The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Romance Killers

Certain things should just not be done. There need be nothing more said about it. Besides this..........

Skidmarks in your underwear. Use babywipes. If they are stained, throw them away. For gods sake, you spend more on beer, coffee etc in one day than a package of underwear costs.

Teeth; brush the damn things, more than once a week. No one wants to kiss someone whose teeth have moss growing on them. If you can't remember to brush, keep a toothbrush in the shower because by gum, you must shower now and then, right?

Toenails; clip the confounded things. No one wants to see ugly ass toenails that are gnarly and yellow. Or get a chunk taken out of your leg in the night by the saber toothed toe.

Fingernails: see above. And also remember...everything you dig around on? your crack, your nose, your head, your ears...all that stuff collects under the nail. and then, when your in bed, and your mate wants to suck on your fingers for something fun....hey, would YOU want that in YOUR mouth? I think not

Pee: wipe up your dribbles. Otherwise, we might assume you were raised by wild boars. Or we might just think your a lazy asshole. Either way, its not good.

Tampons and pads: roll and wrap, get the damn things out of sight. They stink, they're gross, and they are just downright inappropriate for human interactions after they are removed from you. "be polite, wrap them tight"

Hair: clean your DAMN hair out of the sink. That goes for beard hair, head hair, and pubs. Clean it out of the shower drain, and off the floor. Unless of course, you want someone to collect it in a box, and put it in your next sandwich?

Baldness: do not wear a repulsive toupee. Just paint your stupid head with a spray can if it comes to that. Or take the money you waste on beer, cigarettes, coffee, gaming, sports, etc, and get plugs. Or you could just shave your entire head, and change your name to cueball, chromedome, or sinnead'

Whiskers: if you're a woman, do not I repeat do NOT allow whiskers to reside anywhere on your person at any time. This includes the nipples. Take that extra 5 minutes to do a roving whisker check in the shower. The world will thank you. As for men? If you allow your body to be adorned with whiskers, make sure to use conditioner on them, and check to make sure yesterdays lunch is not tucked deep within. No one wants to kiss a guy with a stinky beard, or mustache. yuck. Be keen, keep it clean

Don't refer to the other as "the old man" or "the old lady" unless of course you enjoy being tied up with duct tape, and placed on the curb for Thursday morning pickup?

When at a social gathering: if you happen to make a bad choice, and ignore your partner? Prepare yourself for WMD. That's "weapons of mass destruction" to you dimbulbs out there, who don't realize that human beings in a committed relationship like ATTENTION from the other person every NOW AND FREAKEN THEN.

Listening: use your listening ears...and your inside voices during all times of conflict, or "discussions" if you are one of those who can only retain 5% of what has been said, bring a dang notepad or record the conversation. Unless of course, you like being taken down to the tracks, laid across them and left for dead.

This message has been brought to you by the citizens for a more satisfying partnership within the confines of a committed relationship. That's CMSPWCCR to you retards who can only think on days that end in I.

17 comment(s):

Ok, I floss everyday.
I have babywipes in my truck, but there are for my hands.
I have nice hands and feet.
I have all my original hair, pretty close to the original colour.
I clean the sink after shaving, but I shave more often at the gym.
I've been married for an eternity and I don't ignore her, it's the other way.
How's that?
Oh yea, why worry about my skid marks, I do my own laundry!

By Blogger riskybiz, at 6:23 PM  

QZ,

I don't understand, what's your point here?

Do you blow your nose the same way every time? That really bugs me.

By Blogger Senor Caiman, at 5:59 PM  

riskybiz: you sound like a freakin romantic gem...too bad your married

senor: what is my point? well, i don't know...i hardly ever have any point to my ramblings. make of it what you can...blowing my nose, i use the swedish nose blow method.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:01 PM  

-Skid marks can be solved in one simple solution: Wear black underwear. But for women this brings up the issue of visible crusties.
-Brush your teeth and use mouth wash nuff said
-Nails in general should be cut and maintained. Long finger nails or overly chewed nails is nasty.
-I used to think men were the worst when it came to peeing on the seat until the day I snuck in the ladies room. Women are nasty in public bathroom.
-Hair should be clean nuff said
-Female hygene products should be disposed of properly and not seen sitting on the floor in the bathroom.....nasty!
But u missed a big one in my book
-Take care of your bush-
Unless your mate is into hairy snatch or the ZZTop fireman keep the wilderness at bay. Trim yo sheet back!

By Blogger honkeie2, at 4:29 AM  

i agree with honkeie2- keep the grass short and tame- for men too! i don't want to wade around in that either!

i hate nipple whiskers! those suck! I keep them at bay!

By Blogger Lavender Dawn, at 7:13 AM  

honkiekonkie: i like your way of thinking...stick around we'll take this to the top....do you realize how many google hits i get off this blog title? LOTS. if i would just spend more time over here making this thing go, it would be famous....i''m workin on it..i like your advice about the "nether regions" or the "delicate places"...very well said.

LDM, lavender, purple people eater....hey YOU. some women are just too hairy. i'm pretty hairy and i shave...i will eventually get waxed, when money affords me that luxury. my arms esp. i hate, i freaking HATE overly hairy arms on ladies., now dont' got gettin paranoid, or hatin on me...whoever reads this...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:14 AM  

I loved this! When I was 16, moved into the home of a proffessor where 2 other males in their 20s were staying. I wish they had this info- especially the pee part. Crazy what they would do.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:27 AM  

I don't get it. What days end in 'I'?

By Blogger curmudgeon, at 3:08 PM  

nessie: nasty old men....dang it

curmudgeon..well if every day ends in "I" that means you're selfish....lol....get it??

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:30 AM  

Mz, I don't like to clean my bathroom b/c the cockroaches get so bent out of shape and they're my little buddies.

But I have just recently plucked the dozen or so chest hairs that sprouted. Not yet. It is not yet my time for ear hair.

Btw, the Idiot's Guide franchise now has some 3,500 titles and continues to grow.... Since you're in the social worker biz maybe you should lock down the rights, if this isn't already a copyright infringement? Food for thought.

I am definately cleaning my place today b/c I actually had to turn down sex last weekend just because my place was a mess. She wanted to go someplace to "get naked" and was grabbing me at the bar.

I feel like an Idiot.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:18 AM  

Yeah, I had an ex-girlfriend who would all of the sudden ignore me at a party and I'd see her from across the room and we'd make eye contact and I'd be like, what the fuck?

then she'd sit as far away from me as possible. I wish I had been going after other women at that point. i'd love to go back in time and show her up.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:33 AM  

Some of these seem familiar. Have you given me this lecture before?

By Blogger JBlue, at 1:56 PM  

matt: how would you suggest i go about getting the corner market on this name? i'm all ears. as for your roaches, do you set up those nice little motels for them too? oh goody.

although i don't know if you FEEL like an idiot i would have to feel you for myself!!
how bad is your house? that you can't bring a girl home? hmmmmm priorities man!

jublue: i think you are dreaming, or smoking dope or both?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:21 PM  

Well, i was SURE you were writing a book b/c you're the only blogger I know who's copyrighted her material. I thought this was a research tool you could use w/o having to interview anyone in person. Just slap that book together. I dunno, I suppose the franchise has a phone number you might find on Google.

Those books are written to be practical and funny anyway. Idiot's Guide To Fucking Up A Marriage?

I dunno.

(btw, you just gave me a good line for next time. "You feel like an idiot.)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:31 PM  

mattttttttttttt
so...are you saying my good sage advice here could mess people up? but, but, i just love to help...i'm SUCH a helper...., so, i just did the copyright thing in case i ever did want to write a book, i didn't think about the title of this blog, but someone told me today that somehow through blogger, or "creative commons" your stuff is automatically copyrighted?

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