The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

whine fest

Good golly, tis the season to be merry....And have a good whine fest....

My whine is this is the first year since I was 19 that I did not have a honey to exchange gifts with. So I get nothing. Nadda. A big fat NOTHING. I have done Z"ER"O shopping. That is killing me. I love to shop and buy things for people. I hate holidays. I freakin hate them.

moving on.

There is no where to move onto, but I have an excellent idea. I think in the spirit of singleness, wherein I never venture out to anywhere I could meet men, they only gawk and then keep going because I'm "unapproachable", I think I'll get a job at a coffee shack. I'll just leave the part off my resume about being a magnacumlaude BSW. I want to hear NOTHING about being over qualified. I'm totally qualified for that job. I love coffee and I can sport cleavage and back skin just like the next little hussy.


Buckle Jeans, here I come
tramp stamp tattoo artist here i come
push up bra at victorias secret here i come
already got the hair thing going on
just gotta keep it out of the coffee
got the flirt thing
got the coy smile
got the one-liners


phone numbers
hope they have something decent to flash


I'm off my rocker
completely nuts due to holiday depression

tanning doesn't work
buying 9 thousand movies didn't work
drinking starbux til I get diarrhea did not work
alcohol is tabooooooo, I drink and start emailing and calling people
I could go to Tahiti I do have a there's the money thing, no job, savings dwindling faster than the swirling waters of a flushed toilet....BUT, there is that card which increased my credit limit to 21,000....thats right....they did and I have NO JOB...well thats not entirely true, I clean 2 houses, but uncle sam does not know that and lets not tell him.

hanging OUT at starbux scares me
the same people are there every day and YES I have been approached
run, run, run......
hide in house, for fear of having to tell someone NO, I won't go out with you because I'm a picky little idiot that talks herself out of everyone, and you look like you might be a strangler....or abusive or at the very least like you probably have a skid mark in your underwear.

aint it sad to see? a good woman..sitting alone on Christmas..chalk another heartbreak up to singledom on the my own choice of course, lets not forget that.

10 comment(s):

You've been approached at Starbucks!

I always see these nice girls but it's always totally the wrong place to approach them (even if I had the inclination).

Nothing like some caffeine to give you some "liquid courage." Not.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:18 PM  


they would too!!

By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 5:19 PM  

Actually, we like it when your hair falls into your coffee.

By Blogger Mr. Fabulous, at 5:23 PM  

When I see a woman I'm interested in I start howling at her. I'm not one to hold back my feelings.

I also howl at all women wearing tube tops.

Excellent post.

By Blogger Senor Caiman, at 6:23 PM  

matt: was that you? dude...i had a friend that approached women in the grocery store all the time, and he was not very good looking. he got tons of dates that way

emmers: they would or i'd slash their tires!

mr faboo: hairy coffee?

senor: do you also feel your way in the dark by your whiskers?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:28 PM  

I'd buy coffee from you. I'd buy it even if you made shitty coffee. That's just the kind of guy I am.


By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:38 PM  

I worked at a juice bar in a gym....I was total eye candy for those soccer moms and ate it up. I swear if I ever win the lottery I am going back to that job!

By Blogger honkeie2, at 7:27 PM  

Well, I hate to see you so sad. Buy me something!

By Blogger curmudgeon, at 1:08 PM  

Oh, I can't agree at all. I'm single this Christmas, and I've been single on other Christmases, and the idea is to have enough friends and family about that you're actually glad to be alone on Christmas! :D

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:29 AM  

You make me laugh so much!

By Blogger Lavender Dawn, at 6:52 PM  

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