The Idiot's Guide To Marriage

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Talk This Way

I wanna I'm going to...I'm the boss here. So, a friend and I were discussing writing styles today. And how if you are of a certain bent, you can pretty much write in any form.

For example: The romance novelist:
His firm hands skimmed down the length of her spine, softly caressing her delicate skin and sending a tingle through her entire being...he pressed against her with an urgency matched only by her own and their heated passion ignited a flame that could only be extinguished by the union of their burning loins.

Or, the biblical sense:
mocketh thou not...lest thee be mocked.
thy butt a beacon in the night....doest thou desire to have an allover body tan? Let theyself submit to the heat that only cometh from above....the tanning bed.

How about medical chart notes:
The patient presents today with a chief complaint of pain above the right eye.
HEENT reveals a slight hemetosis above the right occipital lobe, presence of discharge in the nasal passages..upon further exam it is noted the septum is deviated.

Or the psych textbook?
The patient has a history of violent behaviors, characterized by hypomanic episodes brought on by excessive exposure to stress and overstimulation by outside environmental influences. The GAF shows a score of 60, which would indicate the patient has experienced significant reduction in everyday functioning, thus creating an increase in generalized anxiety disorder possibly brought on by over identification with outside stressors including psychosomatic symptoms consistent with schizotypal disorder.

What about the humor writer? We must not forget the humor writer
I was alerted to a commotion not unlike that of a herd of elephants trafficking through the dense forestation of the african jungle. Upon further inspection, I discovered my inlaws had arrived for the holidays, and were creating a situation similar to the county fair polka band, only without all those accordians. When asked if they intended to enter my house, they responded by saying only this: We have come to destroy your peace, bring you nothing but grief and headache, and leave you in a trancelike state that can only be reversed by excessive amounts of wacky tobacky.

hmmm, what else is there..oh, legal terminology:
your honor, my client wishes the court to recognize their progress on the case plan presented by the department of health and welfare. Would it please the court to present fact finding relevant to the progress of my client regarding said case plan? If I might address the court, my client would like for the judge to know they are making significant strides toward procuring housing, and refraining from use of all illegal substances. Although my client has admitted to using meth on only one occasion, he would like the court to know that he has attended all recovery meetings with the exception of one in which he was forced to cancel due to extreme intoxication that was deemed necessary for medicinal puposes.

is this boring you?
too bad.

I like it.
and yes, i pulled it out of my ass right here, without referencing anything. i'm good that way.

moving on.

I love driving on curvy roads. I love driving balls-out on curvy roads. Luckily my son does not get carsick during said episodes. I caught up with a family in a white jeep cherokee on a mountain pass on the way to my mothers. I pressured him from the rear, indicating my desire to pass him. He rose to the occasion in typical male fashion, and decided this was not to be. He began to drive quite fast, and I followed suit. I allowed him to pull away from me on the straight-aways....only because he was exceeding 75 miles per hour in a 55 zone.

I didn't want no po po on my ass. rock with it, lean in it, bounce with it, work it on the shoulder...drop with it do it do it...whas up ole boy? i gettin twist n pimpin..damn it man...nah mean? So I would catch him on the corners of course, my car being lighter and more deft, coupled by my intensity which occurs when said challenges arise, and my need for speed must be satiated.

I stayed about 2 feet off his bumper, taking full advantage of the wonderful job the highway crews did on banking the corners. So we went on like this for about 40 miles, playing cat and mouse. There were a few other drivers who chose to pull off and get out of our way. It was fun, and I finally passed him in town, giving him a coy glance, and thinking his wife and kids must hate him. But I won. So there.

This has absolutely nothing to do with marriage other than to point out, that husbands with families in jeep cherokees should not challenge single ladies in little sports cars with a penchant for competitions with the ever present male ego.

stand by

13 comment(s):


Love the car story. I personally would have tapped the jeep and sent it into a spin.

I just got a new sports car myself. I look at it as an investment since I'm sure it will double as a coffin.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:32 AM  

The only reason one would admit to having done meth once in court would be some sort of previous conviction... because otherwise....

And about the car story. I have to remember that sometimes when people tailgate me they're not the worst assholes ever but maybe just want to play.

I'll have to post about my recent road rage incident on Christmas with the driver of an... ambulance.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:18 AM true ricky booby fashion? i should have done that..i'm a moron. excellent idea with that sports car. and it would take care of environmental issues as well

matt: no...the asshole on your ass may just be teasing you

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:21 AM have a lot of room in your ass...

By Blogger Mr. Fabulous, at 10:45 AM  

mr fabooooo
once you get past the hemmie..its pretty much uncharted territory

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:55 AM  

You drive with your balls out?

By Blogger curmudgeon, at 11:24 AM  

"You drive with your balls out?"

rotflmao!!! that's too much. oh, funny. super duper funny!

its better than therapy, isn't it?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:06 PM  

I would drive you crazy. I have a non sports car that has a somewhat higher roll over risk. So no tight corners for me. I live in the flat lands so a curvy mountain road would scare the crap out of me.

And I tend to drive slow. Mainly to piss other people off (everyone in Miami is a jerk so I might as well fit in) - but also to save gas. And then there is the whole "can't stop as short as a car" thing. Also I need a new rear bumper so I keep hoping that someone in a new Mercedes or Lexus will help me out there.

So yea, if I ever drove you anyplace you would probably shiv me in the kidneys with a prison made shank and take over.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:32 AM  


Just a quick question. What is a Social Worker. Are you a party planner?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:23 AM  

carrmudgeoneo: this season, it was a little happy face with a santa hat on. sometimes is a baskin robin ice cream cone.

dawn: it is indeed, except the blood pressure part

lazy: you are correct. it would take me precisely 2 minutes to point a knive at your throat and command you to pull over and let me drive. i have NO patience.

senor caveman: well, thats pretty close? i work social scenes. i take in details, my eyes serve as mini camera's, my ears serve as mini tape recorders, and i mentally record every little detail to later use against people. see, they think i'm innocent, and also? they think i'm not paying attention. i'm good at coming off like an airhead, but the whole time? i'm just there, taking it all in, and plotting.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:54 AM  

I don't know if you could catch me on my Harley, but I'd sure enjoy the chase!


By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:06 PM  


FYI, I had pain above my right eye and the Doctor said it was from the cysts on my brain. I never would have guessed that.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:58 PM  

mike: nor would i want to catch you on that thing,.....whoa!!

senor: really, did the cysts burst? if there are cysts on the brain, it will hamper the ability to guess a medical happens

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:39 PM  

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