The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Are You a Mantard?

This is a word a good friend of mine said the other day, I'm not sure if she made it up or not, but I really like it. We've discussed it before. Mantard: being a man who is just not capable of understanding women, responding correctly or otherwise doing anything right.

I think a mantard is not someone I would hate, but rather pity. So, In light of this word study we have here today, I'd like to pose a few questions to our male readers, in hopes of them shedding some light on things. You'd think I would have this figured out at my age, but try as I might, I can't seem to get into the heads of men, and find out what really makes them tick.

I'm sure they'd love to do the same with us women, and we'll get there, but right now, since I'm mantardless, I need advice. I don't want to pick another jerk, and go through anymore grief. So I have some questions. And I hope I get honest answers, cause I think you all pity me, and want what's best for me, right? Ok good. good answers.

Do men really prefer "skinny"? Or would they rather you have a little meat on your bones.

What is the DEAL with boobs? Seriously I've heard its just because you DON'T have them, but maybe its more? I just have never been able to understand the attraction to big blobs of fat, with nipples on them. And why big? Is sloppy ok? Is saggy ok? If they are saggy does it repulse you? If your wife had saggy ones, and wanted to get them tucked, or lifted, would you be supportive for reasons of your own? Do you tell her they are fine just to be nice, but really you think they are gross? You can tell I'm really curious on this one. Let me make sure you know, I'm blessed. I don't know why I'm compelled to tell you that, maybe I'm bragging a bit. I had small ones, I had a kid, then they got a tad saggy but not bad. Then I gained weight because I've always been too skinny, and they firmed up, got bigger, and actually are pretty nice now. I'm quite proud of them. No one ever sees them though, so it's pretty much as waste.

Does that cellulite stuff on the backs of our legs gross you out, or are you all about the butt?, so, if a woman has a nice round hiney, can you focus on that, and not notice the cellulite on the legs?

Do men like tattoos on women, or not. What if the tattoo was located in the small of her back and something you designed or your initials/name etc. Would that be a turn on? Granted of course, she is yours and a commitment has been made. And keeping in mind, those things can be removed with laser now.

Is it really true that you are able to notice the eyes and smile before the boobs etc? How many of you honestly notice the body parts first. Tell the truth. We don't know you. And we won't tell.

How intelligent do you want her to be? Is it a turn off if she's clever, or seems devious? Do you like coy? Or just NICE.

Do you like her a little clingy, or prefer her independent?

How hard are you willing to work to woo her?

Are you guilty of wooing her and then backing off after you win the prize? If so, why. Or do you even care.

Have you ever been guilty of saying really sweet things just to get what you want?

How much personal attention do you really want from your woman. Does it make you feel good when she slathers it on you? Or would you rather she back off a bit.

Do you want her tagging along with you to all your hobbies?

Do you really want to do things together, or would you prefer just to be together at home, etc.

Does it bug you when she wants to talk about deep stuff?

Is it annoying when she wants to snuggle? To snuggle or not.

ok that's enough for now.

17 comment(s):

wow!! i am definitely keeping my eye on the responses...but i think alot of the answers will come down to the individual - or maybe not, men do seem to think with the same brain.

can't wait

By Blogger sassyglass, at 11:39 AM  

Okay, I've got a few minutes so here goes:

Skinny or curvy? Both. Being able to easily pick up a hundred pound girl leads to certain advantages, but a stronger girl can help you move.

Boobs are great. They fit nicely in your hand and when you handle them correctly you get a nice response. Honestly, sometimes my hand just acts on its own. Plus they fill out dresses. And I prefer perky. C cup is perfect.

I haven't dated a girl with cellulite so I can't comment.

I have a love hate relationship with tats. Small tattoos are fine like those small of the back ones. The ones I think are hot are the extensive ones like if a girl's entire arm is done up over the shoulder blade. At the same time, though, my future occupation is very conservative and I wonder how that would play out. I think picking out the tattoo or having my initials on her would be weird. It's a little like branding.

I notice the whole face first actually. Smile and eyes are important parts of the face...

Intelligence is a huge turn-on for me. And I don't just mean she can turn a phrase, like top 2% smart. Coy or nice works, either way I'll be coy.

Independence. Clingy gets annoying fast.

The most important part of wooing is hiding the fact that you're working. The easiest way to do this to not work very hard. You have to get her to chase you.

When I've chased I've stayed interested. There was a reason I was interested and that stands.

I don't say sweet things to get what I want. I embody sweetness. Then I just ask for what I want.

I like attention as much as anyone else, but I don't want all of it.

I like having my own hobbies, but I like doing things as a couple.

I'm also fine with snuggling and talking about deep stuff.

So let me break it down: I like a girl with pleasant features who is in shape regardless of her body type. She has to be her own complete person, no co-dependancy. I like her best when we can go to a party split off and socialize and independently charm everyone just to come back together later on and flirt with each other. A whip-smart, ambitious, well mannered, and funny girl with a great laugh.

By Blogger Trib, at 3:59 PM  

trib you better watch out! you'll have all the girls (qz included) in blog world after you soon...great answers.

By Blogger sassyglass, at 8:50 PM  

So many questions.

Number 1, I'd say with a relative degree of certainty that calling a man a mantard is probably a turnoff, but hey, it could just be me.

Skinny vs meaty: I'm a carnivore. 'Nuff said.

Boobs: There isn't really a deal with boobs. They're nice, but not a dealbreaker. I'd say women probably care more about them on the whole (Exhibit A: which paragraph in your post is the longest?...Just sayin'.)

Cellulite: Hey, I have some. So, who am I to criticize? Butts are nice, but so are ankles. Verdict: Cellulite's OK if not out of hand.

Tatoos: A discrete one or two are OK. Full "sleeves" or one of those pornstar kind that feature a dragon curling around a breast and biting a nipple...not so much.

Boobs or Eyes: It's true we can, astonishing though it may seem, see eyes first. But it also depends on where I was looking when you came into view. Do women notice a man's eyes or their beer bellies first? Come on...tell the truth.

Intelligent: Very. Like you.

Devious: Um, no. I have a boss for that.

Coy: Depends on how hard I have to work.

Nice: Yes please.

Clingy: No, I have enough other crap to carry around.

Independent: Yes, but it's nice to be wanted sometimes too.

How Hard Will I Work: Lady, I've been married for more than 20 years and it was all hard work. Enjoyable mind you, but still hard work. Wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Sweet Things: No. I say sweet things because sweet things need to be said, not because I'm in trouble. I say I'm sorry for that...assuming I actually did something to be sorry for.

Personal Attention: Attention slathering is like butter on brioche...just enough, but not too much.

Hobbies: She already does. My hobby is her.

Together: What difference does it make where you do things together as long as you do them? But if you must know, I prefer out as opposed to home.

Deep Stuff: Depends on what the deep stuff is. Hair and makeup, not so much. The state of Iranian/Israeli foreign relations...OK in moderation. A book she's read or a song that interested her...works for me.

Snuggle: No problem. Besides, it's a great way to cop a feel.

Thanks for asking.

By Blogger Omnipotent Poobah, at 10:00 PM  

Honey, the two of us are sitting in the mantarded boat, and nobody know how to row that damn thing... :)

I love the replies - jotting them down in my book-of-Hart's-life, so I can obey by then later on. Plus - what is "a little meat on the bones"? Curvy can be Anna Nicole pre-diet or Catherine Zeta Jones... make up your mind! ;)

By Blogger Heart Of Darkness, at 6:17 AM  

Men are idiots, plain and simple. And the media has ruined them and their expectations.

Exhibit A -
Trib’s comment about liking perky C cups.

Great post though :)

By Blogger Liz, at 2:20 PM  

I try to read lots of females blogs cause I am certainly a down syndrome mantard!

I don't like too skinny. I like some meat, I just have always loved big jugs.

Cellulite is kinds gross, but doesn't really enter my mind to much.

I prefer an intelligent women, maybe not one that is going to make me look stupid or make 3 times as much as me.

I love when a women takes part in my hobbies.

I don't mind snuggling.

P.S. you can sent me some pics of your boobs if it will make you feel better, I won't tell.

By Blogger Big Ben, at 7:55 PM  

Hmm, I'll say okay to the term "mantard", I've certainly met a few of them. But you need to give equal time the term "femtard", that is, a woman who is not capable of understanding men, responding correctly, or doing anything right (as far as men are concerned). They exist, too.

Men like... well, everything, depending on the man. Most men want whatever's fashionable. Right now it's teenage junkie-whores. Someday we'll be back to hot Rubenesque mamas in long dresses.
Both sexes have a problem with wanting a fantasy rather than a reality. Everyone wants to date the Head Cheerleader or the Captain of the Football Team. Few people are willing to think about why they want to have these people.

Still, you asked about men, so I'll toss in my two cents, because men are easy (warning: this is general information and not to be considered true in every case. Probability of incorrect information in any individual situation, 25% on any single item listed below):

1) Yes, men prefer skinny women, though a little meat is just fine. We rarely notice cellulite, unless it's extreme, that's mostly a female concern. Be honest, you dont like fat guys either. Personally, I think a lot guys shortchange themselves only wanting thin women. I've met a lot of short, round and extremely sexy women (sadly, few of them were white, and American; mostly, I think an attitude problem). My own wife was sexiest at size 16, which I believe was Marilyn Monroe's size also. She's heavier now (so am I), and I still find her sexy. Size is less important once you know someone, as anyone who's made a joke about "getting married then getting fat" knows.

2) Boobs: Ah, so much to say, but I dont have all night.
Yes, Men Like Boobs.
They'll tell you they like certain types, wax poetic (for "guys") about various attributes, but honestly, we're whores. If we can touch them, that'll do. Same with your butts.
Do we like faces? Sure, but since we usually get our first glimpse of someone from a distance, we see the body first. Want proof that men (or women for that matter) like faces? How often have you heard the disappointed phrase "ugly from the front"?

3) Tattoos: Again, Fashion. I personally find it mind-boggling that women, a majority of whom cannot keep the same hair-color for more than a couple of months, would volutarily choose to have what amounts to a permanent accessory placed on their body. My father-in-law got tattoos in the Navy, twenty years later he regretted it. This generation will too.
Are they sexy? You know why guys like tattoos? Because they are placed on naked flesh, and guys love naked flesh. They'll say, "great tattoo there at the small of your back", but what they're thinking is "great back!, and her ass is riiiight down there" [salivation then begins].

4) Brains? I personally like smart women, but then I like to think of myself as smart, so it might be more accurate to say, I like women as smart as I am. Any man who doesnt, is man a more interested in controlling a woman than he is in partnering with her. This is why a lot of older guys go for younger women - they are, for practical purposes, dumber than older ones.

5) Clingy or Independent? This has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with psychology and self-esteem. Same with needing attention, same with needing accompaniment. Differs for everyone, both ways. If you need someone to make you feel complete... well, I dont know. It is nice, but I dont think it's healthy for it to be necessary.

6) Wooing: Guys are pragmatists. We dont have layers. Any wooing you get will be for one (or both) of two reasons.
1) We want to make you happy, and know that wooing is bread, meat cheese and a glass of cold beer to women.
2) We want to get in your pants.
Guys do like deep stuff, it's just that it probably wont be the same deep stuff you like. Of course, think how hard it is, out of the general population, to find anyone who likes to talk about the same deep stuff you do, then halve that.
Admittedly, of all the "points" I've made here, this last one is probably the least applicable.

Ok, that's enough now for me, too.

By Blogger daveawayfromhome, at 8:31 PM  

Skinny or Curvy: Hard to say. I'm attracted to different women, for different reasons.

What is the DEAL with boobs? Boobs Rock! I've no idea why, I just know that I like them.

Cellulite? normal amount is ok. Out of control is bad.

tattoos? Depends on the person, and the quality of the tattoo.

First thing I notice is the smile. Must have a fun/mischevious grin.

How intelligent do you want her to be? Must be smart, but not arrogant.

Do you like her a little clingy, or prefer her independent? Independant

How hard are you willing to work to woo her? Depends on how hard her wooing makes me...?

Are you guilty of wooing her and then backing off after you win the prize? If so, why. Or do you even care? If the wooing is appreciated, it will continue, if its expected, it will not.

Have you ever been guilty of saying really sweet things just to get what you want? No, I wait till after.

How much personal attention do you really want from your woman. Does it make you feel good when she slathers it on you? Or would you rather she back off a bit. Moderation

Do you want her tagging along with you to all your hobbies? If she wants.

Do you really want to do things together, or would you prefer just to be together at home, etc. If there is a mutual interest, then yes.

Does it bug you when she wants to talk about deep stuff? Nope

Is it annoying when she wants to snuggle? To snuggle or not. Its fine.

ok that's enough for now.

By Blogger Greg the Surly, at 7:34 AM  

Took me a long time to decide if I should answer. I was not sure of the entire lingo in your questions. My repository of uncommon words (not found in the dictionary is very limited) for which I may be forgiven. Next, I wondered how would my dream-girl feel if she came to read this. Oh, what the heck!! I am human too and she knows how I feel about her, though she resents it; besides I am sharing an opinion and telling the truth. Now here I go!!
Mantard: that's me - perfect definition because I have got my head in my heart which is unlike most men. I ain't stupid, but can be on the brink of sheer stupidity and callousness when my "heart starts thinking". Life or death, pain or pleasure, notion or emotion, duty or deity etc.etc. is my meaning of love which leads to my fatal attraction. Permit me to start in sequence of my weaknesses for a woman, in descending order (which is actually personification)
1. Eyes - Eyes, eyes and eyes: they are the gateway to my heart since a woman's eyes are said to be the mirror of her soul. Unless she is a very deft actress, or I am plain daft, the expression in her eyes tell me a million things. So a pair of intelligent shining eyes capable of showing emotion, and that keep company to body language (facial expressions included) bowls me over. e.g. Seeing the eyes of my 'dream girl' has told me she was smiling, or she would have liked to snuggle or better still - her sad warm eye told me she missed a kiss!!!
2. Intelligent: When the passions fade, it is much more than sex that keeps a romance going. So intelligence is extremely desirable. An intelligent woman knows how to keep her mouth shut when required (which is most difficult) Her intelligence will hence also bring in coyness or transform her into a tigress when the situation demands.
3. Independent: Only a woman who believes in herself can love and cherish love. Being independent does not mean her not wanting support. Support is a two way game - take and give which leads to independence. Clingy is fine as long as it does not encroach on mutual respect and elbow space.
4. Attention: I can't have enough of it. I love to give more than I receive. Most attention is exchanged in non-verbal communication by expressions of the eyes, touch, action and deed.
Having talked about the psychological aspects let me get down to physical attraction.
1. Skinny or meaty? : Have to think hard - Does it really matter if the eyes are locked? As long as she fills my arms and can cuddle comfortably, it's fine. Her personality is the combination of her mind and body - so it's more important that she is comfortable in my arms!!!
2. Bust and Butt: Next to the eyes and personality of a woman, it is the way a woman carries herself. To me size of the boobs is not particularly important. It is nice to have an eyeful (or handful), but shape is more important. It is the quality and not the quantity. And if there is love and passion, they being sensitive beat everything. Yes, I am madly possessive about MY lover's boobs and would help her keep them (even encourage) the way she likes them.
Bust, waist, butt and legs in combination impart elegance to the feminine structure. The cellulite on the legs hardly matter. Does it ever bother you that a swan has webbed feet?
3. Tattooes: I don't have any tattoos myself and I never have been very appreciative of tattoos. However, once upon a time, my "dream girl" had given me a nick name and she said she would have a picture of the name tattooed on her. I was overwhelmed though I had pleaded her against it 'cos I know it pains.
Now tying up everything together:
Feeling the softness of a woman is good, seeing her stacked in the right places is better, but looking into the depth of her smiling eyes and losing myself in them is the best. To be able to get to that stage, I can pledge everything. May be my “dream girl” can tell how hard I can work to woo her. And no, backing off after wooing her is not my idea. I like my goose to lay a golden egg every day in our togetherness rather than I slaughtering it to get all the golden eggs in a day. I am patient, though I admit I have repressed myself and not said any mean things. On the other hand, I have never been falsely sweet.
Not being egotistical, she does not have to tag to my hobbies. Even hobbies can be nurtured to be good enough for both. Participation is better than domination.
Yeah, I like doing things together - earn, play, holiday, mend, tend, cook or wash. Companionship is 'supplementary', perfect companionship is 'complementary' and I am a perfectionist. A lover is the only person who fills the need of every other individual relation in one.
Do you think I am a jerk??

By Blogger lovthyself, at 7:44 AM  

this is awsome!! sorry for ignoring all of you, busy weekend, so here goes:

sassyglass: you and me both girl!

trib: i laughed about your hand acting on its own. dang. and i guess your too young for cellulite. although young people do have it, hmmm great response, thanks!

omnipotent poobah: oh sweety, i would never call him a mantard to his face. oh no. unless i was really pissed at him. then yes. maybe?
thanks for your response, its good stuff

heartofdarkness: isn't this fun! i'm loving this. we need to do more of it, and we shall

liz: i'm holding out that not all men are idiots, know what i mean?

big ben: good idea, reading remale blogs. thanks for being honest, i think cellulite is gross too! it pisses me off that i have some. not much but some. aww, i was just kidding about the boob picture....

greg the surly: great responses, very honest, and helpful. the smile thing especially

lovthyself: no i don't think your a jerk!! i think if you really are how you describe yourself, you are AWSOME. i'm jealous of your dream girl. i hope she knows what she has!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:27 AM  

Oh, Liz, can't you make it through even one day without hitting on me? You should try a little mystery to keep me intrigued...

By Blogger Trib, at 12:14 PM  

Okay, I thought I hit publish, but I see neither the comment nor a hearty "up yours, dave", so I'll try again (fortunately, I compose on notepad).

Hmm, I'll say okay to the term "mantard", I've certainly met a few of them. But you need to give equal time the term "femtard", that is, a woman who is not capable of understanding men, responding correctly, or doing anything right (as far as men are concerned). They exist, too.

Men like... well, everything, depending on the man. Most men want whatever's fashionable. Right now it's teenage junkie-whores. Someday we'll be back to hot Rubenesque mamas in long dresses.
Both sexes have a problem with wanting a fantasy rather than a reality. Everyone wants to date the Head Cheerleader or the Captain of the Football Team. Few people are willing to think about why they want to have these people.

Still, you asked about men, so I'll toss in my two cents, because men are easy (warning: this is general information and not to be considered true in every case. Probability of incorrect information in any individual situation, 95% on any single item listed below):

1) Yes, men prefer skinny women, though a little meat is just fine. We rarely notice cellulite, unless it's extreme, that's mostly a female concern. Be honest, you dont like fat guys either. Personally, I think a lot guys shortchange themselves only wanting thin women. I've met a lot of short, round and extremely sexy women (sadly, few of them were white, and American, mostly, I think an attitude problem). My own wife was sexiest at size 16, which I believe was Marilyn Monroe's size also. She's heavier now (so am I), and I still find her sexy. Size is less important once you know someone, as anyone who's made a joke about "getting married then getting fat" knows.

2) Boobs: Ah, so much to say, but I dont have all night.
Yes, Men Like Boobs.
They'll tell you they like certain types, wax poetic (for "guys") about various attributes, but honestly, we're whores. If we can touch them, that'll do. Same with your butts.
Do we like faces? Sure, but since we usually get out first glimpse of someone from a distance, we see the body first. Want proof that men (or women for that matter) like faces? How often have you heard the disappointed phrase "ugly from the front"?

3) Tattoos: Again, Fashion. I personally find it mind-boggling that women, a majority of whom cannot keep the same hair-color for more than a couple of months, would volutarily choose to have what amounts to a permanent accessory placed on their body. My father-in-law got tattoos in the Navy, twenty years later he regretted it. This generation will too.
Are they sexy? You know why guys like tattoos? Because they are placed on naked flesh, and guys love naked flesh. They'll say, "great tattoo there at the small of your back", but what they're thinking is "great back!, and her ass is riiiight down there [salivation begins]".

4) Brains? I personally like smart women, but then I like to think of myself as smart, so it might be more accurate to say, I like women as smart as I am. Any man who doesnt, is man more interested in controlling a woman than he is in partnering with her. This is why a lot of older guys go for younger women - they are, for practical purposes, dumber than older ones.

5) Clingy or Independent? This has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with psychology and self-esteem. Same with needing attention, same with needing accompaniment. Differs for everyone, both ways. If you need someone to make you feel complete... well, I dont know. It is nice, but I dont think it's healthy for it to be necessary.

6) Wooing: Guys are pragmatists. We dont have layers. Any wooing you get will be for one (or both) of two reasons. 1) We want to make you happy, and know that wooing is bread, meat cheese and a glass of cold beer to women. 2) We want to get in your pants. Guys do like deep stuff, it's just that it probably wont be the same deep stuff you like. Of course, think how hard it is, out of the general population, to find anyone who likes to talk about the same deep stuff you do, then halve that.
Admittedly, of all the "points" I've made here, this last one is probably the least applicable.

okay, once more, into the breach... "login and publish"

By Blogger daveawayfromhome, at 3:13 PM  

I think I'm a Mantard when it comes to hair. I can never spot a change, and never know what to say when it's a new "do." Darn.

By Blogger Fred, at 5:41 PM  

Oh god the Prince would be running nekkid through this thread if he found it. Yikes.

By Blogger Scottsdale Girl, at 8:31 PM  

trib and liz, do i need to put the two of you into time out???

dave: thanks, awsome responses. love it

fred: that surprises me

scottsdale: who is prince??

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:03 AM  

No, we're playing nice! If the last girl I dated heard Liz talking about her tits like that, though, there'd be hell to pay.

By Blogger Trib, at 12:56 PM  

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