Part Two: Reality Bites but Fantasies Lick
do men like this exist? Awesome song.My fantasies are actually just dreams I can't control.
I can imagine if some thug was holding a gun to my head in order to force a guy to do something because he didn't want me to get my head blown off. I think I would be rolling my eyes and saying my last prayers. Some people were dropped on their heads at birth, I was dropped on my heart. It's defective in a different sort of way. It seems to repel men no matter how I try.
I recently had words with my biological father and it did not go well. You see, he has a different reality and set of memories than I do. Plus he's never been wrong one time in his life, so his set of memories is the right one by default. I'm just not in the mood to rearrange my entire past right now, it's too much effort. To add insult to injury, I told him I don't want to hear it.. actually I told him he's not allowed to cram them down my throat. Because he is not and that is just how it is.
Unfortunately since I did not allow him to force his truth off on me, aka have the last word, he is no longer interested in speaking to me. He recommended we stay out of each others lives.. How this is any different from the way it's always been I do not know. If there is one valuable thing my father taught me it is that people are not obligated to care about each other. Nor are they obligated to make up for what someone else did to you.
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has to be forced to 'care' about you, get the heck out. Speaking of which, what gives guys the right to heap compliments on you, wow you with their savvy abilities when it comes to nurturing a relationship, get you where they want you and then treat you like shit? For some odd reason, you take offense to that and suggest the relationship is not working then you listen to their 12 hour monologue on what all YOU did to fuck it up. Nice.
I look good in theory but when it turns out I'm exactly what I said I was, and have not misrepresented myself it's hard to swallow eh? why God blessed me with scruples, and decency is beyond me. I'd be sitting in some vacation resort right now decked out in finery holding a mixed drink had I been born a manipulative, passive aggressive, high maintenance little bitch. But no.... I just had to go and be real and honest. Call me an idiot, I deserve it. Like I said, I was born with a defective heart and don't seem to understand what it takes to get ahead in this world. (that's what he said)
Instead of going to the resort, I've gone on a pity trip which makes me disgusted with my own self. I'm NOT a victim so I promise not to wallow for long. There's just one tiny little problem, I have all this energy just waiting to burst out from my defective heart. It's been building up for awhile because I figured out a few years back it was futile to expend it on the person/s currently in my life. I missed my calling, I should have a career in concrete.
Oh wait.. was that the other way around? I'm not sure, but I wasted my time building the walls, because nothing and no one was attempting to penetrate them. Besides that I want to lose some more weight so I may as well take a jackhammer to the walls and get this over with. If some poor sap becomes the recipient of my pent up heart energy I feel sorry for him in advance. I'll let it bombard him until he asks me to stop, moves far away or takes out a restraining order. You can't lose what you never had in the first place.
posted by Doozie at
1:35 PM
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