The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Just Shoot Me

Sometimes I wish someone would just shoot me and put me out of my everlovin misery. I'm trying to write a witty blog here, and by gum I can't get in the mood. I'm trying to think of different ways to cheer myself up. Make light of stuff if you will.

Some things one could do on a rainy afternoon when one is "between companions" so to speak:
  • Throw underwear all around the house, hang it from the lampshades if you want

  • eat candy and leave the wrappers

  • go out and buy 9 remote controls, and keep one in every room

  • drink out of the milk carton

  • fart loudly and frequently

  • eat doritos for every meal

  • lose your keys constantly

  • steal money out of your own wallet

  • stand in front of the TV

  • make lip prints on the windows

  • leave moldy food in the fridge for weeks on end

  • flick your boogers at the walls

  • leave half empty water bottles on every surface

  • watch James Bond Movies all weekend

  • get out your kids plastic guns and make poses in the mirror

  • Spray pledge on the hardwood floors and have sliding contests

  • pour milk in your mouth, squirt in chocolate syrup, squish it all together and presto, chocolate milk

  • Re-arrange your sub woofer in the trunk, make adjustments, and other wise turn it up really loud to annoy the neighbors

  • invite friends over, wait...there are no friends...they're all married or dead.

  • go out to eat by yourself

  • go to the movies by yourself

  • put your favorite persons picture on your desktop and pretend its them looking at you.....

  • cry yourself to sleep

  • wake up, realize your still alive and cry some more

  • wake up in the morning and repeat as necessary

  • does this look like a lady who would do all that stuff? well she just might because she is very sad and lonely at this point.

    16 comment(s):

    I just came over here to thank you for taking the time to leave a comment (and some sage advice!) on my blog. I always make the time to visit the blog's of those who have taken the time to leave comments on mine.

    I see you have no shortage of advice, and I am sure it would not be a huge surprise if you were to learn that others (ok, I) have done some of those very things.

    I read your earlier post. I know what you mean. I can tell you that there is no shame in stumbling through life, making mistakes, building walls and then tearing them down. Sometimes the life thing is so damn complicated. I like definitive answers, on or off, black or white, yes or no. Matters of the heart, or the soul in general, never lend themselves to the simple or consistent.

    And it sucks... and it's enticingly wonderful and sometimes it is both at the same time. I too long for that ease and comfort, that story-book relationship that ends "happily ever after." For that one in a billion that is not there to complete me, but to compliment me. And I wonder sometimes... am I asking too much?

    Are my standards unrealistically high? Do I have a right to that kind of bliss - am I so deserving?

    And what if that certain someone comes along, I make that leap of faith... and I'm wrong - again? What then? I don't know if I can do it again, so, like you, I keep everyone at arms length. I wait for someone to find me, to break through the built up defenses and peer inside. Will I allow it?

    It's can't happen unless I let it...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:49 PM  

    Your so photogenic... (sorry i spell as bad as those people on that dating site. Its been like that since I was a kid)! I have all these pictures of me and if I do not look like an australopithicus then ... lets just say its bad.

    Everytime I get like that I read a really good book that I have loved and savoured over the years. I dont know... it makes me feel hopeful again and oft times their tragedy is much worse then my own.

    Good luck

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:38 PM  

    Hey I'm married for over 18 years and still feel all alone, well sometimes.
    I like the Dorito thing, except I'd get heartburn.
    And Nessie is right, you are photogenic.
    Oh yea, thanks for dropping by to read my mindless thoughts. I seem to be a expert at endless babble.

    By Blogger riskybiz, at 9:08 PM  


    You must have a really rotton personality because you're very attractive.

    By Blogger Senor Caiman, at 1:15 PM  

    mr althouse: thanks for all this, you make some great points, and your funny too.

    nessie: i usually watch a funny movie, but didn't ahve one yesterday

    riskybiz: i'll drop by again

    senor': your very have a great personality, i laughed at you didn't I?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:18 PM  

    Trust me on this. There are far worse things you could do than those things.

    If it makes you feel better, do it.

    By Blogger Omnipotent Poobah, at 4:43 PM  

    Few women are fun enough to enjoy subwoofers but the thing you gotta do is get rid of that music on your site and listen to something a bit more upbeat! I'm sure that's not what you listen to in the car.

    I try not to think of my ex but sometimes the dream world doesn't cooperate. And it's been 1/4 of a decade!

    Man, life's a bitch. I actually made out w/ a girl in a bar last night and she's okay but.... There's no replacing my ex. Yup, life sure can be lonely sometimes.....

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:11 PM  

    impotent poobah: i know there are, but i don't wanna creep you guys out too

    matt: i can't hear that song on my mac. i loaded it from my other PC, so i forgot it was still droning away...but now poof..gone.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:51 PM  

    The blog IS whitty, and we all get the urge to get shot once in a while (me more often then the normal person, but then again, nobody accused me of ever being normal...)

    Oh, and I did go through my underwear drawer the other day. Post DP and all... *sigh*

    By Blogger Heart Of Darkness, at 10:40 PM  

    "By gum"? Are you channeling Gabby Hayes?

    I will be happy to shoot you, but I'll need directions to your house. Leave a spare key under the mat, an envelope with ten thousand dollars on the coffee table (unmarked non-sequential fifties and hundreds) and some pie in the refrigerator.

    I like pie.

    By Blogger Mr. Fabulous, at 11:51 PM  

    Now that list looks like fun, well except the whole crying part. But U did miss with yourself in
    I must be werid but I really do enjoy my own company and love going places alone. I think our society puts too much pressure on us, telling us that we are not complete unless we have a companion. We are engulfed with wedding crap, celeberty love and heart break but no one ever talks about how good it is to be alone.

    By Blogger honkeie2, at 4:30 AM  

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Like this post... I feel that way more often than is probably healthy... oh well... bring it on!


    By Blogger Scott, at 5:48 AM  

    You mean married isn't the same as dead?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:56 AM  

    Blogger is mistreating me these days. I dunno how to fix that double message up there and I'm about to say the F Word, Ms QZ Sue!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:06 PM  

    heart: i'm trying to think why you went through your underwear drawer post DP?

    mr fabooo: crickies...i am sounding very gabby...when i get real desperate i'll follow your instructions, k?

    honkeie2: thanks for stopin by, and leaving a mark. i enjoy people who leave marks

    scott: thanks for poppingonover

    catty: i'll fix it. i know you hate marriage..i really understand i do.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:03 PM  

    ok, do what you want, but quit the booger flicking because that is jsut gross and you will never sell the house that way.

    This is what I want you to do:

    wear flannel jammie bottoms and fuzzy slippers to walmart, with no make up and an inside out sweatshirt. put your hair up in a ponytail, then slide it through again so it halfway hangs out. shuffle your feet and load your cart with junk you don't need, then put half of it back on the wrong shelves.

    now you are truly pathetic, and if you can't do this, then your life isn't near as bad as you think it is.

    smile, sweetie, life is good!

    By Blogger Lavender Dawn, at 8:40 AM  

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