The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Me so Corny

I jess wanna say...I love you all..all my fans....but I'm gonna sell out to you here today, and say, I hate being single on Christmas I f'ing hate it. So there. I said it.

also I want to say, that although I visit your blogs, I'm probably not going to link here, because I'm just not. I don't want to leave too obvious of a trail, since it took some of you all of 2 minutes to find my other place. yup...had that one on the down low I did.

In other news, in order to spare myself from finding anymore assholes to marry, I'm gouging my eyes out, and tearing my ears off, ripping my olfactory organs out, and then I'll be safe. I won't be attracted to that which I can't see, hear or smell. Because I like to look, hear their voice and if they smell good, crap almighty, I'm a goner.

Therefore, in order to save me from my own self, I'm going to "disable" the "devices" which cause me to become attracted to men. Thus bringing about the celibacy that comes along with not desiring anyone. I can save a ton of money on nice underwear, hair, makeup and otherwise. I can just go around looking like crap and there won't be temptations.

So for this holiday season, I'm going to fly under the radar, mope that I'm not getting any gifts, and pretend I hate men.

On that note, I leave you with a list.

Top ten reasons I hate being single at Christmas:

10. It bites
9. It's lonely
8. The bed is cold
7. I'm at my sexual peak
6. The downstairs sink is broken
5. I have to do all the driving on our trip today
4. My lips are lonely
3. My kid hates me for us not having a "family" Christmas and having to travel out of town in order to find kith and kin, and told me last night 'WHY CAN'T YOU GET A BOYFRIEND SO WE CAN STAY HOME, MY WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED"...oh yeah, right kid, I can just snap my fingers, and presto, nice boyfriend appears.
2. There is no romance in my life
and the top reason
1. I do not get a gift. nothing. nadda. and I like gifts.

So my life sucks right now and if you're being a whine bag about your spouse, just shut up and appreciate what you have, because you could be like me, typing up a stupid list about being single, and not getting a gift so I don't want to hear about how he leaves the toilet lid up, or how he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor, or how he farts in bed, blahblahblah.

stand by
over and out

11 comment(s):

Ahhhhh that is sooo sad.....I would lend a hand but I am too much eye candy and not enough handy man to be any help....well in the fixing the sink that is.....I am more like the plummer that finds them dripping and leaves them soaked....oppss did I say that?
Well try to have a good holiday....I will stop by and try and cheer ya up ;-*

By Blogger honkeie2, at 9:14 AM  

Wait a cotton-picking minute. I don't come from a divorced family but I have never heard of a kid who wanted a step-father so bad. That's too fucking funny.

And having your kid tell you you're a loser: priceless.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:12 PM  

That is awesome, one up for D! Kids do say tha darnedest things I tell yuo what. And the minute it goes icky, D will never let you live it down, its all your fault, why did you have to have a boyfriend, blah blah blah... kids are like that.

You could buy me gifts! I like gifts. I can pretend I am a boy...

Did I really just say that? Tee hee.

By Blogger Lavender Dawn, at 7:12 PM  

honker: thanks...really, thanks.

matt: yes, he is a weird kid. i think he is just trying to find something to whine about....he always seems to come in at just the right time, and tell me i've failed miserably

lavdawn: you are so right!!

By Blogger Badoozie, at 8:41 PM  

I agree with matt, too fucking funny.

I hate christmas, but that's because people turn into crazed lunatics and I just can't wait for it to be over! My word for the season: "Fucker!"

(Okay that's twice in one post)

I love being single. I've loved every minute of it for the past seven years. My bed is never cold because I am the warmest person alive! Hehehe...

I was much more lonely when I was married and much prefer receiving no gift from mister no one, than receiving no gift from my mate.

As you know, I have a lover now, but we don't do any of that gift giving crap. We are of the same mind in that area, the giving being done on a very regular basis. ;) And he goes to his family and I go to mine and I like it that way. I like a man who can stay out of my business! (well THAT business anyway)

Dyl didn't really say for you to get a boyfriend, did he? My kids are all grown and do nothing but moan when I have a boyfriend! They want their mother to be as pure as the driven snow. (good luck with that, kids!)

Here's the pretty thing that has brought life into this season which is wrapped around a supposed holy day:

My granddaughter now says to me on the phone, "Hi Gramma! I uff you!"

Life doesn't get any better than that.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:40 AM  

My 6 year old like to tell me I've ruined her day, but so far I haven't ruined her LIFE yet.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:28 AM  


Don't you have a high-powered vibrator? Don't get too down most of the women with husbands are wishing they were single.

I just wish Miss USA would return my phone calls.

Have a safe trip and enjoy your time with your son. They grow up so fast.

You need a sexy elf outfit.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:32 PM  

catty: well, i think he just wanted something to gripe about, which he is quite good at. i always want what i don't or can't have. i guess i'm just never satisfied...well...i could be. if everyone would just do what i say.

leslee: i ruin his life on a routine basis

senor: i will forego the elf outfit, as i can see nothing good coming from that sort of nonsense as you may or may not know i am a no nonsense kind of gal? just no joking here. nope. all seriousness for me....yup

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:41 PM  

I dunno, I think a woman can be serious AND pull off the sexy elf look, no?


By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:49 PM  

I have (strangely) come to the conclusion that men are simply not worth the trouble. I've had many first dates, and even a couple second and third... but (yes, here comes my fave saying)...

Men are like parking spaces. The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I've given up. I have many friends who tell me it's a waste. No it isn't! I am very happy with being single, and I positively affect many lives (including my son's) so I'm content.

Once you get enough crap, you'll throw in the towel too, my dear. ;o)

Merry Christmas, my friend!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:43 AM  

Its not so bad being single on Christmas. It is New Years Eve that kind of sucks being single. Unless you do the whole "I am desperate so Ill just get drunk and hook up with whoever" thing - but that never works out very well.

So you end up going to a few places, maybe visit a few house parties that turn out to be lame - but by midnight you are back home. Just in time to feed the cats and scoop their box.

Happy New Year indeed.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:16 AM  

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