone to myself to suffer with it. I hate him so much and I hate how he makes me feel. I want to get out of the relationship but I feel like I'm coping out by taking the Divorce train.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:05 PM  

I feel like I give and give so much to my marriage with such little returns. I am stressed constantly and always feeling fatigued because of this relationship. It drains me--- it's as if I am giving $1,000 and only getting back 50 cents. You can only do that for so long.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:08 PM  

Wow....lots of stuff here that I could comment on. Lots of people who are miserable. I wish I could help. If these are serious, feel free to email me and maybe I can shed some light somewhere?

By Blogger The Doozie, at 9:33 AM  

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By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:49 AM  

Lol! Good topic. Love my husband. Marriage, not so much. Together 17 years. Doesn't even say happy birthday. Last year I got a picture of something he thought about buying me for christmas. Had to just smile and say thank you since I opened it in front of the family. For one, I will never be with him on my birthday again. Never. And yes, I try to make special days for others extra special for them, including him. Done with that crap! Bah!!!

By Blogger tigger, at 12:50 PM  

I'm tired of him saying one thing and doing another. I left and came back thinking that things would be different. I'm an idiot for thinking that. I hate having sex with him, but I want to have a baby because I'd like to be a mother someday. I'm starting to think that I'll never be happy and being married is my punishment for all the bad things I've done in my life.

By Blogger Chloe Pelletier, at 6:26 PM  

after being married for a year. I've come to the conclusion that some men are simple, stupid and do a lot of idiotic things. Its very difficult to stop them because on top of all the other things they are pompous, egotistical and stubborn. Which is why they never grow up or change!The only thing you can hope for is that they are sometimes kind and good in bed. IF not for that- there would be no hope for me in marriage.
Love my husband hate being married.

By Blogger Concerned individual, at 10:53 AM  

to anonymous at 8:51. I hate it too. Its almost as if you have to look at a man like a child. Clean up after them, you have to constantly manipulate them into doing what you want. Most of the times its simple but other times its really like you're dealing with a child that you can't scare with a spanking.
I explained to my husband that the more we argue the less I want to have sex with you. You're right the more disappointed you are with you partner the less interested you are in having sex with them. He does a lot better now with clean up, but he's still stubborn. The times that he doesn't heed to my advice and ends up in the gutter- I get the blame for not doing anything to help him when in the first place he didn't heed my advice to not do that thing which he did! its so odd. and they never realize that you warned them. but everything ends up my fault. I'm not loving enough, supportive enough, involved enough- F that! I think the smartest men in the world are the ones that realize that women are generally smarter than men and have more self control- if they learned to use it to they're advantage they could become king of UNIVERSE!lol

Love my husband hate being married.

By Blogger Concerned individual, at 11:08 AM  

I hated being married because I got tired of always being told about what I did not do. For some reason, when I was married I could not do anything right. Then I got divorced, got my MBA, started teaching at a local college, upgraded to Captain, became a marathon training coach, raised over 10000 for charity, and run part of a successful business..funny, the other day my ex emailed me to say how terrible I still was..ha ha ha...ironic huh?>

By Blogger George, at 12:47 PM  

The person you married isn't the person you dated. All the things that made me say yes are gone. He because a totally different person. Not the one I agreed to marry. Growing further and further apart. No one can get past the pain and the change. Wasn't tryna be June Cleaver but wanted that life where my husband and I could have intellegent conversations. Joke, go out. See who can top one another with cool over the top romantic gestures. I love him but we are going no where.

By Blogger Jean, at 8:57 PM  

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By Blogger Karls.Ranch, at 12:03 AM  

Im going to sound superficial and somewhat shallow but....... I hate being married!!!! My wife gained so much weight I find it hard to even look at her. I have tried to help her and encourage her but she seems happy the way she is. I havent been inspired sexually for over 2yrs. I cant be unfaithful either because my conscience wont let me. Big mistake from day 1.

By Blogger Chump, at 12:55 PM  

On the serious note.. what happens when he can't get IT up??? Blames me for it, then claims nothing is wrong with his stuff bc if he watches porn, he can have an erection... Dumb ass!!!

By Blogger Fed UP, at 9:04 PM  

Oh yeah not to mention the fact he's cheap as hell, ask like a little girl... If I'm butt ass naked, then why you can't get hard??? Get yours, let me get mine.. take your butt to sleep. Everyone is happy. I'm so tired of this crap. This is a man that is in his early 30's... What is that all about.
Really, men really want to be held, and feel wanted... is that normal, especially if she's throwing some butt at him??

By Blogger Fed UP, at 9:07 PM  

I Hate being married because my wife is a spoiled brat. my business is in my back yard working on cars.she leaves me with the kids and im unable to do my so backed up that i dont sleep at night.she doesnt cook,clean,or nothing.besides the occasional shopping .and paying the bills.if i tell her that im goin to my freinds house it starts a huge fight.but shes allowed to go any where she pleases.shes over controling and extremely rude.i dont cheat,drink,smoke,go out,gamble,nothing but when i want a little freedom she rips me a new one.just today i was working and she was suppose to be shoping and she calls me and tells me that i have to go do my night job "im a care giver to her grampa"and i got to take my son because shes watchin a movie at her freinds house"so i had to run in,change the baby,take a shower while the baby watched a movie,wash clothes,didnt get to eat and go to work.this type of thing happens alot.i would be much happier single but im addicted to my son.i want to be woken up by him every day.and i also have 3 kids that i had from my ex and i dont know where i would go with 3 kids on my back.the worst thing i hate about her is when im talking to her shes flipping me off.and when i finally flip a lid im the bad guy.i promise to anybody i know and the lord thats above if i could find a way out of this ill never get married again.

By Blogger JohnnyDeSaint, at 9:31 PM  

Well Johnny, when you've had enough of being a victim, you'll figure out a way to fix it. There's always a way :)

By Blogger Matilda, at 10:31 AM  

Because it is boring being with the same person. My wife is always having some drama. I also can't stand the sound of her voice anymore. I just hate it. My life has been a misery since getting married.

By Blogger karls, at 3:58 PM  

My guy is a really good guy. He's my second hubby and I think I made a mistake. I feel restricted, confined always compromising. Nothing is really mine anymore and I am not me.
I want to leave and forget any of it ever happened but can't because too many people will be hurt.
I just want to go home. Please can i just go home and be me.

By Blogger Reb, at 5:26 AM  

Because Women always want 'support' and when it's your wife there is no escape. It's never enough - ever. They want your soul.

By Blogger Karls.Ranch, at 9:42 PM  

I hate being married because my wife acts like a child. She still sucks her thumb and talks like a 2 year old. She always sees the negative in situation this is why I dont like telling her anything. She loves drama and hate instead of peace and love. I got pressured into getting married I was to soft to say no. She was planning a wedding before even purposed. Well if this is my Hell for my past mistakes, I think I can endure it until I die. Be unhappy is not bad.

By Blogger me2, at 4:28 AM  

I had my own house and a high paying career, but it was lonely. I wanted a life partner. I wanted a wedding and a honeymoon, but he says let's go to the courthouse. A week later I was pregnant. Then I quit my job because I was so sick all the time. Now we're in a new house, where the TV is his, the couch is his, my dog is his, I get yelled at a month later for wanting to go on weekends away, I don't have my job, and I just want to file for divorce. Being a single mom would be better than this hell I'm in now. I've had all my freedom and power stripped away and now I'm just bitch, staying at home doing laundry.

By Blogger Misu, at 9:28 PM  

Misu, do you like being a victim? Why can't you get a job, get daycare, and resume part of your life? I fear there is more to this than you have typed. Doozie

By Blogger Doozie, at 5:41 PM  

I being the stupid ass married my husband, who always cheated on me when dating, manipulates his n my words, is a sexist, has 4 other bastard children ( I didn't know in the beggining), wants me to pick up after his lazy grown children ( not happening), says I'm not house broken, is a anal engineer, berates my career, I take care of myself and our son, he rarely buys him things. I wish I would have fallen for someone else :( . Someone my age. Someone with no kids, someone with a family structure, someone who would have been faithful. After years of his emotional abuse, the love and excitement I felt as a young girl is gone. Sex is gross sometimes. I dread going home at times. He says he cares for me but it don't feel like it. He annoys me. I hate him sometimes. I wish someone would have cared enough for me to tell me about real life. I hate that he doesn't spend time with our son. I hate my stupidity, my low self worth. I know that one day I won't be confused as much n I will resolve my issues n find happiness with or without him. I fel sorry for my son.

By Blogger Blah, at 8:39 PM  

I lived on my own for 13 years! I left my partner when my son was 4 and never had a serious relationship until I met my husband 4 years ago. I think I had a made-up Hollywood version of what being married was like - a mythical creature. I have been married 11 months and I find that most of the time I just don't like it. There's always tension about intimacy, I would like it more often, but my husband has less of a drive than I do and also likes to have prior notice if we are going to, so that he can engage himself in that way of thinking, and I really miss spontaneity. Getting to know someone is really tough, and trying to find ways to still see them as attractive. Marriage takes the illusion away and you are left with a whole lot of disappointment. The problem is I don't think my version of marriage even exists. It sucks growing-up and I am 41!!!

My husband is a great guy and I am sure he would be snapped up in a heart-beat, I just don't know whether I like all this bulshit!

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 6:47 AM  

Victoria, you bring up several interesting points. I think I'm afraid to get married again for many of those reasons. Even shacked up would be about the same. I've been dating a guy for 10 mo's and love the shit out of him, but when I think about being around him 24/7 I just don't know.....

By Blogger Doozie, at 10:46 AM  

Doozie, I can definitely relate and I am so sorry you have that kind of conflict. I feel angry with hollywood and myself. I think we all create our own versions of reality, but none that really match the experiences you find between a man and a wife, because it's such a personal one, even if there are overlapping similarities. I know my past has a lot to do with how I feel, but I also find myself thinking things like "I really am not enjoying getting to know someone on the level we are". Maybe it's a fear of intimacy? I dunno? I get mad when I try to conduct our relationship in an honest way and my husband resists - I hate all the bullshit! Lets just say how we feel and find ways to be closer? They say the first year of marriage is hard, and we have had other BIG life stessors that have interfered with our not-even-first-year of marriage, BUT. And, I keep coming back to the but.

My husband is a great guy, handsome, very well respected in his career, for all the right reasons, being compassionate and hard-working and caring about the people he works with, and he can be very kind and loving towards me and super thoughtful. He is an honorable guy, but. And, there it is again. I thought we were soul-mates, and now I wonder?

I am an intelligent person and I like to be a positive person, but I am finding it hard to think like that about marriage right now. Maybe in time? I feel so cynical like I have lost my passion about what love is. Being married is hard-work, and I am okay with that, I'm just not okay with all the bullshit that goes on between two people in close quarters.

Don't give up! Express how you feel in a way that is non-threatening, making "I feel" statements. Maybe some people can be just as happy not living with another person, but having a committed relationship? Maybe there is something you and I need to work out that is somehow hindering our progress?

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 8:27 AM  

You probably don't need to think about commitment just yet, with it only being 10 months down the line. Try your best to enjoy the time you have and not worry about the future, unless your guy has asked you?

I know it's not easy not to future pace, I live my life like that - setting goals, and looking ahead, but sometimes you just have to let things be what they are and when and if they change you can look more closely at your feelings and answers about marriage and living together. Maybe 10 months is to early to have those thoughts, which is why you feel conflicted?

I have thought about some counseling, because I recognize that I am conflicted and I need to find out my own answers so that I can be at peace with whatever I choose is best for me in the long run, but first of all I have to understand where this all comes from and untangle all the confusion in my head.

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 8:36 AM  

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By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 8:44 AM  

Google went crazzzy and repeated the same comment about 100 times - a bit like being married! Ha, ha!

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 10:03 AM  

There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.--Anthony De Mello

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 11:01 AM  

After reading my comments on here I decided to send my husband an email about my feelings. I figure I may as well share these feelings, and hope we navigate our way through them, then worrying about it and not sharing. I have tried in the past to be honest, but it hasn't always gone so well. I like to research things, so that I can find a balanced perspective about how I feel and I found a great resource. It may help you, too, Doozie?

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 1:19 PM

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 1:24 PM  

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By Blogger Doozie, at 4:07 PM  

Oh gosh.... I don't know that I would have emailed him... Men are weird about that kind of stuff. I feel if you cant' say it to their face in a very simple way, you probably shouldn't say it. If it was a lengthy email, of your feelings and emotions, he probably didn't comprehend it.

He sounds like a good person, but what I have come to realize is that men are very simple. They don't take hints, and they need someone to be very straight with them. What they do with it from there is what matters.

I don't have the option of emailing my BF, he does not own a computer, hates the things. So the times I've had issues with him, I have had to be courageous and just present it in a really simple format. It's important to talk face to face, and keep it simple.

He avoids conflict, and I know most men will do that. If you don't bring it up, they don't have to deal with it and they can pretend everything is great. They are big babies when it comes to talking things out.

Also, be prepared to just present your case, then drop it if he doesn't say anything or say the right thing. Don't continue to drill on it.... the more you say the more they tune out.

I had been pretty much single for 6 years, never found anyone that I wanted to continue dating. When this guy came along, I had already given up.. but we just clicked like crazy. And at my age, I experienced insecurities I didn't know I still had. I think I want to be "engaged" because I want people to know that he is committed to me, and I want to know he is committed, but I'm not sure I want to be married.... not sure if that makes sense.

I'll have to tell you at another time the awkward situation at Christmas with a ring. But suffice it to say I've come to the conclusion that men are horribly dense about relationships and they need to be led along gently. Not so much in-your-face, and no manipulation or games, but on a simple level.

Let me know how the email thing turned out. By the way it's nice to meet you, I have not written on this blog in a long

By Blogger Doozie, at 4:09 PM  

I should give you some back-ground info. I am a Brit -- we met on the net - not a dating site, a research forum. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, it just happened over time, so we spent a lot of our time emailing, and tweeting, you know, all the virtual domains. So, it's a habit, and it's okay for us to communicate that way, but you are right, normally it is much better to do it face to face. I wrote it in a style I knew my husband would appreciate, and it wasn't overly long and contrite. Very matter of a fact, and I made sure he realised that I do love him.

Anyway, it has turned out for the best. I did an awful lot of research about how I have been feeling and I feel like it's okay.

I mean, I went through the transition of moving 4000 miles to be here with him, which is tough, and the transition of sharing my life with someone (being married) and in their home, and I was also still recovering from a head-injury. Ha, ha, ha. That's kind of like my life, always stuff going on.

He is a sensitive type and is more tuned in to feelings than the typical guy and he is super intelligent and gets me.

I have learned from being married for only 11 months, that you need to tell someone what your wants and needs are, and just because they aren't able to read your mind, doesn't mean you are not meant for each other, it's all about communication. I have learned a lot over the past 11 months, and some of that has been about having my romantic bubble burst. I kinda needed that to happen, so that I can be in a grown-up relationship, but it has been very tough dealing with so many different kinds of emotions at the same time.

There are differences between us that I think we need to manage better, but I am sure with time we will find a good balance.

I have a horrible dysfunctional history/childhood that also makes relationships tough for me, which is in part why I waited so long to be married. I didn't find the right guy before, because I wasn't in the right place emotionally or mentally.

One aspect of marriage that I have found very difficult is seeing the negative aspects of myself reflected back at me through how I behave towards my husband. Man, it is the shittiest feeling seeing your flaws, but I am starting to realise that I can embrace those things about me and become better at coping and dealing with certain situations. Being so vulnerable in a relationship is scary as hell.

I tend to freak-out when I don't understand my feelings or where they are coming from. It was good to let myself be negative on here, because it helped me realise how I had been feeling.

Man, I am learning so much!

Anyway, it is also good to meet you, finding this little place has been good for me and I am interested to find out more about you and help in anyway I can? I haven't got all the answers, as you can see, but I am good at learning.

I do get you wanting to be in engaged, but not married. Totally! I think it is a good step in the right direction and definitely gives you a sense of security without the emotional turmoil getting married carries with it. Don't give up on that, though, just because of your negative experiences. Your last husband, sounded like hard-work, but you know what? Marriage is, you just have to identify if it's the good kind of hard work.

I am all about self-actualization and facing my fears, and I am so glad I did not crack and pack my bags and go back to the U.K. I have grown about a foot, and I am thankful for far.

Keep on keeping on. Looking forward to hearing more.

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 5:27 PM  

I think I sound like those simple guys who need their hands holding in relationships, ha! I am a real novice, but I am getting to grips with it. One of my real Achilles heals is wondering if I am too accepting of situations or behaviours, because in the past that was something that made me unhappy. It's hard not knowing whether how you feel is okay, or whether you need to change your perception a little. I analyse the crap out of stuff, which is both a blessing and a curse.

Marriage is disappointing to some degree, if you look at it from the perspective of fulfilling your every need. I think I am learning, that I need to still be independent and not expect my husband to fulfil all my needs. I never realised I carried those ideas around and I am just glad I am introspective enough to see the scripts of I have written for myself.

I still find aspects of being married a let down, and sometimes my negative head says, "what's the point of coming together, if you are just going to take me for granted, or be too tired to talk to me, or be with me". It's easier feeling lonely when you are alone then when you are married. My sensible head, says find a way to fix that for yourself. What would you do when you were on your own that would help with feeling lonely. I think I also have to let my husband know that I would like some time just for us in the week, so that it's not all about is job and his studies (he's also doing a doctorate).

I am still awaiting all my adjustment of status stuff, so I am unable to work and drive, which is killing me. I was at school in the U.K and working and busy, and I spend most days at home cleaning. I have made the house my job. Public transport is pretty non-existent around here, so I am very limited.

I am having a lonely moment. :-)

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 5:41 PM  

This comment has been removed by the author.

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 5:41 PM  

Because he knew I wanted kids when we married and he promised me a baby and now he isn't sure?

By Blogger GlThursday, at 8:04 PM  

That's a tough one GIThursday! Are there reasons he feels are legitimate for his response right now?

By Blogger Victoria Hays, at 9:31 PM  

What is the date on your comments? I've been very busy, and have not been paying attention. Victoria, how is it going with your marriage? GI, people say all kinds of stuff they don't really mean before they are married. It's part of life, and what you have to realize, is that it is what it is. you have this guy, and you want to keep this guy, but you are unhappy with his flip flopping about having a baby. People are having kids well into their late 30's these days successfully. Don't get in a hurry.... let him come to it on his own. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

By Blogger Doozie, at 7:27 AM  

Also, I think I'll make a new post.

By Blogger Doozie, at 7:35 AM  

Hi, Doozie.

Things are up and down. I'm very unhappy and trying to figure out what is exactly responsible for that? I received my work authorization so I'm going to get a part-time job to keep me stimulated for a while. I'm also going for some therapy.

How are you and your guy?

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By Blogger masuki, at 1:45 AM  

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